Self-care struggles & having to beg for attention

Hey there,

I can't be bothered to look after myself.. I feel I've always been like this. While I still lived with my parents, my mum would kick and push me (figuratively..) to make some sort of an effort, but even then, I didn't feel like it came from my heart - I only complied to keep her happy..

The thing is, I've always felt like a complete zero when it comes to my physicality. I feel I've even hated my body.. In a weird way, I've felt that if I didn't have it, I never would have been afraid to die! I know that probably sounds completely bonkers.. I wish I could blame my dad, not my body!

My dad didn't want kids. I think there was a moment when I was really small where he showed me he wanted me gone.. My therapist says it could've been something as 'small' as a look, a gesture, something he actually said, the tone of his voice.. A moment where I felt I was going to die for sure.

I've always felt that no matter what I did, I could never make anyone - especially men - like me. I think this must come straight from my dad - I must have been a baby when I figured he didn't want me - I hadn't had time to do anything to make him hate me, he just didn't want kids full stop!

And now I've really let myself go.. I keep eating crap, won't shower unless I'm going out, can't even be bothered to brush my teeth regularly.. My teeth are in horrible condition, which depresses me even more because I know I can never afford to get them properly fixed. Although, I am going to try to heal them naturally, but first, I need to get out of this funk!

I'd like to just have someone else who cared about me, too.. I feel I could then be bothered to care about myself. My friends used to just call me when they wanted to do something, and only put up with me if I was sad or in some other mood they couldn't deal with. I only have one friend left who's fantastic and always does her best to help me when I ask her to, but I guess that's the problem - I always have to ask.

I feel so tired of begging for attention. Nobody asks how I'm doing on their own accord. Or if they do, they only want to hear what they want to hear. When I've seen my friends in trouble or not doing too good, I've always asked if something was wrong that I could help them with. They hardly ever told me anything and I let them be since they weren't ready to talk.. I guess they just don't know how to deal with certain things and that's why they avoid people who're going through them? So, it's not MY fault they 'don't care'?

I guess I'd just like to know I'm NOT a complete zero because my dad, or anyone else, couldn't/can't be bothered with me.. That I matter and was meant to be born anyway!

i learned a long time ago that i cant depend on anybody else to care about me. would i like it? hell yeah? do i crave it? desperately. but i only get more depressed thinking that way. i learned nobody was going to care for me until i started caring about myself. i had to do things that made me feel good because i couldnt depend on other people making me feel good. it was that simple. i could sit around being miserable waiting for others, or i could do things myself that made me feel good. so i do things for myself. take care.

Hugs!! So sorry you feel badly about yourself. My own therapist said my mom didn't want me but reluctantly grew to love me.

One practical thing I have for you---using Hydrogen Peroxide as a mouthwash is really good for your gums and teeth and a cheap short term solution. One step at a time.

Thank you so much for your support!

kaliope, I'm coming to the same conclusion myself.. I'm going to waste my life away if I wait for other people to care about me. I guess the only people who have a 'duty' to care about you are your parents, and if they're too messed up for that, then tough luck. Nothing you can do will change that. You just gotta learn to love and care about yourself and if you're lucky, might find someone else to do so, too, one day!

Thank you, growlycat I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your mum.. I hope it's some comfort to you that she grew to love you eventually..

I'm going to get the mouthwash, yes, thanks for the suggestion! The last few days, I've been making more of an effort to look after my teeth.. I've done oil pulling and have forced myself to brush twice a day no matter how out of energy I've felt.. Mum also promised to cook me some homemade bone broth which is said to be packed with vitamins and minerals that support dental health