[winterglen]

"A perfectionist? You? You're such a liar."

That's what anyone would say if they saw me. If they saw my messy apartment, my barely-passing grades at school, my shameful performance records at work, my hundreds of projects that never get done.

Everyone always tells me that perfectionists are straight A students who have dozens of awards and accomplishments to their name. When they want to do something good, they go out and do it. They don't just lie around and whine and hope it gets done "someday."

I want so badly to be the right kind of perfectionist, because that's the person who deserves to be happy. That's the person who will never have to worry about keeping her job or getting others to like her or proving her worth. All she has to do is be her innately good self and achieve, achieve, achieve.

And people will tell me that if I'm not that kind of person, then the problem is that I'm lazy and entitled, and apparently it's up to them to tell me that until I shape up and become a high-achieving, worthy person.

I keep hoping that I'll magically transform into this worthy capable person. If I want to be happy, all I have to do is earn it by doing everything perfectly, like the "right" kind of perfectionists do. But for some reason, I make this much harder than it should be.

[glok]

Hello, winterglen. Sorry you have had to endure the criticism. I can relate to what you are saying. My problem was procrastination. Very stressful.

A Different Take on Perfectionism | World of Psychology

I wish you well.

[-jimi-]

I'm also a perfectionist. That is why my place is a mess. Since I cannot make it perfect it might just as well be a total disaster. I'm slowly learning the concept of "good enough".

[NowhereUSA]

i hate perfectionism. i was one for a very long time and i have learned to let it go. it kept me from ever starting, from even doing halfway decent. because sometimes good enough is exactly that. i think perfectionism, at its core, is fear of failure. if i can't do it right the first time, why bother trying? this is my favorite quote ever about perfectionism:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a ****** first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.” Anne Lamott

Hi winterglen, I've found that some people pick on you about how good you are no matter what you do. Those people who take notice when you struggle are the same people who are jealous of others who are doing very well. I don't think there's anything you can do to make them happy with you, and it's best to put what they say out of mind. I always think they have self-esteem issues themselves with not being good enough. Remember, simply being the best or a high achiever isn't what makes you happy, but whether you genuinely enjoy what you are doing. Trying to live up to their expectations may be causing you to be a perfectionist and holding yourself back. I sometimes worry so much about how good something needs to be that I don't even start on it in fear it won't be perfect, and that people will judge me to be imperfect. However, most people except employers and such aren't worried about a good job as nearly as much as I thought. They probably only think about it only long enough to judge you and compare themselves to you if they feel inadequate, and then they put it out of mind. My reasoning is that you have your whole life ahead to make yourself happy, and not others.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by winterglen

I keep hoping that I'll magically transform into this worthy capable person.

That is probably not going to happen anytime soon. Transformation takes a whole lot of time and effort, it is a learning and practice situation, like becoming good at a sport or getting better grades, etc. You have to have a specific goal (an "A" in English this semester) and work at that goal (or, 3 hours of homework every day, including weekends) or, hang up my clothes when I take them off (instead of throwing them wherever) or, no eating in my room or, do my laundry every Sunday afternoon or, eat at least 3 fruits and vegetables every day.

Start very small and "easy" and build on it. People become "capable" not by nature but by acting a certain way over and over. There is no magic to it for them or for you.

[jaofao]

- Who deserves to be happy, who doesn't?
- Who is perfect? Are you really a perfectionist?
You may have the wrong answers to all these questions. You simply have so many misconceptions.

I think the problem here is that you're too afraid to get judged, you're taking insufficient actions. You are not trying enough.

I would say crash straight into the things you need to do now, be it a success or failure; and you will learn, you will improve. Otherwise, you would just be getting left further and further behind.

Hi winterglen! I too am your kind of perfectionist... my dad would laugh if I said so, but I am a total procrastinator to the max! And it's all because of obsessing over the minute details...and anxiety over even beginning a project due to the need for it to be immaculate.
We deserve a place in the world. Those others, they aren't actually perfectionists: they don't cling to one thing, and therefore are able to move on to the next project.
A lot of creative people are like you and me. Just think of the term "Writer's Block." They don't have a term for math geniuses who are stopped up, or business moguls.
I don't think that you have to be an A+ student to deserve respect. In order to live well, however, you may just need help organizing your life! Some people are masters at it, whereas people like us need a little extra push.
Also, we need help letting go. Throughout college, I was good at writing, but never able to write a really fantastic paper, because I was so full of anxiety about even beginning it because it had to be perfect! Then, I ended up having no time to write, and handing in a shoddy paper full of grammar mistakes and citation problems, merely because I didn't have time to proofread. If I had been able to let go at first, and just allow myself to write no matter how bad, I would have had ample time to write a better paper, and proofread.
It sounds like you are over-stressed, and maybe stretching yourself thin, two things perfectionists tend to do. Maybe you need to take some projects off your plate. Make a list of priorities, and break them up into time slots each day. School and work come first, but don't forget to include small household duties. If your space is cluttered, give yourself even 5 minutes a day to declutter. 5 minutes of putting away clothes. 5 minutes of wiping the kitchen counter. 5 minutes to wash the dishes you just ate off of.
If you write down the next days schedule ahead of time, and try to follow it, you can make yourself get things done! You can even set a timer on your phone...
I know it's stressful and miserable, but you can get through this! Don't listen to what other people say! (**though I would advise against telling someone you're a perfectionist as an excuse for not getting work in...most likely they won't understand.**)

Hi Winterglen,

Thanks for sharing this, gosh I can also relate to this.
Surfing the web for around 14 hours a day and reading books which have nothing to do with anything according to the parents.

Grades at school were barely passed yet many say i'm quite particular about things- how on earth does that makes any sense, well we can be strong in other ways, just because one system does not work with how we learn or live it does not mean the person is useless and not an achiever.

I guess people do things at different rates, some need time to think and figure stuff out, others can just race ahead and block out things etc.

Try not to be hard on yourself

[offthegrid]

This sounds just like me! When I was in school I would never perform as well in school as my "smart" friends and it literally made me not want to try. I managed to get out of high school with a 3.5 GPA. Do you think that made me happy? Nope. I cried to my parents that I wasn't smart enough because I didn't get a 4.0. I was a "failure" and even with a college degree, I feel totally unaccomplished a lot these days and don't bother trying to reach goals unless I stick to a fairly strict daily agenda.

I think perfectionists have a different view of what failure is and it doesn't make a lot of sense to other people I suppose. For what it's worth, don't even think about the "big picture". Ruminating on that just reminds you of how far you have to go. Just one foot in front of the other. People may think that you're lazy (more than likely that's your own self talk) but even if they are assuming the worst about you, they don't know your daily struggle so just let them talk.