[wheresxenon]

This is not exactly for me... It's for my sister.

This happened two or so years ago. My always had self-esteem issues, and when she was rejected for her job interview that was a huge blow to her. She stopped going to school, became depressed and is basically staying at home all day doing nothing. She doesn't eat correctly, she hardly eats fruits and vegetables and I don't even know why I'm buying food for her home...

Our family is going through so much pain right now, and she only cares about herself. I am pissed at her. I hate her. I hate how she's so selfish and refuses to do anything with her life. I tell her to get a job many times, and that they don't care if you're a university drop out. Why are there so many jobs with people out of school?! F**** idiot.

I don't want anythng to do with her anymore. Yet.. I care about her. I sometimes force her to eat vegetables to keep healthy by saying I won't buy a&w or something for her. Even if I do she's still so f*** stubborn. Why is she being so difficult....I don't even know what to do.I just want my sister back.

[Poppy Princess]

Why do you care? You hate her. Find something you love to concern yourself with.

[wheresxenon]

Originally Posted by ArmyGirl

Why do you care? You hate her. Find something you love to concern yourself with.

I hate what she became...
And I care because she's my sister....

[hamster-bamster]

Your sister seems depressed and disengaged from life. She is not selfish, though.

It would be best for her to recognize her depression and start taking steps to overcome it. Maybe you should send her some kind of a depression quiz or questionnaire, for starters?

[A Red Panda]

I can understand why you are frustrated with her, because you don't know what is going on inside her thoughts... and I understand that you seem to want to be supportive.

But what you've said in this post? It does not sound very supportive to me. Perhaps your sister feels that as well, which would make her feel worse and more resistant towards listening to your advice.

Particularly when you've told her to get a job - have you just said to get a job, or have you ever (in a nice fashion mind you, not in the sort of tone that you've used in your post) actually helped her look for work or find alternate employment that she hasn't consider as being enjoyable before? Or even found employment agencies to help her look for work? When you just said "***** idiot" that is so incredibly rude and insensitive. If I was your sister and you spoke to me like that....I sure wouldn't listen to a word you had to say. In fact.. my brother DOES speak to me like that and I cut him out of my life a few years ago. And my life? Is actually pretty darn great and I am quite successful in the goals I've set out to achieve!

I think that before you give up on your sister, and before you try to help her recognize the depression that she's going through... you seriously need to evaluate what sort of attitude and persona you demonstrate when you're with her. You could start to looking closely at what you've posted here - can you rewrite the entire MEANING of your post but using kinder, more supportive words?

[wheresxenon]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

I can understand why you are frustrated with her, because you don't know what is going on inside her thoughts... and I understand that you seem to want to be supportive.

But what you've said in this post? It does not sound very supportive to me. Perhaps your sister feels that as well, which would make her feel worse and more resistant towards listening to your advice.

Particularly when you've told her to get a job - have you just said to get a job, or have you ever (in a nice fashion mind you, not in the sort of tone that you've used in your post) actually helped her look for work or find alternate employment that she hasn't consider as being enjoyable before? Or even found employment agencies to help her look for work? When you just said "***** idiot" that is so incredibly rude and insensitive. If I was your sister and you spoke to me like that....I sure wouldn't listen to a word you had to say. In fact.. my brother DOES speak to me like that and I cut him out of my life a few years ago. And my life? Is actually pretty darn great and I am quite successful in the goals I've set out to achieve!

I think that before you give up on your sister, and before you try to help her recognize the depression that she's going through... you seriously need to evaluate what sort of attitude and persona you demonstrate when you're with her. You could start to looking closely at what you've posted here - can you rewrite the entire MEANING of your post but using kinder, more supportive words?

I'm sorry, but if this keeps up I don't think me swearing is that big of a deal. We swear at each other all the time, doesn't help either that she's only a couple years older than me. She knows that I do not really warm up to people and my way of speaking always seems harsh. I just don't know how to show a weaker side of me I guess....

Anyways, when things are this bad... I really don't think swearing at her is bad. She ignores that our house is 9k in debt and we are on the verge of losing it. My mother stopped working because she had an arm injury, my dad does not even care about us. My grandma has medical bills to pay for, and my job is always cutting my paycheck. Every time I go to school, I don't even know how to express what I feel. I do not know how to write a more supportive message to my sister. I just wish for her to open her eyes. She is not the only one suffering.

[wheresxenon]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Your sister seems depressed and disengaged from life. She is not selfish, though.

It would be best for her to recognize her depression and start taking steps to overcome it. Maybe you should send her some kind of a depression quiz or questionnaire, for starters?

I know that she is depressed, but she can continue her life normally and she also got herself a online boyfriend. Yet, if she can do that why can't she help her family out? But she only uses her "depression" as an excuse.

[A Red Panda]

Honestly wheresxenon, you've got a lot more to worry about than what your sister is doing with her own life. It isn't "weaker" to be polite, respectful, and considerate.

It doesn't matter if she swears too - if you're worried/angry at how she's living her life, the best way to demonstrate that is to be RESPECTFUL to her which you aren't when you're swearing like that. If she swears too? Then she is also not being respectful, but it doesn't mean that you should continue it. One of you has to step up and start treating the other with respect.

It sounds like, just from your posts (and do remember here that I only know the things you've posted, which is a great deal less than what your life situation is!) that you've got a much bigger issue than your sister does.

Why is it your sister's job to help your family out? How does she ignore that your house is in debt? There isn't anything she could do about that, and if she's financing her own life then that's all that she needs to be doing. If you are financing her life then you should stop doing that because you need to take care of your family first. But it seems like you want your sister to be working to pay off your house? You need to give up the expectation that your sister will help out more than just listening to you - it is not her responsibility to help you get out of whatever situation you're in! Sure, it would be nice if she was able to come in and fix all your problems, but that isn't realistic.

Just because she can continue her life 'normally' doesn't mean anything. My life went on perfectly normally for years and then I overdosed. My life then went almost immediately back to normal and then guess what? I overdosed many other times, and no one knew. I worked very hard to appear normal. And if your sister has gotten herself a boyfriend? You should be happy for that - it means she's taking steps forward in life.

Like if you're in all that money trouble, what are you doing buying food for her? Stop buying food for her. She can manage on her own as that's her responsibility as she is an adult.

Again - if you want to have a healthy relationship with your sister, YOU will need to change your attitude towards her and the entire situation. (I would be telling her the same thing if she was on this forum btw, it's a two-way street).

You said in your first post that you want your sister back. You won't get her back if you act the way you have in this thread in real-life. You come off as someone who is controlling, who is blaming others for your own problems, who is making excuses for their own poor behaviour, who isn't taking responsibility for their own role, etc. I'm very sorry if you disagree, but I only see what you've posted in this thread and the tone of everything you've said is so very negative.

You simply have got to change if you're wanting to have a healthy relationship with your sister. The more you change, the more likely you are to see her start to change too. If you stop trying to tell her how to live her life and what she should or should not be doing, the more likely she is to start considering the things that you say or to start making changes on her own.

She might very well refuse to eat the healthy veg when you're around simply because she doesn't want to feed your ego (because then you see, that would mean that you've won and that you're right and that would only make you continue to see yourself as right all the time).

It might take a while before your sister starts to respond to any changes you make - because it would seem fake for a loooong time and she likely doesn't trust you to not be manipulating her. (Again - this is purely based off of the few things that you've said in this thread, so I am very aware that I'm reaching here!). I'd have an honest chat with her along the lines of "Look, I know we've got a pretty crap relationship. I don't like what you're doing with your life, but I am going to stop trying to change you. I think we should try to be respectful to each other and not swear, and I need you to know that I'm trying to do this because I care about you and don't want to lose you. If you want my advice on something I will gladly talk it over with you, but if I start telling you what to do please let me know and we'll stop that conversation. I need your help too, because my life isn't in a very good place and it'd be really nice to know that I have you around to listen to me." and other such things along that line.

And quite frankly... it doesn't matter how bad things get, there's never an excuse to be disrespectful to someone.

Anyway. I'm sure you're offended by this and I do apologize for that, but I hope that you can at least take SOMETHING away from it and try to change the way that you interact with your sister.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wheresxenon

I know that she is depressed, but she can continue her life normally and she also got herself a online boyfriend. Yet, if she can do that why can't she help her family out? But she only uses her "depression" as an excuse.

To force someone to eat vegetables by threatening to discontinue the supply of food altogether is a mild version of rape. You see it almost as your accomplishment. It is not an accomplishment. It is not an achievement to be proud of. It is what it is - forcing somebody to do what she does not want to do.

If you do not like her ways, disengage from her.

Also, you wrote about the online bf as if the skills needed to find an online bf were completely transferrable and could be readily applied towards helping your family out. This is not necessarily the case. If you believe that she does not deserve having a bf (you seemed to imply that but did not state so outright, so I am unsure), disengage from her. People do not particularly like to associate with those who begrudge them their online boyfriends. And what if she gets a RL bf? Would you begrudge a RL bf more? or less? or the same? Food for thought?..

Reread what you have rewritten to see that you come across as self-righteous, and being self-righteous is not, generally speaking, endearing. She might be harboring resentment towards you and / or acting out in passive aggressive ways because of all the pent up resentment. No fun.