[Rincewind]

At what point do you think it becomes a problem?

What are the signs you have a self-esteem that's unreasonably high?

I was once told I told by a mental health professional to work on lowering my self-esteem (as I'd get hurt less often). Today I scored 4 on Rosenberg scale (of 30). I'm wondering whether she'd be content with such a result or I should go even lower...

P.S. I have no desire to ask her directly (because **** her, that's why. Should've said this earlier). Just wanted to have a discussion - did you ever hear that high self-esteem leads to pain and failure and so on? Do you agree?

[TishaBuv]

I think self esteem is a good thing to have. Too much would be not called self esteem, it would be called entitlement, arrogance, grandiosity or something like that and would not be healthy whereas self esteem is healthy. I suppose there is a line where healthy self esteem becomes grandiosity and is no longer healthy.

Are you sure the therapist said lower self esteem or did they maybe say lower expectations? I get hurt because I have expectations (though I feel they are not overly high, but sometimes they may be) and people disappoint. I guess no matter how minimal one’s expectations may be, if the other does not meet them, then they were too high. The answer is to accept what we get from those people or find other people who will meet our (reasonable) expectations.

It’s faulty thinking if you are trying to lower your self esteem. Self esteem is a good thing to have. It is caring and self respect.

[Rincewind]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think self esteem is a good thing to have. Too much would be not called self esteem, it would be called entitlement, arrogance, grandiosity or something like that and would not be healthy whereas self esteem is healthy. I suppose there is a line where healthy self esteem becomes grandiosity and is no longer healthy.

Are you sure the therapist said lower self esteem or did they maybe say lower expectations? I get hurt because I have expectations (though I feel they are not overly high, but sometimes they may be) and people disappoint. I guess no matter how minimal one’s expectations may be, if the other does not meet them, then they were too high. The answer is to accept what we get from those people or find other people who will meet our (reasonable) expectations.

It’s faulty thinking if you are trying to lower your self esteem. Self esteem is a good thing to have. It is caring and self respect.

Thank you for the answer

She definitely talked about having inflated self-esteem, not expectations. As in people with understated self-esteem living an invisible, boring but pretty happy life because they have no ambitions whatsoever and therefore never fail or experience rejection. If I had adequate self-esteem, I would've accepted that it's impossible for me to have any romantic relationships and I wouldn't even want to have a family (as far as I understood what she was telling me).

[Mendingmysoul]

High self esteem may lead oneself to put themselves on a high pedestal. May lead to a thought process of I am perfect ,everyone is to blame but not me ,I can't make mistakes because I am so above all and know it all...kind of thinking.If high self esteem leads to God complex, then it can be a problem.I think you should pay attention to your thoughts and actions and where the self esteem becomes a problem.Or else it is good to have.

[Rincewind]

So, it the end I think it's a very risky train of thought that has led me today to attempt self-harm after 7 years of resistance. And now I feel absolutely awful. Don't go there(

[Gavreel]

Its really funny now that you mentioned this, not long ago i was on a dating website and got chatting to this guy. It got off to a nice start, really nice and charming then he got talking to me about his personal life and how his wife left him for another man and how she blamed him for the affairs.

I wanted to dig deeper in to this because i felt there was a lot more to what he was telling me. I knew there was something off just couldn't put my finger on it. A few days in to this deep conversation, i noticed he was talking a lot about himself ( like a bit too much) he kept sending me pictures expecting me to praise him then pictures of himself in the gym telling me about how he lost so much weight and how he could lift big heavy weights even sending me his latest updates on his fitbit tracker ( but he still looked extremely over weight) it got to a point when it actually got extremely frustrating and this wasn't because of the way that he looked but because he sounded very self absorbed and in to himself.

I think there's healthy self esteem and there is unhealthy esteem where people just have an instant dislike to you, this is where we need to start looking inside ourselves and do some introspection work.

[DebbieBennett]

I think self-esteem is a good thing, it's worse when you don't have it, but I think there should be a limit to everything.
I believe that every person should have self-esteem, value themselves, respect, love.

[mote.of.soul]

Personalty I don't think high (or good) self esteem/self worth is a bad thing because it indicates self respect. If a person is feeling hurt due to sensitivity then it just means they feel things deeply, that's it. So, depending on how or in what spirit the mental health person said to 'lower' the self esteem (it could've been as an attempt at humor, I don't know) then it's really not good advice. It sounds like a kind of lazy attempt at a solution.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Rincewind

So, it the end I think it's a very risky train of thought that has led me today to attempt self-harm after 7 years of resistance. And now I feel absolutely awful. Don't go there(

It sounds like your communication with your therapist led to you feeling really bad. I suggest, if you see them again, to discuss this with them, clarify what they meant and how it made you feel.

I had a really difficult journey through different therapists, with some of them saying things to me that were very upsetting and I turned it in on myself, too. A therapist is not supposed to say harsh, hurtful things. They are supposed to, well… be therapeutic. I don’t know why a few of them said some really awful, triggering things to me.

One actually said to me, “You probably never would have been happy with anybody.” This got under my skin so badly, I am still reeling about it years later! I have since learned a lot about what therapists are supposed to do, and there really was no good reason for them to have done that to me. It was triggering and dangerous to me.

So be careful of seeing the wrong therapists, and keep looking for a good one. No matter what issue you are dealing with, there is hope for you, and there is no shame in needing support.

[Rincewind]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It sounds like your communication with your therapist led to you feeling really bad. I suggest, if you see them again, to discuss this with them, clarify what they meant and how it made you feel.

I had a really difficult journey through different therapists, with some of them saying things to me that were very upsetting and I turned it in on myself, too. A therapist is not supposed to say harsh, hurtful things. They are supposed to, well… be therapeutic. I don’t know why a few of them said some really awful, triggering things to me.

One actually said to me, “You probably never would have been happy with anybody.” This got under my skin so badly, I am still reeling about it years later! I have since learned a lot about what therapists are supposed to do, and there really was no good reason for them to have done that to me. It was triggering and dangerous to me.

So be careful of seeing the wrong therapists, and keep looking for a good one. No matter what issue you are dealing with, there is hope for you, and there is no shame in needing support.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with your therapist. I haven't seen that particular therapist in almost 2 years since she kicked me out after telling that nobody will ever love me because I'm too ugly and too short. Found another therapist and I couldn't even imagine that therapeutic relationships could be so easy!

I now think that it's more productive on combating one's arrogance, vanity, and even egoism. Because those words have a very specific meaning and it's easier to see whether you're being an insufferable asshole. But if you focus on lowering the self esteem, how low do you need to go? There's no answer there, except for "lower".