[whoswho]

For the most part, I still struggle to accept abuse that happened in the past... But what I have noticed is that, as my brother got his life together and began to find success, I became more resentful towards him. I would say that I am more afraid and more angry at him now than I was when he was abusive towards me... When he was a failure, I could hold myself together pretty well. Now I'm the "bad guy." Now I find myself denying everything when, before, I just wanted someone to believe me. Now I hate myself because I can't just be happy for him like the rest of my family... My family just tells me that I'm overreacting, and for once I'm actually starting to believe them...

Any suggestions? I hate being stuck between trying to reconnect with him and abhorring him... I just wish none of this ever happened.

[NuckingFutz]

You have your own mind and your own feelings. I say if you want to not have anything to do with him, you have that right. Now getting yourself to believe this, that is the hard part. But we will be with you through that hard part.

[whoswho]

Thanks NF. Honestly, I don't really want anything to do with him. However, he lives 15 minutes away and comes over all the time and will even spend the night at my house (I'm a minor living with her parents still). He also calls my phone frequently. I'm forced into contact with him because of my parents, mostly. Hopefully I can move out this summer... maybe this won't be such a big deal if I can actually get away from him.

I just don't know if I should be mad at him still, or just be mad at myself for being mad at him...? He claims that he's "found religion" which I am extremely skeptical about, but he does act better. He's not violent any more as far as I can tell. Part of me still wants to see him suffer, though. And then I feel bad for wanting my brother to suffer... How sick is that?

Hello, whoswho. Do your parents know what your brother did?

My thought is you need professional help. A therapist can help you come to grips with the emotions you are feeling. I think his being around you so much is not helping one bit. Take care of yourself. Work through the toxic feelings. Before your brother and parents can expect you to simply close your mind to what happened you have to come to terms with it in a healthy manner.

Good luck.

[whoswho]

Yes, my parents know what my brother did. This has been going on for several years. They just don't care. What's a problem to me does not appear to be a problem to them. My opinions on the matter are entirely negligible.

I feel as though I might be at that point where I'm ready to admit that I need help; however, it seems like getting help is not really possible for me at this time. My high school is located in a rural area and does not even employ a counselor (I asked). What I really need is a "band-aid" to get me though the next couple of months without landing in the psychiatric ward. I just want to graduate high school and be able to move out for college. That way, I could have access to some counseling and would be removed from this situation. But all these feelings are getting in the way and it's making school intolerable. I keep worrying that I might not graduate if I don't get my act together...

Maybe try here and see if something can be worked out to get you some help:

http://healthandwelfare.idaho.gov/Me...3/Default.aspx

[Sannah]

Who, I can understand how you might feel having your feelings invalidated like that. I wonder if your parents had the same things happen to them and they just had to "get over it" and this is why they want you to do the same. You have every right to every feeling that you have about your brother, your parents and this situation. Very good that you have plans to get away!!! You can have loads of support from us here...........

How are you doing, whoswho?

[whoswho]

I am doing all right. Thanks for asking, TheByz. I meant to look into some counseling with the information you provided, but instead ended up confiding with a teacher at school last Wednesday much to my chagrin. The only real thing I mentioned to her was my depression. She asked if I would be willing to use help and I told her yes. However, that was the last day before spring break, so two weeks will pass until I can see her again and by that time I bet she will have forgotten everything...

Now my mom is in the hospital, which basically equates to me having to see my brother on a daily basis instead of a weekly one. I must sit next to him in the back seat of the sedan and let him put his arm around me. There's no right for me to complain about anything if my mom is in the hospital, is there? Instead, I'll stare out the window and wish I was somewhere, or someone, else. Getting out of the house will be exponentially more difficult if both of my parents are now disabled... I want to just push all these negative feelings into the pit of my stomach and ignore them again, but what will that accomplish? I am worried that there will never be a way out of this.

[Sannah]

Please make contact with that teacher after spring break, okay? I'm very glad that you talked her. Good work..........

http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/#effects

[Bill3]

I must sit next to him in the back seat of the sedan and let him put his arm around me.

I'm really sorry that you have had to deal with that. I would guess that you feel an intense revulsion, perhaps sick to your stomach.

What would happen if you told him to keep his arm to himself? Could you sit in the front?

There's no right for me to complain about anything if my mom is in the hospital, is there?

Yes, there is.

The fact that a family member is ill does not grant other family members carte blanche to act however they wish.

I can understand that some small problems could be overlooked at a time of crisis. Would you say, though, that having your abuser's unwelcome arm around you feels like a "small problem"?

[whoswho]

Thanks again, everyone. I will try to touch bases with my teacher after spring break, although I'm not really sure what she will do for me...

Bill3:

What would happen if you told him to keep his arm to himself? Could you sit in the front?

I was sitting in the front for this reason! But when we went to pick him up, I was forced to trade places and sit in the back. When I bring up discomfort when he is acting "friendly," I find that it often just exacerbates the situation, i.e., he makes a scene, calls me out on being "standoffish," etc. Acting like the annoying brother he's always been, he'll be sure to continue doing what he can to annoy and/or make me feel uncomfortable. Although, had he not acted so inappropriately in the past, simply sitting next to him probably wouldn't be so upsetting...

[AShadow721]

Maybe you're even more angry, because your family is proud and happy for him, when they shouldn't be, because he hurt you.

[Bill3]

When I bring up discomfort when he is acting "friendly," I find that it often just exacerbates the situation, i.e., he makes a scene, calls me out on being "standoffish," etc.

He is using emotional blackmail.

You can stick to "No." "Keep your hands to yourself".

It doesn't matter if he has his little hissy fit and makes a scene. You are still entitled to stick to your guns.

You are entitled to decide who touches you, who puts his arm around you.