Is this weird?

I started thinking about things I haven't thought about in a while. I'm using the trigger icon, because I'm not sure if this is considered sexually abusive or not.

I was writing my husband a letter. He was also sexually assaulted when he was a child, and he wrote to me the whole story in detail years ago. He asked me then if I would tell him the stories about when I was abused. I could never really tell him, because I only really have pieces of the stories. Anyway, I didn't want to talk about it. Whenever I do, I panic, and if I was going to tell him, I wanted him to be there with me. Still I did tell him a few things that weren't too scary to talk about.

Well, starting to talk to my father and his family again after 8 years brought back a lot of suppressed memories, a lot of anger, and a lot of fear, during this 1 1/2 year time span. When I was just writing my husband I was starting to tell him somethings I thought were weird.

I always thought my grandmother (my father's mother) was a little weird. She believes males are far superior to females, and so she spoiled my male cousins, and didn't care much for me, my sister, and my female cousin. I have three male cousins on my father's side, they are now 15, 14, and 6. She would watch my male cousins at the drop of a hat on a daily basis if necessary. However, with me and my sister, my mother was told she needed to know a month in advance, and she could only watch one of us at a time, if at all. If it was an emergency, it wasn't going to happen.

Well, what I was telling my husband was that I remembered my grandmother gave me and my sister this "etiquette" class. We must have been at least 8 and 10. We may have been older. Well, I would think that etiquette would just be about placing dishes and silverware, eating politely, standing up straight, etc. That's what it was when my mother was there, but when she left us there to stay the night, it was a different kind of "etiquette". Well first she put us in the bath tub individually. I felt very exposed and did not want my grandmother to see me naked. I know we were taking showers at age. She took a rag and washed us in a certain way in order, starting with our faces and on down. This was the "proper" way to wash yourself. Then, she let us try. Afterward, she weighed us. Then she took us to the kitchen and took our measurements. I remember she measured our breasts, so I know I had to at least been 8 or 9. She took all of our measurements, not because she was having dresses made for us, but for her own personal record. She said she wanted to do it again later so she could keep track of how we grew.

It doesn't make any sense to me why she would have done all that. Also, when I went to clean her house when I was pregnant, when I was 20, she wanted me to lay down in bed with her. Then, she also grabbed my chest a couple times. Later that day, she rubbed on my legs and slapped my behind. I was very disturbed by that. I know that she was sexually abused as a child and my father also sexually abused me. I know it usually goes back generations, and I wonder if she sexually abused my father. He does tell her far too many details about his love life, which I find rather odd.

Now, she wants to watch my son. She begs me to let her whenever I see her. I think she's weird, and I'm extremely afraid she would touch my son or physically abuse him. I don't really trust anyone with my son, so much that I can't work because of the intense fear he would be hurt by someone else. I don't even let someone watch him for a second so that I can take care of myself. Well, if I were to let someone watch him, she would be one of the last.

Well, I just want to know, would what my grandmother did to me and my sister be considered sexual abuse, or any other kind of abuse?

(((((AShadow)))))

These experiences sound all to scary for young girls. They do sound weird...and just reading what you wrote gave me the creeps.

As far as whether this is sexual abuse, there is overt SA, and then there is covert SA. Overt SA is when someone touches you in intimate places, molests/sexually assaults you. Covert SA is a non-physical form of SA. This sounds like what your Grandmother was doing. There is an article in the sticky section of this forum that can give you more information about it. I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. An important thing to remember is that no matter what anybody calls it, these actions your Grandmother took made you extremely uncomfortable and violated you in a way that no child should be violated.

I have seen the type of behavior you speak of, in regards to your Grandmother's favoritism for the boys. My Mother's Mother was the same way with her kids and her Grandkids.

I don't want to make any assumptions or allegations against your Grandmother, but PLEASE DON'T let her watch your Son. She has some issues and if she favors boys there is no telling what type of "etiquette" classes she has given to them. It is quite possible that your Grandmother may have an affinity for males, while chastising and demeaning females.

My suggestion....keep your children away from her. If your Son is going to be around her, make sure you are there with him and watch your Grandmother like a hawk.

Thank you so much for responding, I was so confused about this. I will look at the article to learn more about it. And I will definitely never let her watch my son!

I believe my father also sexually abused me in both ways that you described. I mean I know what he did, he did touch me. It's the other things that also made me uncomfortable that I didn't know what it would have been called.

I just read the list of things that are a few situations that are considered covert SA. I do believe this was covert SA. Things that happened in this situation were on there, and amazing, even things I didn't say were on there. Thank you so much for your insight.

((( ashadow ))) I totally agree with NOT allowing her to watch your son without you being there to monitor.

I hate abusers.

(((((AShadow)))))

It's difficult to acknowledge that these things happen in our families and have happened to us personally. I'm sorry that you found validation in that article, but at the same time...I'm not because now you are more aware of where you've been and what you've survived. Validation is kind of a double-edged sword.

Just know that we are here to support you. And if you ever need to talk, you can PM me or I'd be happy to chat.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that at the hands of your grandmother. I agree with wpowers, make any excuse you can so that your son is not left alone with her.