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Old Jan 25, 2015, 06:08 PM
Anonymous37918
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Hi there,

Need to share..

I've suffered from chronic blushing since my early teens and in the past couple of weeks, the problem has reared its ugly head again.. I think it has to do with shame from early childhood when I wasn't accepted/loved by my parents.

My therapist says shame is the only emotion that is completely unnecessary as it holds no informative value (the message 'I'm bad' is simply not true, ever). I get this and would so like to be able to let go of the shame! However.. I also feel it has saved me, in a way, over the years.. Believing I'm bad has meant I've told myself to hide, not show people who I truly am, my true colours.. Thus no one has been able to hurt me, either, not been able to get to me as they've never really seen me..

The thing is, this can't be necessary anymore! I do feel we're supposed to be seen, we're supposed to show ourselves. If someone doesn't accept/love us for who we are, so what - we'll move onto the next person, and maybe the next one until we find the ones that do..

I guess I need to hear that it's safe to show myself, that I'm good and that most people won't be like my parents but will actually be good and want what's best for everyone - and the ones who don't do not matter!
Hugs from:
peaceseeker63
Thanks for this!
buffysummers

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  #2  
Old Jan 25, 2015, 07:00 PM
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peaceseeker63 peaceseeker63 is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 107
Hi D.O.A.,
i can relate to your feelings of shame. My mom was very shame based and really passed this down to her kids in the way she related to us. Luckily, most people I have encountered in life treat me very well, but it took awhile for me to trust other people. Once I saw that I was actually holding myself back with my shame based thinking, and other people did not see me in a negative way, I was slowly able to come out of my shell. I have to be very careful to listen to how I talk to myself and think about myself so that the negative talk doesn't creep in. I can so easilh slide down again...did it earlier today in a post. I also believe that showing who you are is important in order to form lasting relationships. It can be risky, but it is worth it.
Hugs from:
Anonymous37918
  #3  
Old Jan 27, 2015, 03:01 PM
Anonymous37918
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peaceseeker63 (love your nick, btw!)

Shame has been handed over from one generation to the next in my family as well.. My mother's father was a violent alcoholic, and from what my mum has told me, it's obvious the whole family was ashamed of his illness.. And their unwillingness to discuss the issue has kept their shame alive to this day. My dad, on the other hand, never knew or was told about his own father and grew up with his distant mother and her parents. I'm sure he carries inside him a lot of shame he never talks about..

I really want the dysfunctional family legacy to end with me! If I ever have children, I don't want them to ever have to feel ashamed of themselves..

Quote:
Originally Posted by peaceseeker63 View Post
I also believe that showing who you are is important in order to form lasting relationships.
I agree with you completely on this. What I find hard is not taking rejection in the present day in the same way I took it when I was a child - as a message telling me I'm not good enough, or that I'm bad somehow.. I'm so afraid of that shameful message that I hardly ever dare open up to people in 'real life'..
  #4  
Old Jan 27, 2015, 10:40 PM
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peaceseeker63 peaceseeker63 is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 107
I understand that fear. I have to practice compassionate self talk when I start to go down the old road! It is definitely a process and takes practice and lots of repetition. Keep trying!!!!
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Anonymous37918
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