[confused1234]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post ever, and I dont know I guess I am just looking for some advice...I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. We were best friends for about six months before we decided to become a couple.

I guess things have always been rocky just because we fight all the time and argue and its usually him that does all the yelling and actual fighting. There was never any physical abuse but he would always say nasty and hurtful and mean things when we did fight. Once, he did reaise his hand but never actually ever did anything physical to me.

He would constantly hang up on me when he got angry (this is a semi long distance relationship)...and he would always leave and go back home if I ever got upset and cried or anything. If everything wasant the way he wanted and wished, things were not ok and that would turn into a big argument and fight. Also, I tried several times in the past to tell him that his behavior bothered me and that he was very mean and hurtful to me and that it wasant right for him to treat me that way.

Things went on and now I just got fed up with everything and wanted to break up with him. As soon as I told him, he did a complete 180. He has been crying on hte phone and non stop emails about how he has completely changed now and that he cannot live without me and all this stuff. I am totally confused.

I feel like I was emotionally abused for the time that we were in the relationship. He never paid any attention to how much he was hurting me or anything, and now that he feels pains he wants me to believe that he has completely changed. Is it possible that he has changed? SHould I give him this one last chance that he is asking for? Or is it just a vicious cycle and I should get out now? I just owrry that I wotn find anyone like him again...I wont find a family like his again. I am just so lost...I dont kow what to do! Please help me! Thank you very much.

Confused....

[Miss_A]

So you should be confused. You told him how you feel about his behavour and he didn't listen. Then you said the three words "It is over!" Something like If you don't change I'll dumb you. The thing is love is not saying stuff mean to one another. I do believe you when you don't normally start the fights. But he shouldn't leave you if you start crying. If he cried that you might dumb him then maybe he knows and should get something like angermagerment or relationship conselling if he said he's going to change, he can't do it on his own? Please don't let his words stop you. He said he will change that's it. If he says anything mean and hurtful and actually meant it, thats it you know where you stand! semi long distance relationship are hard all relationships are you've both got to work with eachother to make it better. Right at the moment you are in the persistion lucky that what you say goes! But for how long? Think of getting pofessonal relationships surport. He nearly came close to hitting you and that is a sign that he maybe can't control his anger or temper. Don't stay behind close doors make a run for it if anything else happens that is bad! Safe hug... {{{{{{confused1234}}}}}}

Hi confused1234,

Instead of giving him one last chance why not give yourself the opportunity of learning more about what your needs are, how to rightfully ask for and protect them, and how to navigate what you want out of a relationship?

You are worth being treated well and not having mean nasty things said to you ever.....during an argument or not.

Raising one's hand, whether or not one intends to strike, is a dangerous sign of intimidation. Not a good thing.

I base the above on what you've written. I don't know any more about what is going on for you two than what you've shared. I'm guessing and inserting a little bit of what I've learned over fifteen years of watching women and men go through this dance of what constitutes abusive behaviour. My own ex wouldn' t harm a fly...........until they sucker punched me one day long after we had split. So that gentle soul who used words instead of violence decided one day to cross that line. The ppl who believed this person would never harm a living creature couldn't argue with my swollen face.

I worry that you would find someone like him again who doesn't care about your needs and is emotionally abusive and intimidiating. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, treats you kindly and NEVER EVER raises a hand at you "even if he would never follow through"!!

Have you ever talked with a counselor? Your clergy? A trusted friend? In almost every city across the States there is a hotline for domestic violence/women's crisis services. Although you are expressing you have not been abused physically what you have told us is of enough concern that I implore you to try calling one of these places to get feedback.

They're better trained to help you judge IF your situation is one that could be helped by therapy by both parties or if this is the beginning of an abusive cycle and you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Keep writing and let us know what is going on.

[confused1234]

Hi all,

Let me start with saying one thing. I think it is an amazing thing that this site has been developed and wonderful people such as yourselves are there to offer your help and support to a complete stranger. The idea of it is truly amazing.

I am extremely thankful for all your advice. As far as leaving things out, I have to admit I have started a few arguments here and there, but none in the magnitude that he has, and even then, when I have started arguments, they always ended with him being nasty. Almost this attitude of no matter what I do or you do, its your fault and you're going to get the harsh end of it. So, in the end, its almost like I know what I need to do. I feel like if I stay in it, I am gambling with my life a lot more than I would be if I got out now. AFterall, if he disrespects me this much before marraige, then how is it going to be after? (We were planning on getting married sometime next year)...

Its finding the strength to say that its over and move on. I have been with him for a year and a half....and no matter how mean he was, I Did fall in love with him at one time. So, it is difficult to just stop answering his phone calls and emails. I have talked to all my close friends aobut this...they all seem to think exactly like you all do, get out now while I stil lhave time.

I guess I am trying to find one person to tell me that the decision I am is taking is wrong. And, I dont seem to be finding that person so I guess I am making the right decision. My parents were aginst this relationshiop from the beginning and jsut recently started to accept it since they thought they had no other choice. I feel strange saying it but I guess parents are always right. And like one of my friends said, "you are only 22. Dont put yourself in this kind of a situation now!" I guess I am too young to be dealing with all this now...

I might take you up on the idea of finding some professional help to deal with all this. I just hope that he is ok because I know he is going to be heartbroken once I tell him...I will keep you all posted on what is happening! Again, thank you so much for the help and advice.