My self esteem is non existent

I respect myself on a rational level, but I don't really feel it.

I think I've reached the bottom in feeling worthless and damaged. In being isolated and disconnected.

It has a lot of to do with my past experiences of years and years of bullying and being neglected and a scape goat. But the truth is, that if you're an outcast, it lasts for a lifetime.

It's hard to break that circle.

I'm different than others. I have untreated ADHD symptoms, maybe also Asperger's. I could never connect with others and they never helped me with this.
I was the scape goat at home. I was always standing out in primary school, being bullied (kids screaming I should end up dead or isolated in psychiatric ward, because there was one near our town and people were joking about it, writing stories about me), then I moved to Great Britain and attended a school where I was the only non-English speaking person. I was followed, abused both physically and verbally at every occassion. Then came back and was this weird, ugly, insecure girl in middle school. Also made fun of. Then I went to high school and then got pretty rebellious and aggressive, made some friendships, but still would stand out, especially for my sexuality which I was too open about, sometimes people would scream at me in the streets. Still was insecure.

Despite being pretty gifted, my flaws started to make me an underachiever. I couldn't pass finals like other people, couldn't learn to drive like other people, wasn't that fast and focused at work, so I would always hear "You're so slow" "You need so much more time to learn" "Why can't you do this like others do?".

I wasn't good at relationships either. I had this circle of friends from my town, but would also stand out. I'm not good at socializing, need a lot of stimulation, burn bridges, talk about everything with everyone which got me into trouble. i was physically attacked because of this and told no one will ever respect me, I'm a piece of ***** and should be dead.

Few months later after that I tried to figure out as much as possible about socializing and how I should act towards others etc, but that doesn't make my feelings easier, even though I know everything on a rational level.

I feel so damaged and hopeless.

My parents are okay with me now, even though my father is very much like me, many ADHD symptoms, emotionally abused by his father.

The grandfather didn't only cut my dad off but me also. I'm unworthy of anything for him.

I decided to slowly go back into my old friends circle, try to be more assertive and have boundaries set, but I wonder if this is a good idea, because they don't really care about me that much and are used to the old me acting like a doormat or an insecure *****. I don't have a good reputation among them and feel it. Most of them have a life on their own now, they're also of a higher financial status than me, so there are many differences and I often feel even more behind of everyone. I feel like in order to get friends I would have to change myself, but that, of course, is not possible and even if it was, I wouldn't change for the sake of another person.

For example, my close friend is throwing up a birthday party to which I was invited. I always cared for her birthday, would go to visit her 200 km away. There's also another girl which is still a member of our old pack, my ex friend, and her birthday is close to the first one, so they were like "let's all gather together and celebrate our birthdays!". But then, hey, I have a birthday on the same day as the second girl. I wouldn't pressure people to celebrate my birth date, because I don't find it so much important, but that's a slight faux pas. They shouldn't be inviting me. It just shows me how badly I managed those relationships. I decided to stop giving anyone gifts and things like that, because no one ever does that to me.

Hello dwr3: The Skeezyks doesn't have much to offer with regard to this. Since I'm almost completely solitary, maintaining friendships is something I don't know much about. It strikes me, though, that going back to friendships of the past would be difficult. Better, it seems to me, to move ahead into new territory. But the who am I to say? Anyway, I wish you well... I hope you are able to find your way to deep inner peace...

Yeah, that's a good idea, but, you see, I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. There are no "new" people here. Even although most of my friends moved away to the capital city (we were always connected with many people in the capital, too). The problem is that whenever I had friends from another cities they somehow became connected with people from my town, creating one big circle. People I knew who had nothing to do with my town now stick with others from my city and my old group of friends. I used to make a lot of my past friends meet my other friends, this way even couples and relationships were created. Now I'm left behind them all.

I also have to admit I'm scared to meet new people now in my life. For example, there are lot of girls on these queer forums who would love to meet me, but I'm just like, naaah.