Telling ?

I often wonder what would happen if my brothers n my dad knew about what has happened to me. It's also kind of embarrassing knowing that they'll know, and then maybe they'll see me differently, and I won't be one of them anymore.

How did you tell, if you have told ?

Dear DfendrOfEmilysHeart,

The reality is that you won’t know how they will react until their knowledge of this portion of your past becomes a reality. I think, though, the important thing in the present and in the afar-off present, should you decide to tell them, is how you do/will see yourself. Regardless of their reaction, finding inner kindness is the most important thing.

I hope you are able to make peace with your “wondering.”

Peace

Have you talked to a therapist about what happened, Bry?

Yes but my mum, who does know, has made it seem like I should keep it quiet because this guy was younger than me and was just learning about himself. Besides, I didn't say no when I should have done. And then when I did say no to him, I was too weak to resist when he insisted and settled for a quiet life, rather than not doing what I knew was wrong.

My mom knows, she knew pretty much right after it happened because I told her and I was crying. She hug me and said it would be ok.

Bry, your Mom has your ideas, but it is you talking to the therapist and having to deal with this. If what happened is affecting your life, it is something you and the therapist need to sort out and get in order.

Good luck.

I told my AODA counselor and the therapist I was seeing at the time (who work at the same place). I actually was in a mental hospital for kids and teens at the time, because the PTSD and depression were getting so overwhelming that I was suicidal. I met my best friend there; we are "story twins" because the same thing happened to her as to me, though by different people and at different ages (this of course means we are closer than sisters could ever be--it's an amazing bond). Her family knew about her abuse, and she urged me to tell about mine. It was very hard even to tell them as much as I did, and all I told them was that I'd been abused (in every way possible) by my brother from ages 7 to 9. At first, they said they wouldn't tell my parents; the next time I saw them, a week later, they'd talked to the people in charge and said they were required to report it, at least to my parents (I was 15 at the time). I couldn't even be in the room when they told my parents. I'd been discharged from the hospital only days earlier but (of course) knowing that my parents would know this horrible, horrible secret of mine that I'd repressed for so long was too much to bear, and I became more suicidal than ever. I stayed at my aunt's that night, away from my brother, and was readmitted to the hospital the next day.

However, my parents took it better than I expected. They weren't mad; they were horrified that this had happened in their house, while they were away or sleeping. Though both of them have pretty serious emotional problems themselves, they've been mostly supportive (except that my mother occasionally tries to force me to give her the details, though I haven't even been able to tell my T or my story twin those things).

Like someone else said, you won't know their reactions until you actually tell them. Most likely, they won't react nearly as bad as you expect them to. It depends on your relationship with them.

(Sorry this was so long)

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if I will be telling my dad n brothers.

You have every right to change your mind, a thousand and more times.

Me? I haven't told any of my family about what the stepdad did to me. Never will, at least I've said that - well, until he's dead, I'm not going to say anything. I've made some peace with that decision, it's for my own sanity. But your situation sounds different, since it's a person outside your immediate family?

You can do what you want, but talk to your T about it first because it's easier to figure out what to say before just blurting things out (which I've done far too many times to count, always with bad results.)

Your mum is not in control of your decisions, you are.

Just because a guy is younger doesn't mean he's less responsible. You didn't say no because you were scared or uncomfortable or anything like that - not your fault. If you did say no to him eventually and he STILL insisted, that is HIS FAULT. Not yours.

I have told numerous people in my life about my abuse. I was scared at 1st, but the way I see it, I'm not the one that has to hang my head down, it wasn't my fault, I didn't deserve what I got, and the blame goes on the attacker, not the victim.

Be strong, and keep your head up, you're better than the one who had power over you, you are stronger...

Ok sorry for the long wait before I replied. I still haven't told my dad n brothers and probs never will.

Deep down I know it's not my fault but what I did is still embarassing

Hmmmm, your mum wants to keep it a secret???? Secrets are never good. You didn't do anything wrong here. He was wrong to insist against your wishes.

Dad knows..... We had a big fight, things were said, and..... I shouted it out. How can I face him now? I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

I am sorry about the fight and that you are so scared now. Are you seeing a T that maybe you could call? Of course you can say more here about what happened and about your feelings, and maybe mention things that you might do, possible plans.

He's not mentioned it. There's a chance he didn't hear me. I hope.....

I have a counseller, but she's just at college. And the message would not just go to her, I don't think.

Well, then can you leave a message for your councelor to call you because you need to talk ASAP? That way you will get a chance to discuss it in private with her.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that you must have needed to let it out if it came out. It may take time, if your father heard it, for it to sink in and him to give it more thought. He may not know what to say and decide to keep quiet. Or he may approach you at some point to ask you if it is true. You know your father more than we do. You have to decide what you will say if he asks you if you meant what you said. It is up to you if your ready to talk about it or not with him.

Open Eyes

It wasn't the secret I blurted out... it was a joke my mother made about it years after, but the...yeah. If he heard, he's probably guessed. I hope he didn't.

Keeping secrets will make you physically as well as emotionally ill.

Well depending on how it came out, your father may not put it together. People's minds don't just go in the direction of certain kinds of abuse. Often one has to say it out right. So, all I can say at this point is to see if your father puts it together.
It sounds like you are almost wanting him to know for a release.

Open Eyes

What bad things do you anticipate happening if your father knew?

Him telling my brothers, and them all treating it as a joke.

It sounds like you need some one to help guide you through this. Ask for help from someone trustworthy.

Has your dad done this before? (Told your brothers).

it has been my particular experience that you should never tell someone because you are expecting a particular response: if you are expecting they will hunt someone down, defend you, testify in court for you, feel guilty, feel angry, feel sad....then you are not ready to tell them.
if you want to tell someone because you want to give them the chance to understand you, to know you better, to give them the chance to feel closer to you....then you should.
i don't know that it will work for you, but that' been my personal experience.