Anxiety or Self-Esteem issues?

Hi all,

I believe I have an anxiety issue, but am not really sure what it is. Perhaps it is more of a low self-esteem thing? Here are a few examples of situations that I have trouble dealing with:

1 - I used to coach a certain sport with another instructor. I would sometimes feel that the kids would like the other person more than me.

2 - I get a bit jealous when my in-laws come to town and spend time with my daughter. I know this is wrong, but I feel like they are almost trying to get her to love them more than me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is what it is.

3 - At work I sometimes get jealous and feel that my opinion is not needed or wanted. For instance, I get along really well with my boss who is a woman (i'm male) and we work on quite a few of the same projects. I will sometimes get jealous if she has meeting with others that I work with. I have no idea why, but I almost feel like i'm missing out on some attention or something important when I am excluded from things. This then leads to me believing that she likes my other co-workers more. Normally this shouldn't bother me (i'm married), but for whatever reason with her it does.

Anyway I know this is not much to go on, but I feel like I have some issues that I need to work out. Appreciate any advice. Thanks!

Welcome to PsychCentral Marcus. Self-esteem and security issues can lead to feelings of anxiety so it might be difficult to separate the two. The thoughts and feelings you are having might be on the normal side of the spectrum of life (who doesn't become jealous at times?) ... or they might really be impacting your well-being and functioning. That is the filter I run my life issues through - if it is really affecting my happiness and my functioning, then I need to address it.

I face similar problems, like feeling neglected, unwanted, unworthy etc. I often consciously know that what I'm feeling is not the reality, although the negative emotions are quite strong than what I speak to my mind. One reason is maybe, people like us are not collected. That is, we relentlessly collect facts from around us rather than being mindful and collected. Try to concentrate on yourself. It's a matter of practice, but this may help you in keeping the negative thoughts at bay. Good luck.

I don't know the answer, but I immediately thought of a good exercise for you.

This forum is a safe environment and most people who would read what you have to say have been there done that on some level. So it is safe to just express yourself without injecting "I know this sounds crazy" bits. That alone would allow you to be with your feelings. Currently, you are partially experiencing feelings and partially acting as a judge of those feelings. Drop the role of a judge and that alone will make an improvement.

My opinion: Insecurity more than anxiety based on your examples. You also probably get anxious when you feel insecure. But they stem from insecure feelings. I find insecurity comes from ways we were treated in childhood,or how we were raised.

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I think it's normal for us to "read" more into a situation than is really there. I know that I do this all the time. My husband says that I am 'way too sensitive' but, honestly, I believe that is an excuse he uses to get around his controlling, bullying-type behaviors. (I can say this with perfect clarity tho because other people - most recently, the nurses & doctors at the psych unit - have confirmed his behavior, so I know I'm not imagining it.) Yes, I am sensitive. Probably far more than the average person. And that's fine by me. I like who I am.

Does it cause problems for me? You bet.
Is it inconvenient? Yep.
Does it mess with my mind? Yes sir, it most certainly does.

But I wouldn't change a thing. For everything God gives us, there is a good side and a bad side. The bad side of our sensitivity is the 'over much' part: we put too much into what we see. As in, you are reading "exclusion" where there probably is none when your boss is in a meeting with someone else. Or when your In-laws are playing with your daughter and you see an attempt to 'make her love them more than you'. That's how it is with us many times: with us, it's "All or Nothing". But we have to remember that, most of the time, life is just mundane. Regular ol' boring stuff. There are no conspiracy theories, hidden strategies or agendas or anything else going on. Other people are just trying to get on & live their lives just as you are doing too. Hard to believe, I know, but it's true.

I would suggest you look into something called "C.B.T." (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). This is something you can do either individually with a therapist, in a group setting or alone with a workbook. I have done it with a group and am now in the process of completing an intensive course on my own via a workbook & text. It's not easy & requires a lot of true introspection and uncomfortable insight, but it's more than worth it for the results you get.)

The next time you begin having these thoughts & feel the anxiety rising, try to get yourself to stop & take some big, deep calming breaths. Try to think thru these things - that there are no conspiracies, no hidden agendas, no one is out to get you. That what looked like one thing to you is not that at all. If you need to prove it to yourself, then do so. But do so calmly and with great control, all the while breathing slowly. (I know, easier said than done. The last time I did this, I sounded like a fat man running up & down a flight of stairs... *Pant! Gasp! Pant! Gasp!* Haha!! But do whatever it takes to alleviate your fears. And know that it is YOU who is creating those fears in the first place. And it becomes a vicious circle: you worry, you get anxious, you project fear, others sense it, you sense their worry and round & round we go.

I hope this helps you a little. I know the things that we tell ourselves in our minds can be awfully cruel sometimes. And I don't know why we do it. We wouldn't be so cruel to someone else!! Why do we do it to ourselves??! Anyway, I hope things get better for you. I really do.

Take care.

These two seem to go together. So many emotional issues travel with another one.