[JadeAmethyst]

I've lost my dignity, integrity and self respect.
Most feelings are numb or closed off. I have no healthy female supports, and don't know much about "relating" to other females (or men) in a healthy way.
I have been in therapy and didn't do well. Presently, under psych. dr. care,
referred by my GP. A couple of years ago I couldn't leave the house. Today, I can drive and able to go do grocery and chores. (this is a huge gift) driving is enjoyable to me.
I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore, seems living like a social hermit isn't helpful quality of life at this point.
No one to talk to, but I have 3 dogs who are my true friends. I have tried out a meetup with dogwalkers, awkward, but we went. success. Man, there is something frozen inside wish I could thaw out, move on, and be human.

[sans]

Dear JadeAmethyst
I love the name you have chosen for yourself. I always enjoyed the healing properties of stones and wished I had gotten into it more seriously.
Congratulations to you for the driving ability!! That's one of my difficulties! I'm admiring your strength! The meet up is another awesome feat! I joined, but haven't participated yet!
Look at what you're doing good, and you'll see a reason for self respect and self love. We always put the attention on what we haven't achieved. Step by step, you are getting there!

[Skeezyks]

Hello JadeAmethyst: The Skeezyks is older & pretty-much solitary by choice. I am married. But I even keep my wife at arm's length for the most part. I seldom go out... except to walk the dog. He gets two long walks a day since we live in a townhome & have no fenced yard. For the most part, it's a fairly solitary practice... especially as the weather worsens. Occasionally we meet up with another dog walker we recognize & we'll stop & exchange pleasantries while the dogs sniff each other up.

I've taken psych med's & I've seen a few different therapists for brief periods over the years. None of amounted to anything. I no longer do either. I don't drive anymore. I could. But it's safer for all concerned if I don't. On the odd occasion that I do go somewhere, my wife drives. There are things frozen inside me as well. I know at this point in my life they will never thaw... permafrost...

[JadeAmethyst]

Thanks for the replies. It is a relief and a deeper understanding. Still breathing, and the dogs are best buddies and companions. Better day today, it is a steady, S. Tx. rain.
It comes to my attention that rain does cleanse, and it's probably a good time to drink some tea and let go.

Love
Jade

[Marielle]

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

I've lost my dignity, integrity and self respect.
Most feelings are numb or closed off. I have no healthy female supports, and don't know much about "relating" to other females (or men) in a healthy way.
I have been in therapy and didn't do well. Presently, under psych. dr. care,
referred by my GP. A couple of years ago I couldn't leave the house. Today, I can drive and able to go do grocery and chores. (this is a huge gift) driving is enjoyable to me.
I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore, seems living like a social hermit isn't helpful quality of life at this point.
No one to talk to, but I have 3 dogs who are my true friends. I have tried out a meetup with dogwalkers, awkward, but we went. success. Man, there is something frozen inside wish I could thaw out, move on, and be human.

You've made great progress. Might not seem that way because it's taking time, but the important part is that it's forward motion.

Not sure what kind of environment you're in, but I'm in an urban one and I can't speak highly enough of MeetUp. When I moved back to the area after some time away, I found that my old network of friends sprang a few leaks. They're essentially good people but they aren't reliable when we make plans, so I decided to work on making new acquaintances and MeetUp has been very helpful for that. There is one group of "urban explorers" that has a bunch of regulars and just getting to know them has made a huge impact on my quality of life. While my other groups can be hit or miss depending on what the focus is, I've met people through some of them, too.

I've found that it's just good to get out and take the focus off my own life and problems for a little while. It helps me keep perspective. When you spend a lot of time alone, it can change your perceptions, especially perceptions of yourself as you get deeper and deeper into your own head and problems. For me, it made me feel inconsequential. I know people care about me, but it's hard to actually feel that love when you don't see them very often.

And yeah, social skills are like muscles: You need to use them to keep them strong. But most of all, getting out and meeting new people gives me a chance to "start fresh." They don't know all the things I've been through. They just know me as one of the long-term residents of the area who sometimes points out interesting tidbits about this historic building or that landmark and occasionally says something that cracks everyone up. When I step back and try to see myself as they seem to see me, it's a good reminder, like, "They see this interesting/witty side of me because it actually exists. I'm not just work stress, financial problems, and scabbed-over wounds. I'm more than that."

And whatever issues you might be facing, you're more than that, too. It takes a lot of strength to go from not being able to leave the house to getting out and about. It also takes guts to come on here and talk about having issues with self-esteem. I pretty much only lurk here because I feel a certain amount of shame over some of the messes I managed to get myself into, but I had to respond to your post because I believe I have an inkling of what you might be going through and I wanted to offer some encouragement. It seems to me that your're on the right track. It takes time, but it's progress, so don't give up!

[Yours_Truly]

Joining meetup is something to be proud of. I'm terribly lonely & craving friendship but still haven't been able to make myself join due to social anxiety because of low self-esteem.

[JadeAmethyst]

Thanks all. Sometimes, I have to wait the day of a meetup. Less pressuring. Lots of huge changes right now, so tomorrow will wake up with the idea of "one good thing" to make it real, that's it. Just leave the house and go be around people. A coffee shop, solo but still being with the atmosphere and humanity fellow.
much kindness
Jade