[winterglen]

First of all, I'm very sorry if I seem unappreciative for past support. I know you mean well, and your advice probably works well for other people. It's just not working for me.

The thing is, it's not okay for me to make mistakes, because when I make mistakes, people in my life are very cruel and unforgiving about them. Whenever I make a mistake, people take it as an invitation to treat me badly, and I can't complain because I deserve it.

They make it very clear that if I don't perform perfectly all the time, then I'm not good enough to exist in their world. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that I have to accept being rejected and ridiculed and dehumanized, and none of it would be happening if I had just been a better person -- if I had just tried harder to do or be what they wanted.

So when someone tries to tell me that everyone makes mistakes, I can't really believe it. If everyone made mistakes, then why are they being so cruel to me about mine? Why does my life feel like a cruel game that is rigged for me to always lose?

And I don't learn. I keep failing and losing and giving them more sanctions to hurt me. And when I start crying, they tell me I should be ashamed of myself for getting worked up over nothing and I should be grateful I don't have real problems.

I'm sorry. I wish I could believe your kind words. I wish I could believe I deserved kindness. The way I understand it, though, is that kindness has limited supplies, and I'll admit there are tons more people who deserve kindness more than me.

Maybe I'll shape up someday.

[unaluna]

Trust me on this - early experiences of people ie family treating you like crap can make the rest of your life feel like youre looking thru crap-colored glasses. Only you dont realize youre wearing them. Therapy is the process of removing the crap-colored glasses.

[StrongerMan]

Some people unfortunately believe that ridicule, cruelty and anger etc... are the best ways to treat people who make a mistake. Their own shame is causing them to project their bad feelings on to you. I know first hand because my dad did that to me. What this does is cause a person to constantly live from a position of lack where they think they are inherently defective and come to expect and accept such bad treatment. But we most certainly do not have to think this way. We are human beings just like everyone else and deserve to see our mistakes as opportunities to be better people in whatever we do. Yes, mistakes are the only way anyone learns. We deserve to be able to set healthy boundaries and when a person says something hurtful, we should kindly tell them it is not ok. We owe that to ourselves as well as them. You can't often change angry, critical people but you can change, over time, how what they say affects you. And you can find friends among the vast multitude of people who are mostly kind and helpful. But just be aware, even truly kind people sometimes make mistakes and act unkind. But they will usually admit to it and eventually apologize. But if we don't speak up and respectfully draw the line, they will never learn from their mistake. And we might unknowingly miss out on a great, trusting and caring friendship.

[notallwhowander]

I - and I'm sure so many reading this - wish I could take your pain away with words, but that's impossible. There are a couple things that came to mind when I read about your experience with lack of forgiveness (they may seem a bit radical, so I'm sorry if they offend, I'm only intending to help empower you).
Firstly, some people consider that many of the systems/structures we partake in are failures in and of themselves. Our societies are running on dated models of affluence, forcing us to monetize our energy as a commodity to be used not only for ourselves but also for other people. How do you succeed in this kind of game? What is 'success' anyways?
Secondly, there are entire religions and modes of life centered around the ideal of perfectionism. For some, being 'perfect' brings them closer to God. For others, being 'perfect' is enduring pain and humiliation on the outside while containing - and internalizing - all emotions on the inside. Decide whose definition you want to live up to, and try going from there...