Bathroom

I have been physically and emotionally abused twice in a bathroom by my dad who has thankfully passed on.

When I was about 4 years old I had soiled my underwear and my dad found out about it. He held one of my wrists tightly and took me to the bathroom. The lights weren't on in the bathroom. He got me to go into the bath tub and sit there while he yelled at me. He yelled at me and said "you have to stay here till you know how to behave better". Then he walked out and closed the door. I don't know how long I sat in the bath tub for but I remember feeling confused and didn't know what I had done wrong. I eventually walked out of the bathroom by myself. After this event I would wait every morning and look out the window near my bedroom to see that he had left for work before I would come downstairs.

The second time was when I was about 12 years old. My dad was an alcoholic and he was passed out on the floor. I poured out his bottle of booze. When he woke up he chased me upstairs and tried to pull me down the stairs. He didn't succeed in doing so. I ran to the bathroom and tried to lock the door so he couldn't get to me. He managed to get into the bathroom before I could lock the door. He yelled at me to never do that again! Then he pulled my hair out, punched me as hard as he could in the mouth, then forceably pushed my face down the tiolet bowl, and then I was scared for my life and then I turned around and faced him and kicked him as hard as I could and he fell back into the bath tub breaking a mirror. My mom came rushing into the bathroom and told me in explicit language to get off of me. Then we later went to a hotel to spend the night for safety. My mom later told me that he had a gun beside his nightstand and was planning on blowing his brains out because he couldn't stand what he had just did to me. My mom said she took the gun away from him. I have a permant (excuse my spelling) reminder of this event. I have a calcified nerve in one of my front top teeth. Essentially, the tooth is broken and the nerves and blood vessels are dead.

Today, I don't like being in the washroom/bathroom for any length of time. I just go in there to wash myself and get out. I am not one of those ppl that love long warm bubble baths with candles. I have a shower only. I have to force myself every day to have a shower.

_______________________

When will I get over the PTSD of these events and relax enough to not have to force myself to have a shower everyday?

(((((Zen)))))
I am so sorry this happened to you.

(((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))

oh my dear zenerooni

my heart aches for you sweet heart.. the you then, and the you now. You are very brave to have said it all so openly.

many blessings.. much peace... much love

LiRhi

Thank you Zen for sharing.

Hi Zen, I would suggest working through these incidents in therapy.

I'm a mom ,so it makes my heartache to know you went through this. He was a sick man and no child should be treated like this. I'll pray that you'll find peace very soon.
Zen

Zen, your post truly touched me. I have one event in a bathroom and some other similar events to you and I can only say that I empathize completely with you and that I am so sorry that you had to endure what you did at such a young age.

You are very brave to talk about it so openly and honestly. I admire you.

Thank-you to all of you for your support and kind words! I greatly appreciate them all!

I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand your reluctance to be in bathrooms now. Of course they are scary, scary things happened to you in them.

I was chased into bathrooms, too; doors kicked in, and then hit and threatened. I don't really like being in bathrooms with the door closed now. Good thing I live alone! It also helps that my house now doesn't have any bathrooms with the same layout as the house where this happened.

You are not alone.

Zen your post made me think. A month ago after spending a much needed 2 hours fully cleaning my bathroom that has a tub I got the brillant idea of taking a bath. We've lived in our house now for over 12 years and I can't remember ever having the urge to take a soak in the bathtub. But that day I said, its sparkling clean, the thought crossed my mind, what the heck. So I close the door and prepare the bath. The door doesn't lock but in our house its a common sense house rule that when bathroom doors are shut, the person in there wants privacy. Well, don't ya know just as I am getting in H abruptly opens in the door just curious I guess. As I am peeling my naked self off the ceiling he says.."Oh, your taking a bath?" and closes the door. ?#?!@
Well after that I managed to get myself to sit in the tub for at the most 2 minutes then I couldn't stand it anymore and just got dried and dressed.

I know that H's intrusion triggered my discomfort/fear of exposure and my dislike of just sitting or lying naked sealed the coffin on bathtime being a pleasurable experience for me. However this post makes me considered how other childhood experiences have also affected my view of the bathroom.

My dad also an alcoholic would get really angry with me also. When I was little and horsing around at the dinner table I would often spill stuff or make a mess of my place setting. A few times my dad totally losted it, janked me out of of my chair, gave me a crack on the backside, and deposit me in the bathtub saying,"This is where you eat from now on!" I only remember him actually carrying out his threat maybe twice, but it was enough to make his repeated threats of bathtub dinning a real possiblity. Later as adults around the dinner table it was a common family joke. When stuff got spilled at the table... "AH, off to the bathtub with ya!" It was funny...but then not really.

IDK...I think it is amazing how our perspectives, feelings, and use of a room can be so influenced by seemingly little things like a moment of uncontrolled rage or unchecked curiousity.

To a child even a moment of uncontrolled rage can feel like a death threat or like something horrid is about to happen. I speak from experience.

Until I was around 9 or 10 I loved to squirt joy dish soap into the tub and make bubbles and play until the water got cold. Suddenly, I don't know why I stopped and never took another tub bath for 17 years. In the last 46 years I've had tub baths less than 5 times. I know there was a lot of various kinds of abuse that happened in my home but I blocked the memory that stole tub bathing from me and I can thank watching Psycho at age 14 for finding bathing a difficult thing that I do not ever enjoy. I am saving a lot of water for the planet as I can bath thoroughly in under 7 minutes (I'm still making up for my two teen daughters who used to spend 20 minutes or more on each shower they took =)

I still hope someday to regain the joy of water. Even swimming is not ok since an abuser held me under water at times to break my will.

Sorry if this was dismal, I hate that you lost the joy of water too and so many of us did when we were not safe in our own homes. It stinks!

This story is so sad. Even though your an adult now this story brings tears to my eyes. How could anyone ever hurt a child this way.