Nothing wrong

I am making up problems in my head. I am perfectly fine but pretending that something is wrong with me. I am selfish. I am a liar. A two-faced stubborn ungrateful *****. I am an attention *****. I am a crybaby. I am not mature enough to take responsibility for my own mistakes. I find other people to blame. I am pitiful. I am the worst kind of existing person. Someone who is able to do things, but stays idle and doesn't do **** for the world. All I do is consume food and breathe air. I contribute nothing to society. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. That would make it a whole lot easier for the people I have bothered. I could give all the money I earned to someone else who would use it for some better deed. And some other person could have my things. I don't want them. But they are in perfect condition. Someone else can have my family. Someone who deserved to live. I'm sure someone else would make better use of the resources than me.

There is nothing wrong with me. But I am no good.

so now that you have listed all the negative things about you, what are your strengths? it is helpful to have that list on hand too. I used to do this to myself but then I found a way to counteract it. I came up with one indisputable fact. one good thing about me that I could not deny no matter how bad I felt about myself. for me it was that I was a good writer. I have always gotten A's on my papers for as long as I can remember and write professional evaluations today that receive praise. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I started running off that list of bad things in my head, I could say, yeah, but I am a good writer to compliment myself and feel good instead of bad. soon I found more good things about me and added them to the list. it took awhile but eventually I started believing that I was a good person with these good qualities. this is how I built my self esteem.

Hi constellation, you know if this bit is true: "I am perfectly fine but pretending that something is wrong with me" then just the fact to start with, that you've seen recognised it is great!!! It really is!!!
That can seriously empower you to start on the steps to making the changes to be more the person you want to be. Of course making changes can be really tough, it can take a lot, and support (sometimes a lot of support!!) along the way but it is one **** of a start in "just" seeing where you are and where you want to be!!! So good on you!!!!!
And absolutely build on seeing/acknowledging your good qualities too!!!!
But you know what, I'd say that just from how hard you're being on yourself, that there are things wrong for you.......you are "hurting"........it's not "pretending", and it's not your "fault"
And "the worst kind of existing person"..........I am just not buying!!!
Stuff like "selfish" could be reason for that, right e.g. self protection, not feeling other people really care about you, finding it hard to care about yourself let alone others...........wanting attention e.g. wanting/needing someone to notice you when you feel unnoticable, trying to fill a gap..........staying idle e.g feeling things are pointless, just not having the energy/motivation/caring to even think about trying to do things...........pitiful/a crybaby says to me instead that you're really struggling with feelings..............
I could go on with the list............but you're getting what I mean???
So.............maybe depression??? And you can get help with that, it can get better.
Please give yourself a break, depression isn't something we make up, it is very real, and you deserve support with it. It is not your fault!!!
So.........here's hoping either the first or the second part of this made sense/helped just a tiny bit............???

Alison

Ok I'm sorry I caved into being completely negative. I know I shouldn't do that.
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Thank you for your suggestion kaliope. I do have a lot of things I am good at. I won't deny them, but I also don't like to tell people because it seems very arrogant. I instead prefer to do things on my own and let others decide for themselves whether they think I'm good at something or not.

I really could list all I am good at. But I am a bit confused how that will help me. I can tell myself I am good at A, but it doesn't seem to compensate for me not being good at B. For example, what good does being an awesome badminton player do when I am a bad friend because I act inappropriately towards friends or significant others? It's like trying to compare apples to oranges.

I know I posted this under the self-esteem thread, but now that I think about it, I am not insecure about my strengths. I just don't like to acknowledge them when talking to other people unless they point it out.

I may just be too much of a perfectionist. If I don't feel like I am at A+ all the time, would that be considered having low self-esteem?
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Thank you for your post Alison. I do think I have depression. I have not been formally diagnosed, but I am well aware that it is a real thing. Many of the people surrounding me (e.g. my parents, my coworkers) believe that as long as I go hang out with friends, I will be happier. I do think that is a valid point. But I also find it extremely hard to unwind near my friends. I was spending the night with all the girls when I posted this thread because I felt frustrated that I couldn't express how I was feeling. I didn't want it turning into a pity party if I said anything about how sad I felt. I also have been struggling for over a year now, and they may be bored of listening to the same problems when I have made no progress.

I don't want things to be all about me. It makes me uncomfortable. But I also feel like I could disappear without anyone noticing, and that it's something I set myself up for. Obviously if I don't want to be the center of attention, then I will act unnoticeable, and people won't notice me. Seems self-defeating enough.

It feels selfish to ask for attention. I don't like being selfish. Therefore I don't ask for attention. But I think I want attention. So would that make me a hypocrite if I told people I am not selfish, but received attention?

I am an introvert. I am comfortable being alone. And yet, I feel sad when people don't include me. But if I act unnoticeable, then how was I supposed to be invited to join my office's white elephant exchange?

I am my own barrier.

Therefore, I conclude that my depression is my own fault.