[shezbut]

I have always struggled with my self-esteem: early-childhood thru to now (middle-age). I just cannot seem to satisfy myself, no matter what I do. It doesn't matter what the task is either. Part of me is exhausted, while another part keeps pushing me further and further.

I have seriously considered and planned my end a few times, but I'm not currently in that state of mind. That is positive, I suppose. The one thing that keeps me going in life is absolutely my daughters. I don't want to hurt them. Other than my girls, I really don't have anything. I do have a job...but I work with yahoos. My boss refuses to change the situation, so he must consider me to be a yahoo as well. My job certainly isn't technical or high-skill level necessary, nor does it pay well. I stay because I'm not adaptive; my work history isn't very strong; and my brain injury has set real limits for me.

IDK what to do anymore. I just feel so lost, lonely, and hopeless. I don't really have a love life. My ex-bf is now a confusing mess to me. We live in the same apartment building (for disabled people), and moving out is a MAJOR challenge! He still wants to remain friends, which I can do. However, he still wants to have sex with me every now & then. Frequent kiss (pecks) though too. But, there's no commitment between us. WHAT??! It makes no freaking sense to me. Am I alone on this matter as well? Great.

I struggle so much with significance. I had to really fight myself to finally get this post written somewhere. Even though I struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and BPD, I could not allow myself to post anything in those forums. I don't feel important enough to be seen there. While I occasionally allow myself to write a quick and supportive post to someone on PC, it takes a LOT of determination to just get that done. I sure as heck don't want to bore everyone with my menial troubles.

If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading! I hope that it wasn't too lame.

[Skeezyks]

Hello shezbut: Well... the Skeezyks is well beyond middle age... But he also always has struggled with self-esteem... always has... always will (except for the periods of time in his youth when he thought of himself as being tantamount to the second coming of you-know-who...) At least that part of his life is long since gone.

The Skeezyks' life has been just one big confusing, destructive mess. From his perspective, it can't come to an end too soon. However, where you have your daughters, the Skeezyks has his wife. She has no one else... So the Skeezyks has to do his best to keep-on keepin'-on, as they say... (Not that this has stopped him from tryin' on a couple of occasions in the past...)

The Skeezyks does reply to a post or two, here on PC, occasionally. He does so, not because he considers himself to be of any particular significance. Rather he does so with the hope that something he shares of his own experience may turn out to have had some meaning for the member whose Thread he replied to. Who knows? That & the fact that being here on PC helps to keep him out of mischief...

Anyway, thanks for sharing this bit of yourself with us. The Skeezyks sends warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

You weren't lame at all, that's just the low self-esteem talking. I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings right now.

From your post I read you're a working mother, bringing up your girls, working a job with workmates you don't care for but you stick it out to earn a living for your girls sakes - IMO that's something to admire. Seriously.

In terms of the ex, that's a decision only you can come to, but please don't allow someone to treat you in ways that will contribute to you feeling bad about yourself.

Hope you can be kind to yourself, treat yourself to something - it doesn't have to be fancy, just something that makes you feel happier, a walk in a place that brings you peace, time doing something fun with your girls. You're worth it.

Take care

You are significant. Here and most importantly because you have children.

I don't think that those of us with depression can even begin to feel any amount of fulfilled. I remember what it was like, though...so I know it's possible.

I don't think that ex's are entitled to anything. Just my opinion, though.

I also wonder if my own mental health issues are viewed as dull and somehow "less"....especially right now. But I can't get support if I don't try. Neither can you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( Shez )))))))))

[Twistedfate22]

Hi. No this wasn't lame. I just want you to know I *hear* you. I understand not fitting in. I feel similar. Life's hard. It's a lot harder for others. I really don't know what to say other than I hear you and I'm sorry for your struggles.