[Learning_To_Love_Me]

In my previous post "Am I Overreacting?" I lied about 1 fact because I was so embarrassed. I said that I had been asleep when this thing happened when in fact James told me that he did not know if I was asleep or awake. I felt that if I said I was definitely asleep that it would not seem as if I was such a *****. I am sorry that I lied please forgive me!!! I think I also wanted to believe that I was definitely asleep when it happened because then I definitely was not naked at the time. Please do not be angry with me for lying!!!

Vanessa

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Learning_To_Love_Me

In my previous post "Am I Overreacting?" I lied about 1 fact because I was so embarrassed. I said that I had been asleep when this thing happened when in fact James told me that he did not know if I was asleep or awake. I felt that if I said I was definitely asleep that it would not seem as if I was such a *****. I am sorry that I lied please forgive me!!! I think I also wanted to believe that I was definitely asleep when it happened because then I definitely was not naked at the time. Please do not be angry with me for lying!!!

Vanessa

There is no need to apologize. (((( HUGS )))) I know it's so hard....we understand.

[pachyderm]

(((((Learning)))))

[Elysium]

Learning....It's okay. There's no need for apologies. Talking about this stuff can be very difficult and even though none of our abuse is our faults, we can still feel shame and embarrassment. This is a normal response to distressing feelings.

The important thing is to do your best to be honest with yourself right now so you can work towards healing. But this is definitely easier said than done.

You have my support!!

Take care!!

[Starbuck1128]

Oh, don't be upset. I've done/bee through something similar...and it didn't feel good...certainly not getting abused by him against my conscious will but worse was telling everyone I was passed out. Big Secret I've never shared. Confession is good for the soul. And this is a safe place.
Sorry this happened to you, sister

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Vanessa)))))))))))))))

No need to apologize. I like your username - I hope to also one day "learn to love me".

It's natural to withhold information about bad things that have happened to us, as it is also natural and normal to lie about some things as well. It takes a LOT to get used to things that have happened to us in the past, and we're all prone to some form of withholding information or misleading information about abuse stuff. You're okay. Breathe. I know it's scary having to deal with abuse history stuff, and it's especially hard to deal with the "truth" about stuff.

But it was, and is, never ever ever going to be your fault. No matter what you say.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Learning_To_Love_Me

I said that I had been asleep when this thing happened when in fact James told me that he did not know if I was asleep or awake. I felt that if I said I was definitely asleep that it would not seem as if I was such a *****.

I am guilty of these distortions too. IDK, it is so hard sometimes to write or talk about this stuff that leaving out details or altering them just happens. I know how you likely feel about it after you realize what you did...because I beat myself up a lot for doing the same thing. I think...WE impose far greater punishment on ourselves than we deserve. Also, at least in my case, when I am beating myself up about distorting a memory or conversation I assume that no one else EVER does such a thing. This is totally false. Next time you listen to a friend tell there story about something, listen closely you will likely here how they have twisted the truth too. In the "waking the tiger" book I read recently the author actually seems to suggest that these "distortions" are actually part of our natural healing process. For those who've also read this book, please correct me if my interpretation is incorrect. Levine seems to indicate that our mind uses our imagination and other memory fragments to create a healing vortex and to reneigociate (sorry, can't spell today) the trauma so we can complete the cycle, learn from it and move on.

I think it would be good for you to really look at why saying you were asleep at the time made you feel better about what happened? How does being awake and being watched make you more of a *****? If you really think hard is it that you feel that since you knew this boy was wandering the halls looking to enhance his pocket-pool with some visual input that you should have been much more protective of your privacy? Do you think being awake makes you guilty of providing what he wanted? How about a worst case scenario.(I AM NOT IN ANY WAY SUGGESTING THAT THIS MAY BE TRUE). Since it happened a long time ago and your brain is searching for a reason why it is bothering you so much maybe it constructes the following from the fragments you have: You knew this boy had the hots for you. The evil side of you kind of like that because it made you feel attractive and worth something. So your brain suggests that not only were you awake at the time you were aware that the boy was watching you. Now when your brain considers this...you feel like a dirty ***** who was using her body to seduce this boy.

All I am trying to say here is... Our brain distorts the truth for many reasons. Sometimes the distortion is necessary and beneficial for us to begin to communicate about yucky intolerable things. OTHER times the distortions as done to hurt or derail our progress. I would look at what your abuse parasite hoped to achieve by distorting how you retold this evet.

I need to do this with a distortion I noted this week.

[Mouse_]

I've lied in the past, to myself. I "feigned" sleep whilst the "act" took place. I was young, 21 at the time. This wasn't my first encounter with "acts", they've been in my life since childhood. Perhaps because of this reason I seemed to just "lie back" kind of thing because it wasn't anything new, my life without abuse didn't exist.

By the time this "act" took place, I think I was just trying to get love from wherever, whom ever, and I had learnt to "go away" in my mind and replace the "act" with "fantasy".

I can say now that in hindsight, there was no other way for me to be. I didn't have the strenght to say "NO!", I'd not learnt that. Today though I am not that person. My life is different, I dont think back to these times much now, just when I saw your title it stirred something in me, a memory.

Dont beat yourself up, I think a lot more people have had this sort of experience then we know. Its not evil or wicked or anthing like that, its doing the best we can with what we've got, and as Maya Angelou says, "we do better when we know better", I'm sorry you have had to experience this also.

[Mouse_]

OH and when the past did bother me a lot, I came across this poem and it always eased the pain and the maddness.

Try To Praise The Mutilated World

Try to praise the mutilated world.
Remember June's long days,
and wild strawberries, drops of wine, the dew.
The nettles that methodically overgrow
the abandoned homesteads of exiles.
You must praise the mutilated world.
You watched the stylish yachts and ships;
one of them had a long trip ahead of it,
while salty oblivion awaited others.
You've seen the refugees heading nowhere,
you've heard the executioners sing joyfully.
You should praise the mutilated world.
Remember the moments when we were together
in a white room and the curtain fluttered.
Return in thought to the concert where music flared.
You gathered acorns in the park in autumn
and leaves eddied over the earth's scars.
Praise the mutilated world
and the grey feather a thrush lost,
and the gentle light that strays and vanishes
and returns.



Adam Zagajewski

[shezbut]

Vanessa,

It's okay ~ there is no need to apologize. While your emotional side imposes shame for repressing the memory of being somewhat aware during the SA, you can rest assured that we can understand. (((hugs)))

Shez