Hey there,

I've been thinking a lot about identity and how to become 'myself' lately.. I've suffered from dissociation - as a child, I kind of had to put myself on the shelf and only focus on surviving the bad environment I grew up in.. Now that I've done a lot of work in therapy and on my own to become more 'whole', I realise I don't really know who I am, or what 'identity' even means!

Just now, I was reading about people's opinions on 'calm' people and I realised that even though I've always been described as calm, I'm really not. I'm scared, nervous, fidgety - that's not calm! But I've been able to fake it pretty well, I think..

I've held this notion that extraversion is good, introversion not so much but some people do like those who are quieter - and then insecurity, fears etc. are pathological and people really do not like others who are like this.. For the longest time, I tried to become more open and sociable, but it never felt like 'me'. Now, I've been holding onto that description that I'm calm as my last saving grace - but now, I have to admit I'm not even that.

So, this is me coming out of my insecurity closet - and I don't even mind so much anymore! I couldn't help becoming nervous and scared - developing PTSD. And there are things I can do to fix this (because I really want to as this is an incredibly stressful way to live, always being on your toes..) but I'm not going to hate myself anymore for being insecure! I'm pretty sure everyone is, in the beginning, and some have people right then and there to tell them they're OK exactly as they are. I didn't, but I can and will find those people now - and am done being ashamed of having to ask for people to notice and accept me It's just something that didn't happen when it was supposed to because the people around me didn't care/hadn't been accepted themselves so they couldn't do it for me either, and didn't know how to ask for help so they could learn..

So, it's all good - I'm good, for now, as my insecure self

[Nikongirl]

Thank you so much for writing this!! I suffer horribly from insecurity. I am also dissociative. It makes it much harder I think. I needed to hear your words more than I can tell you. My husband walked out on me last night after 14 years. He's tired of dealing with my insecurity.

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[Septembersrain]

I'm very insecure. I tend to take personality traits of people I meet or see on TV. I use this as a way to mask myself. I've done this for so long, I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore.

Luckily I'm just now figuring out why I became like this and I'm working through it. My past was very tumultuous and horrific. I think it was my minds way of dealing with the stress. I try to be "Perfect" so no one will notice my past.

After I developed extreme pain that I believe was brought on by a car accident, I've realized that this pain is what causes me to remain locked away. I'm starting to be treated for fibromyalgia.

I'm okay with me getting insecure, I just need to find a way to help with the pain. Then I think I'll begin to start discovering my true self again.

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Nikongirl, I'm so glad you saw this thread just at the right moment and it was helpful to you! I'm also very sorry to hear your husband walked out on you..

Dissociation is awful, it makes life SO difficult. I really feel for you. I hope you can get help from someone who knows how to work with dissociation. I've benefited greatly from therapy, but it's been a long and arduous process..

My parents were emotionally unavailable so I learned (wrongly) that I'm unlovable. I basically abandoned my true self as I felt she wasn't good enough. I became someone who, like you, Septembersrain, tried to be perfect in everything I did because I thought that was what it would take for my mum to accept me (my dad didn't want kids and I always felt this). I didn't realise she was sick, too, in her own way.. And that there was never really anything wrong with me.

I've been doing Inner Child work for years now. It's great seeing my true self come out, but I'm still too scared to show her to the world as I fear people will hurt her again.. I'm also embarrassed because I've got these really young child parts whose behaviour isn't really suitable for the almost 30-year-old I am. I'm kind of trying to mature in secret, which is really draining, trying to keep myself hidden from everyone.. Maybe I'll just get sick of it one of these days and stop caring about what anyone else thinks!