[BrunetteBabe1005]

Ok, I have always had self esteem issues since I was 5 years old. My paternal grandfather would always insult since I was 5, saying things like, "Your fat." "Your ugly." "Your worthless." and so many other things. He is a very cruel man, and he would always embarrass me in front of people, cause he hated my guts for no reason.

My moms family is just as bad. We all grew up like brothers and sisters, cause my Aunt was an alcoholic. My other Aunt died of a Heroin Overdose, so that resorted for my mom and my grandmother to help raise the kids. As I got older all I heard from my cousins, and Aunt is "Your Stupid." "Your worthless." "You are a hateful person" And so many more insults, but I am not going to get into that. Also I find it funny that I am a hateful person when I try my hardest to be kind, and I treat everyone with respect, and I put my life on hold, just for them when they needed help, but yet, I am a hateful person?

Ok, onto the Self Esteem Issues. I literally think of myself as a pathetic human being. I hate myself so much that I feel like I should die. I can't fathom how much I think I am ugly,fat, and grotesque. I literally can't take compliments either. Everytime someone says I am pretty or I am smart, I literally think they are full of ****. I am seeing a therapist, and he said, "Everytime I compliment you, you think I am full of it." I said, "I am like that with everyone!" Which I am.

My therapist, says that there is a emotional wall that is built up, but he says it's a mystery. He said he can't figure me out. I said, "Well I have Self Esteem Issues." He said "It's deeper then that, there is something mysterious, that I can't quite figure out." What is that suppose to mean? I don't know where he is getting at with this?

Anyways I disregard every compliment that someone gives me, and I think there is always a motive. I think well they are drunk, or it's complete ********. I literally don't think of a compliment, as someone paying me a compliment.

What should I do? Is it deeper then self esteem issues? Should I get a new therapist? Also what does my therapist mean by "mysterious"? Please tell your thoughts on this. I greatly appreciate it! Thank you for reading!

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you had to endure such a painful and rather difficult childhood.

I can relate to much of what you said, as I've hated myself for as long as I can remember as well. My family life, immediate and extended, was chaotic and painful too. A couple of my family members loved me in acceptable ways ~ others didn't, and those negatives stand out strongly to me. The emotional, physical, and sexual abuse coming from several different people within my family ~ an abusive theme played throughout.

I *think* that since the abuse began so young and occurred throughout my early childhood, I quickly carried that torch and hated myself as well. (Meaning: I blamed myself for all of the abuse; thinking that I was evil, ugly, stupid, worthless, and so forth.) My poor self-esteem and continually rocky childhood didn't help at school either, which made my life more painful & miserable.

It makes perfect sense to me that you hold horrible feelings towards yourself. Not trying to say that I agree ~ simply, I understand how you feel. I'm sorry that you feel this way towards yourself. Logic doesn't change emotions. The two are on opposite ends of the spectrum!

I've been in therapy for many, many years and only my current T is willing to accept how I feel towards myself. Other T's couldn't understand my self-hate. They always tried to get me to see that I didn't deserve this self-imposed misery. They could not accept my emotions ~ like it went against humanity or something. But, I really needed a T to simply accept it! He doesn't agree with my descriptions of myself at all (occasionally, he'll point out "good things" about me), but it's okay. And that's really what I need badly. My current T has really been very helpful to me.

I would recommend you seeing a different T, one who has experience and/or understanding of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). My T isn't rooted in DBT, he uses a variety of different philosophies and techniques to help in different circumstances. Personally, I like that he isn't stuck to one mode of treatment. Anyway, I also attend DBT group meetings weekly, to help myself feel and act better.

I hope that my response helps you. Very best wishes & gentle hugs to you ~ take care!

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am sorry that you had to endure such a painful and rather difficult childhood.

I can relate to much of what you said, as I've hated myself for as long as I can remember as well. My family life, immediate and extended, was chaotic and painful too. A couple of my family members loved me in acceptable ways ~ others didn't, and those negatives stand out strongly to me. The emotional, physical, and sexual abuse coming from several different people within my family ~ an abusive theme played throughout.

I *think* that since the abuse began so young and occurred throughout my early childhood, I quickly carried that torch and hated myself as well. (Meaning: I blamed myself for all of the abuse; thinking that I was evil, ugly, stupid, worthless, and so forth.) My poor self-esteem and continually rocky childhood didn't help at school either, which made my life more painful & miserable.

It makes perfect sense to me that you hold horrible feelings towards yourself. Not trying to say that I agree ~ simply, I understand how you feel. I'm sorry that you feel this way towards yourself. Logic doesn't change emotions. The two are on opposite ends of the spectrum!

I've been in therapy for many, many years and only my current T is willing to accept how I feel towards myself. Other T's couldn't understand my self-hate. They always tried to get me to see that I didn't deserve this self-imposed misery. They could not accept my emotions ~ like it went against humanity or something. But, I really needed a T to simply accept it! He doesn't agree with my descriptions of myself at all (occasionally, he'll point out "good things" about me), but it's okay. And that's really what I need badly. My current T has really been very helpful to me.

I would recommend you seeing a different T, one who has experience and/or understanding of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). My T isn't rooted in DBT, he uses a variety of different philosophies and techniques to help in different circumstances. Personally, I like that he isn't stuck to one mode of treatment. Anyway, I also attend DBT group meetings weekly, to help myself feel and act better.

I hope that my response helps you. Very best wishes & gentle hugs to you ~ take care!

Hi Shez! I am so sorry for what you went through as well! I really do hope you are progressing in your therapy, but since you did mention that you current T is helping, then I assume so . I do appreciate your insight, and your related story. It did help me out a bit! I guess I should get another therapist, because I am now thinking it's not a "emotional wall" that I am putting up, it's more the fact that I just don't believe people when they compliment me. I admire your strength! It seems like you went through a lot. Thanks again! Hope all is well!

[liveforfish]

Try saying thank you. It will be a big step. You'll probably think the same thoughts, but try not to say them out loud.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by liveforfish

Try saying thank you. It will be a big step. You'll probably think the same thoughts, but try not to say them out loud.

Exactly.

There are two issues that are not really related.

1) There is a deep issue with you. It was called mysterious for a reason, so, it is deep. No doubt about it. Since it is deep, it will need TIME to get resolved.

2) There is a fairly shallow issue with your behavior. Accepting and acknowledging compliments with grace and gratitude are part of being a civilized adult. So this is a must - it is not optional. In your mind, you are free to think any kind of thought. When you are being complimented, you are free to suspect ulterior motives, drunkenness, etc. You should not try to control your thoughts at this moment. But OUTWARDLY, you should be polite. So, as liveforfish suggested, starting by saying "thank you". Then, in baby steps, add a smile. Etc. You will get there. And this can be done pretty soon, without waiting for having all the mysteries solved.

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Exactly.

There are two issues that are not really related.

1) There is a deep issue with you. It was called mysterious for a reason, so, it is deep. No doubt about it. Since it is deep, it will need TIME to get resolved.

2) There is a fairly shallow issue with your behavior. Accepting and acknowledging compliments with grace and gratitude are part of being a civilized adult. So this is a must - it is not optional. In your mind, you are free to think any kind of thought. When you are being complimented, you are free to suspect ulterior motives, drunkenness, etc. You should not try to control your thoughts at this moment. But OUTWARDLY, you should be polite. So, as liveforfish suggested, starting by saying "thank you". Then, in baby steps, add a smile. Etc. You will get there. And this can be done pretty soon, without waiting for having all the mysteries solved.

Hi! I know there are things I have to work on, but when people do compliment me, I do thank them, and smile. It's phony of course, because I don't believe them. What should I do since I do those things? I am polite to people, but again, I really don't believe them. Thank you for answering I do appreciate it!

[Perna]

I don't think most self-esteem issues have any suspicion behind them. One does not deserve a compliment with self-esteem problems versus you thinking the person complimenting has a hidden agenda going on. It does sound a little tangled to me.

Think about the twists and turns you go through; if it were me, a drunk would not be a good judge of character so telling me something good/bad, I would not put too much store in it, would not even consider it much less accept/deny it; it would not apply. Or, I'd be slightly amused at a drunk, smile and thank them for a compliment, ignore a curse and tell them to go to sleep or something.

But it appears you actively seek a reason not to accept what someone else says as true. You look for a flaw in the other person so you do not have to believe them. It is like you are afraid to believe them. If I were you, I'd think about what would happen, what it/you would be like if a compliment were true. Think of the latest actual compliment you have been given and don't discount it, just pretend the person says it and that makes it true (which, for that person, it is) for you.

I think you ask an interesting, important question :-) But who am I, I'm just someone online that doesn't "know" you, the question is really only important to you, not everyone, etc.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe1005

Hi! I know there are things I have to work on, but when people do compliment me, I do thank them, and smile. It's phony of course, because I don't believe them.

It is good that you thank them and smile. Keep doing it.

Think of it rationally - why would so many people all of a sudden acquire various ulterior motives to compliment you while in truth you do not deserve compliments?

Weird, no, of all of them to co-conspire against you in delivering untruthful compliments to you?

[shezbut]

hamster-bamster,

I don't think that BrunetteBabe looks at the situation as though everyone is getting together and making up positive compliments for her. Of, course, BrunetteBabe, please do correct me if I'm wrong!

It sounds to me as though someone will say something like, "Oh, *Jane, your hair looks so pretty like that!" or "You're such a kind person, Jane. I really like you!" or "You have a great body." and so forth.

And the low self-esteem immediately cuts the compliments down. "They're just trying to be nice, to make me feel good. They really don't mean it." Or, "Their body isn't perfect either. Mine is just a little better than theirs." Or, "He just wants to get lucky ~ He'll say anything to get lucky!" That's exactly how my mind cuts compliments down every time. Just being honest.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shezbut

hamster-bamster,

I don't think that BrunetteBabe looks at the situation as though everyone is getting together and making up positive compliments for her. Of, course, BrunetteBabe, please do correct me if I'm wrong!

It sounds to me as though someone will say something like, "Oh, *Jane, your hair looks so pretty like that!" or "You're such a kind person, Jane. I really like you!" or "You have a great body." and so forth.

And the low self-esteem immediately cuts the compliments down. "They're just trying to be nice, to make me feel good. They really don't mean it."

I see - so, it is not viewed as a malicious conspiracy, but as a benevolent conspiracy - to make her/you feel good.

People do that sometimes, once in a while, but in general are too preoccupied with own stuff to always be vigilant about making you feel good. Applying the 80/20 rule, you can assume that about 80% of compliments are genuine and the remaining 20% are to make you feel good.

Then, in order to simplify how you process the compliments, you can react to all of them as if they were all genuine - this way, you would mis-categorize only 20%, which is an OK margin of error for something that is so... not life-threatening.

Would that policy work?

Back on topic... I don't think you should be so quick to find a new therapist. Give him some time to work out the mystery. It's just my opinion but I think I'd be more inclined to trust a therapist who admitted that they don't know enough yet than one who thinks they have it all figured out.

[eggsinfinitum]

I have self-esteem issues too- I've had many other issues, but the self-esteem problem is the one with the most layers protecting it, the hardest one to even start working on.

I think of it as the youngest, most vulnerable part of me really believes that all those horrible things people led me to believe about myself are actually true, and that everything is all my fault.

It's relatively easy to say, yeah, you're a good person, it's not your fault, but it's quite the chore to start fixing it, to make the truth actually hit home. Reminds me of that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams' character is telling Will that it's not his fault, and he keeps repeating it, over and over, over and over again until Will "gets" it.

My first baby step toward healing was realizing, really getting it, that what happened to me was not my fault.

Anyway, I sure hope this helps some. Take care and hugs!

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by shezbut

hamster-bamster,

I don't think that BrunetteBabe looks at the situation as though everyone is getting together and making up positive compliments for her. Of, course, BrunetteBabe, please do correct me if I'm wrong!

It sounds to me as though someone will say something like, "Oh, *Jane, your hair looks so pretty like that!" or "You're such a kind person, Jane. I really like you!" or "You have a great body." and so forth.

And the low self-esteem immediately cuts the compliments down. "They're just trying to be nice, to make me feel good. They really don't mean it." Or, "Their body isn't perfect either. Mine is just a little better than theirs." Or, "He just wants to get lucky ~ He'll say anything to get lucky!" That's exactly how my mind cuts compliments down every time. Just being honest.

Yes you're right Shezbut! You hit the nail right on the head. That is the way my mind thinks.

[A Red Panda]

I have a really hard time with compliments... I never really believe what the other person is saying. I just smile and say thank you and change the topic as quickly as I can.

My brain tends to have this attitude where other people can think what they like, as that's their opinion, but it doesn't mean that I think that way, or that they're right. It works quite well in SOME areas (like if someone insults me and I don't happen to already agree with the insult), but most of the time it just ignores compliments.

Not sure if that made any sense!

[Onward2wards]

(((( BrunetteBabe1005 ))))

I have a lot of the same problems with accepting compliments. I am able to understand other people are being genuine, but I can't seem to make these concepts "stick to me" very well. It's like they and I are living in a slightly different reality, if that makes any sense? Put-downs, however, I tend to believe more readily.

At least I am aware of this now, and able to challenge my own negative thinking far better than I used to.