[peggymae]

I have a friend who everyone likes, she's friendly, cheerful but she's very needy. She doesn't want to work 8-5, had dreams of becoming a massage therapist so she quit her governmental job where of course, everyone else got promoted or was liked but her (retired early) husband sent her through massage school, now she has one client a week and not trying for more. A few people have pointed her in the way of hooking up with a chiropractor but that gets beaten down. (excuses). They could use the money, husband has tried to say she needs to work but there are tons of excuses. Back hurts, eyes hurt, etc. She is home all day, he is at work 9 hours a day. She cooks maybe once a week, he gets up with their child (who is almost an adult now) to get him out the door for school while she is still sleeping (he thought once she retired, she'd start doing this). He will tell me at work he's got to get laundry soap and/or food for dinner. I'm like "excuse me? She has the new car, lives 2 blocks from the store and you are getting this after work?"

He has told me that whenever he buys a gift for her (Christmas/birthday), it's not good enough, wrong color, etc. He brings her flowers, instead of a thank you he gets all of her troubles today with her sister.

I just sit and listen but one thing piqued my curiosity. He went on a nice trip to visit a relative. She did not want to go. (wondering about that also). He comes home all relaxed and she meets him with 3 $10 overdue medical bills from 2 years ago. No, I miss you but 2 hours of complaining about these bills (which by the way, workman's comp had paid for). Another friend told me that it sounds like she's miserable, no self worth and she didn't want to hear that he had a good time even though she knew he did so she wanted to complain and make it miserable. I brought this up to him later and he said "that's interesting". Seems he (let's call him Lou) had a friend that told him before tLou and wife got married (26 years ago) that this friend noticed anytime Lou was happy about anything, soon to be wife brought him right down with a problem. Wife's brother told Lou, good now (wife's name) will have someone to take care of her. I just wonder if it's self esteem, non responsibility or what? Doesn't want the day to day grind, responsibility, lazy (Lou's words), doesn't want to see another person close to them happy. The reason why I am fascinated is because I think I went through something very similar just before I divorced. If my ex husband did something that he enjoyed, I picked a fight. At the time I wasn't working and I became very non responsible and lazy. Anyone have any ideas?

[Rapunzel]

That does sound familiar to me somehow. Maybe because I ought to be doing better than I am too. And I'm struggling to figure out why. I do have low self-esteem, and that could be related but the only way to find out whether or not it is for her is to hear what she has to say about it. I think that lack of self-efficacy makes more sense. I can't speak for her, but for me I think that I feel things will never be "good enough" no matter what I do, so why bother?

She could also have unmet caretaking needs that stem from childhood. Maybe she learned that people will abandon her or reject her if she does things for herself.

You're asking interesting questions. Why do you think that you have been unresponsible and lazy in the past? Have you tried talking to her about what is going on? Would she be willing to go to counseling and work on it?

[peggymae]

It just sounded a lot like me about 10 years ago when my husband left. If I wasn't happy, he wasn't going to be happy. Of course I didn't know this at the time but it makes sense now. I felt unfullfilled, wasn't obtaining my dream (whatever that may be). It just sounds so familiar. And no, I can't talk to her as I am friends with her husband only at work. He is a major caregiver which was a perfect fit but I think after 25 years and the fear of retiring soon with the house not paid off, credit cards is making him rethink everything.
I'm going to suggest they both go to counseling but I think they'd rather cry about it. (that sounds like me also)

[Perna]

I know when I have little self-motivation then I try to get away with whatever I can get away with :-) It's not necessarily self-esteem but more "this works okay and is easier." I don't think it's deliberate on the woman's part but her husband is letting her get away with it, isn't confronting her and refusing to carry the whole/more than his share of the load. An excuse is just an excuse and I don't know any of them that hold much water :-)

[Wants2Fly]

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Rapunzel said:
I can't speak for her, but for me I think that I feel things will never be "good enough" no matter what I do, so why bother?


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Me, too, I am so sorry to say.

[peggymae]

An update: Spoke with the guy today about all of this and what I thought. He told me that everytime he brings something up that he needs/wants, she goes into a tantrum and pulls the "maybe I should just kill myself". He said he now knows, she knows that will stop in him his tracks, do the "poor dear, what can I do to make you feel better". She's got him pegged. He's really fearful though because there is mental problems in her family that she may do it.

1. she sounds manipulative as hell to me.
2. she sounds lazy.
3. he is enabling all of this. there is no gun pointed at his head, right?
4. don't get yourself too involved in this. xoxoxo pat

[peggymae]

fayerody, thank you and I'm trying not to but it's hard.
Found out today that her friends tell him sometimes she gets too clingy and they need a break from her.

I think I'm going to c/p your reply and send it to him. I'm just plain tired of his problems when I have enough of my own.