Can't seem to get anything going

Thanks for reading, whoever's reading.
I'm a sex addict. I go on the internet compulsively, seemingly with no fight. I've done things that went against all of my values, crossed a lot of lines. I've known this for a while, tried to get help, and to a certain degree accepting it. But honestly I'm posting here about another issue, that is bigger in my opinion, that undermines me working on any other issue.

I get to work on something, anything, including my addiction, and I make progress. I get somewhere for a while, and then at some point, well, I'm not sure. A thought, or feeling, or more likely something under all that just turns off. Or turns on I guess it could be. And I chuck it all. It often starts with an addictive behavior, so I guess you could argue it's all part of that. A thought in my head to miss work, or miss a meeting, or go on the internet, or eat a bunch of junk food, or whatever, something that gets the ball rolling to kind of chuck everything else. It's not even like an argument, it's just like a voice that says "You're sleeping in today" or whatever. I'm not saying I hear that consciously, just that's what the experience is like. It immediately takes over. There's no fight or anything. It's funny almost. And then once one thing goes, everything else goes.

So that's it I guess, I don't know how else to describe it. I guess a little more about how it undermines everything. Like I've been meeting with an IFS counselor. But I had to stop for financial reasons. I have things to do to pursue getting a job, or making some money otherwise, and I start to do them, then this process happens and I don't follow up on anything. It's like I would need therapy to solve that issue, but I can't get to therapy because of the issue. Like a big catch-22.

I'm in a crazy amount of pain right now. It's numb a bit because of what I've been doing, but it's there. I'm hoping I can get some answers here. Is there such a thing as a like a "quitting-addict?" I don't know, I don't really care about the science of it I guess, I just want this to end.

I don't lack knowing what to do, or even the motivation to do it. It's more like the power -- that's something they said in sexaholics groups (which I also tried, but this same thing happened). I don't have the power, it just goes away sometimes, and I'm at the total demand of this part of me that wants me to give up.

I'm putting this in a few forums just cuz I don't really know where it belongs.

Thanks for reading,
Danny

i understand how difficult it is to begin "projects" for self-improvement and then be unable to follow thru. it is really frustrating. i was working on a huge project that my therapist really liked cause it made her job easier and last week i heard in my head, "we arent going to do this anymore". lots of hard work down the drain.......

i can share with you something simple that you may want to try that isnt a project, just something you can do each time you are faced with a decision. it is a way to change your thought process. just to become aware of your thinking and learn to make positive decisions. if you dont do it all the time it doesnt matter. just do it as often as you can.

it is based on abraham lincolns quote of when i do bad i feel bad, and when i do good i feel good. we all have thoughts, tons a day. not all of them are good. when we have a negative though, we are likely to take a negative action and then we feel bad about ourselves. when we are feeling bad, we increase our negative thinking leading to more negative actions and feelings. and the cycle continues. so the idea is, when you have that negative thought how do you turn it into something positive? then you will take a positive action and feel good about yourself leading to more positive thoughts, actions and feeling. this raises your self esteem.

so if you were thinking about going on the internet, negative thought, you go to sex sites, negative action, then you feel bad, ashamed of yourself. so next time you get on the internet, what positive thing can you think to do instead? go to youtube and watch funny or inspiring videos about recovery, then how will you feel about yourself? chances are you will be proud of yourself and your self exteem goes up.

you can use this philosophy for anything that you do.

hope it helps.

I can identify that moment when even though there is something really important to do that day and most likely will have repercussions if not done that day. Sometimes I will feel an unbearable anxiety and/or depression and even though I just spent 2hrs in panic getting ready to go so I could leave on time, I just will sit down in one spot and watch tv all day long. I don't know how I can suddenly not think about all my obligations and solely focus on getting my anxiety back at a comfortable level.