Hating How I Look

I haven't seen a forum for Body Dysmorphic Disorder on here, so I figured I would make a thread in the self esteem forum.

I saw a couple photos of incredibly attractive people earlier, and I have been feeling disgusted with myself ever since. Does anyone have tips for BDD?

HI, rise__above.

If you use the "Search" function on the PC web page(it's the button between "New Posts" and "Quick Links".), you can type in body dysmorphic disorder and come up with other members who may have posted about this disorder. If the feedback is slow to your post, you could private message a few of those members explaining what your thread is all about and where it is.

I could only find a descriptive web page on the PC website that relates to BDD.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central

Hope that helps!

Thanks. Haven't found anything useful. Not much of a BDD community here.

you need to spend several hours non-stop browsing social networks and just looking at random people.

Well... it does seem that you have something highly unusual, possibly BDD, since your level of dissatisfaction with your looks is... well... intense.

So OK, let us try being more or less objective, and, let us try to get into a problem-solving mode.

What do you dislike about your skin? hair? smile? I am listing those because they can be changed. Acne can be treated, hair can be made into a different cut/do, and dental work can improve the smile.

What seems to be the most worrisome thing is that you hate your voice. This is not even BDD - this is something else. The voice is one of the most enduring and robust characteristics of a human; it does not change as nearly as much as looks do with age. What exactly do you dislike about your voice - that it is not musical? Or, you just dislike the sound of your spoken speech in general?

Hating one's voice signals such a tremendously deep internal conflict that you must be in therapy and the therapist should know that you hate your voice.

I think it's kind of ridiculous to say that disliking ones voice is so horrible. It's no more significant than the fact that I dislike my hair. It is a part of me, no more or less important than my other characteristics. I hate my voice because it is not considered 'typical' for my gender. I was bullied for this for years.

I am also offended that you would suggest 'problem solving' by changing me and not the way that I view myself. I'm mentally I'll, but I know that changing superficial things won't ultimately help.

Voice is a more significant concern because it affects the way you communicate with other people. It is more likely to cause you to feel isolated and cut off, than bad hair or skin.

Changing superficial things, as you put it, is not the entire solution. It is a beginning. If you can do something simple that starts to make you feel better immediately it is easier to take another step forward. Getting your hair worked on or getting a massage is nice. I've even had my nails done, when I saw my wife doing it and it seemed to make her feel good. We both went in together after we had our hair done. Then we went for dinner. It feels good to go out and have someone take care of you for a while. It is a start.

It isn't easy to change the way you see yourself directly. Making minor changes can give you a sense of being in control and taking power. And the advice was given for the purpose of being helpful. You do see that, don't you?

Have you ever determined what you consider your CORE issue to be, rise_above? I can understand your feelings towards Body Dysmorphic Disorder. For myself, there's a general negativity towards myself that becomes an issue in each of my relationships in life. I believe that my core issue all revolves around deep-seated self-hate.

I have been trying for many years to overcome these negative put-downs..to stop it. To work out more, and do whatever I can to make myself "better". One handy piece of advice my T gives me every now and then is to accept that I hate myself, but challenge my extreme beliefs. I may be horrible, yes, but I am better than some people in this world. I'm not the absolute worst. I can't realistically argue with that.

So, it's helpful if you can come up with counter statements that you really do believe. Otherwise all of the reassurance from others really doesn't mean much at all (to me anyway). Fighting these sad beliefs about myself takes a long time, as I've held them almost all of my life. Take small steps. Challenge the beliefs that are more extreme, as those are easier to point out occasions when it doesn't fit you.

Gentle hugs to you ~ take care!

I don't know much about BDD but I don't think we should be assuming we know the gender of this poster nor whether or not he/she is unattractive and needs a makeover. Definitely not the latter.
To the OP... I don't think I would be much help to you other than to offer an opinion that this is deeper than any positive affirmations or positive reinforcement will help.
I agree that there is more of self-loathing in this than there is dissatisfaction with personal appearance.
I've spent the greater part of my life struggling with vanity and as odd as it may sound, there seems to be an element of vanity in BDD so I think I will leave the thread now, but I wish you well.

I'm sorry that you feel offended by their suggestion, but I'm going to jump in and share why I think they're good little suggestions. Keep in mind, I highly dislike a lot about my own body and have been working at it for years.

Changing the superficial things, that CAN be changed? I change my hair colour quite often. It is is a quick and easy fix. And you know what? When I like my hair more, I find that I like the rest of me more. When my hair is a colour of my choosing - well, it lets me see that my the shape of my face is actually nice. It's helped me like my skin tone - because you know, I can pull of pretty much any colour of hair! I never knew that until I tried dying it all sorts of different colours. When I get my teeth whitened, it makes me happier to smile and I don't feel as self-conscious of it - which makes me feel more confident.

I can actually wear skirts and dresses now - albeit with tights on, because I do still have issues with how my legs look - I feel I have huge calfs and my legs are INSANELY pale. But I can actually walk around and have them showing and not actually feel bad about it - with the help of tights.

I think they were good suggestions because you have got a huge list of things about yourself that trouble you. If you give a temp fix to the things that you can.. it can help you see the rest of you in a different manner, or at least make your list of disliked features smaller and less overwhelming.

Like... I actually went to my normal hair colour about a year ago. Just to see. It didn't bother me at all, and I still liked those features of myself that I used to highly dislike. Since then I've dyed my hair again, but it's because I enjoy doing it. No one else thinks I need to - it's purely to suit my own aesthetics.

Aside from changing your teeth and your hair, the rest would require surgery and/or a LOT of both physical and psychological work to change. And I don't know about you, but I do NOT want to ever get plastic surgery because I want to ultimately be me! And I sort of want to like me as me before really working on getting fit.

I also find that the way I dress affects what I think of the rest of me. When I was younger I wanted to hide in my clothes, or was somewhat boxed in due to my family's limitations. I hated my body and I certainly showed it to everyone. As superficial as it sounds - I pay more attention to what I wear, and certain clothes make me like my body's shape more. Some clothes show off parts of me and helps minimize the look of others. Does it seem shallow? Sure. But I also find it shallow of myself to dislike anything about my own appearance.

Basically.. if you hate so much of your body, you need to find some way or another to see yourself in a new light. For me, it was dying my hair, putting on make up (speaking off, I'm perfectly content to run out the door in joggers, no makeup, and my hair all wild - and NOT feel miserable! YAY PROGRESS!!!), and wearing clothes that suit my body. For you? I don't know, I'm not you.

Voice is not a superficial thing. Voice is one of the main tools of relating to other people. Voice communicates words, and verbal communication is important. Voice also expresses and communicates a whole host of non-verbal subtleties that are no less important than verbal signals. So it is basically a whole big world onto itself, and as such, yes, much more significant than hair. Hair can be used to express yourself and to communicate with others, but not to the extent to which voice is used on a daily basis for self-expression and communication.

I am sorry I offended you unintentionally.

I am actually grateful to you for your post because until I read it, I had not realized just how much I love my voice and all the things I can do with that (I can send very subtle yet powerful messages via modulating my voice). I hope that with time you will get to love your voice, as well.

To the extent that your voice is not customary per your gender, this is an issue of gender identity. If you were bullied for it, then also you are suffering from deep trauma that lasted for many years.

I reacted by suggesting problem solving because I have found the problem solving approach to be the simplest one in life, and thus propose it as the first line of defense. If you prefer to dwell on mental illness diagnoses, that is up to you. When I see a message in which a person complains about their skin, my first reaction is to propose that something positive be done to stop hating their skin (topical retinoids, makeup, etc.). If you do not want to be suggested problem solving approaches, you need to stop wasting the time of people who react by suggesting problem solving approaches. In other words, you need to qualify your posts with: "To preempt suggestions that I treat acne, I do not have acne and simply hate my skin due to having a mental illness diagnosis. And, I am posting just for the sake of writing about my hating my skin publicly, and not aiming to improve my skin."
Thank you.

Sorry to vent.

Venting's allowed!

But you did ask for tips... so we've been trying to give whatever tips we can think of really.

I don't think ya'll are getting it. The poster isn't asking for tips on improving appearance. The poster is asking for tips on dealing with the issue of BDD.
Giving grooming tips to someone with BDD is kind of like suggesting ear plugs to a schizophenic who hears voices.
Better articles on BDD:
Body dysmorphic disorder - MayoClinic.com

George,

Thank you, but the link to Mayo Clinic says, in part:

"Treatment of body dysmorphic disorder may include medication and cognitive behavioral therapy."

How are tips on improving appearance that much different from the CBT approach?

was a CBT-type approach.

Are you two trained in CBT? Done a complete assessment of this member? No? Okay then
I bolded the parts that I think might make it easier to understand why a makeover isn't going to help.
I'm pretty sure the poster wanted tips to deal with the impact the mental health issue has on his/her daily life, not tips on improving his/her appearance or voice.
If the member would like to clarify that question it might be best all around but it seems pretty clear from his/her followup posts that beauty tips are not the aim of the thread. It isn't my goal to start an argument here... just trying to help the poster get some good answers on the issue.

I guess for me the good thing about CBT is that it does include common sense .

OP started the thread by saying that they viewed the photographs of incredibly attractive people and became hugely upset.

I offered a common sense approach:

OP did not try that approach. Comparing oneself only to incredibly attractive people is a bad habit on a cognitive level. It has nothing to do with imaginary flaws listed as symptoms of BDD.

I'm not going to argue with you anymore. I'm not even going to disagree. The OP seems to have become discouraged and left the thread. I don't think we were very helpful.

I do not think that we were unhelpful.

I think the OP just was not looking to get help.

He acknowledged it, above, by pointing out that he was just venting. Maybe when he posted the OP, he thought he was looking for help, but later on, he realized that no, he was not looking for help, but was just venting.

Nothing wrong with just venting, either.

From past experience with friends here "I was just venting" etc is a nice way of saying "forget it, sorry I asked" when a thread is unhelpful. You can have the last word if you wish.

That might be the case, although given that the site allows for the removal of the whole thread (if you ask a moderator to remove a thread you started, they will remove within hours), posting a "just venting" thingie is not the most useful way of dealing with unhelpful responses.

I thought this was a place for mental support... wow, just wow.

Just popping in again... to say that I don't really appreciate the implication that I'm trying to come off as being someone who is trained in CBT. That was an inappropriate way to trying to put words into my mouth that I've never said.

That's all the OP said in their post, so you've just given us your interpretation of that. My own interpretation included wanting tips both on how to improve self-esteem in regards to body-image and tips on the impact. However; I only had any suggestions regarding one, so that was what I included in my responses.

Jimi! Yes! You must be in the know about mental support to say that. You really must be in the know.

Tell us, please!!!!! tell us, how we should go about giving mental support to a person who compares themselves with the incredibly attractive people and gets upset... without suggesting that they look at average faces first?

I am really curious what should have been done or said instead.

HB, giving someone with BDD tips about how to improve their looks is like giving someone with anorexia tips about dieting.

Good golly.