[AtreyuFreak]

Why is it that rape is worse than incest? How come a one-time incident (for most) is worse than the repeated abuse of trust and love that is incest?

Why is it that, when you tell a family member of a rape, they are filled with incessant rage and a need for justice; but when you tell them of incest, they minimize it, tell you you're lying, making it up, or exaggerating what was probably just "childish experimentation"?

Why do they protect you at all costs from strangers, especially the ones who've hurt you, but insist on allowing your abuser into your life, your home, your mind, your sanity?

Why do they assume that random rapists are purely evil but a perpetrator of incest is simply misguided, when it can so easily be the other way around? Why is it that they seek punishment for the rapists, but help for the incestuous?

Aren't we, as the victims, the ones who should be getting help? Who deserve help, just for surviving? If so, then why is it that, instead of help, we're subjected to torture?

---------------FOLLOWING CONTENT MAY BE TRIGGERING---------------



There is nothing in this world that I despise more than my brother--being around him, thinking of him, knowing that he's alive and happy while I'm dissociative and miserable! He is the only person on the face of the earth that I could feasibly imagine myself murdering; and that's not such a far stretch of the imagination. When he's around, I'm automatically stuck in survival mode. Koda (our protective alter) comes out, and she is NOT one you want to f*** with. It's almost enticing, like she's waiting for him to pick a fight, like he always does, to give her a reason to hurt him, get him out of our lives forever so we can truly, finally be safe. Even when he's not around, the burden of his violence is so great...we worry incessantly about who his next victim may be (or how many other victims he's already had). We see it in his personality, in his eyes...We cannot be legally responsible for anyone else he hurts, yet we WILL be...how can we not warn people, tell them how much of a monster he is, that they should proceed at their own peril? I speak like Victor Frankenstein, lamenting upon the monster he created; yet his monster was born of his own doing, and was in truth docile in nature. Mine was born thus, and is not (and most likely has never been) docile in any form.

[lynn P.]

((Atreyufreak)) - although inadequate, all I can say is, so sorry you're suffering. All sexual assault cases are horrible and every case is unique and painful. I think most people think rape is when a stranger grabs someone and violently SA's them. It's easy to hate someone like that. I agree there is no difference between rape from a stranger and incest. Unfortunately with incest, family members are forced to be accountable for their loved ones and also admit where they made mistakes by not protecting their child. As a parent I'm responsible for my child's safety. A parent would need to admit they failed in keeping their child safe.

If I had a son or if anyone in my family were to hurt my daughters, I would make them pay. I feel sorry your feelings weren't/aren't validated. If your family knows, why do they expect you to be around him?

There's a case in Michigan right now - where a father shot his teenage son because he discovered he raped his daughter. I don't advocate killing anyone, but I can understand his rage and I don't think it should be swept under the carpet. I blame the parents and the perpetrator. Children should be taught when they're young that you don't touch or let others touch their private parts. The mistake most parents make is only teaching about strangers and they blindly trust relatives and friends. I don't trust anyone with my girls. I also tell them if a nice relative or our nice neighbor or friends touches them - to be rude, loud and get away. Often the biggest threat is, that sly nice relative or friend who is clever, charming and manipulative.

You have a right to be angry and I hope you have told all your family members. I'm sorry you weren't protected as a child. I'll pray you'll be able to heal and be the person you're meant to be.

[AShadow721]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

Why is it that rape is worse than incest? How come a one-time incident (for most) is worse than the repeated abuse of trust and love that is incest?

Rape is NOT worse than repeated incest. However, it can be more violent. But, survivors of a one time incident are more likely to remember ever detail about it. When we go through repeated sexual abuse, we start to understand how to deal with it quickly, because we feel we have no other choice. So we sensitize ourselves to it, we numb ourselves, and disssociate, and don't want to believe it's happening, so it's harder to tell the story.

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

Why is it that, when you tell a family member of a rape, they are filled with incessant rage and a need for justice; but when you tell them of incest, they minimize it, tell you you're lying, making it up, or exaggerating what was probably just "childish experimentation"?

Why do they protect you at all costs from strangers, especially the ones who've hurt you, but insist on allowing your abuser into your life, your home, your mind, your sanity?

Why do they assume that random rapists are purely evil but a perpetrator of incest is simply misguided, when it can so easily be the other way around? Why is it that they seek punishment for the rapists, but help for the incestuous?

Family members don't want to believe the incest occurred. They WANT to believe it was a lie. They don't want to pursecute their loved one. They love the attacker so they want to believe he just made a mistake and he can be cured, etc.

For example, to explain this knowing someone vs. not knowing someone, my husband is in jail for burglary of my old friend's parent's apartment. Two of his friends were ther with him, they were witnessed by neighbors, and they're even on video tape. But my friend's parents decided to not persecute our other two friends. Why? because they knew them. They knew they were drug addicts and they made a big mistake. They gave them both a second chance. However, they didn't allow the one that planned the burglary and steal from me and my friend many times prior to the burglary in the home again. But they allowed the other friend that they liked better in the apt after the burglary. They favored him and didn't want to believe he was involved in any way. But they convicted my husband, because they didn't know him and they needed someone to persecute for the crime. They put all the blame on him. They believed he was the worst. They believed he was an evil person. All they could see was a criminal.

When the people don't know the person that committed the crime, they see them as a monster, a non-human. When they know and love the person, they can understand or at least want to understand that the person was at a bad time in their life and made a mistake. It's easier to forgive a person you know, than a complete stranger. This is their reasoning for this. But with incest, they also don't want to believe it. With sibling incest, the parents don't want to believe that they child would do such a thing. They raised this child, and they don't want to believe they raised him to be a molester.

The truth is that incestual abusers are molesters, rapists, or pediphiles that stay at home. They're no different or worse than then the ones that go outside the home to attack. On one point they can be worse (although a lot of outside the home attackers do this as well), because they have power and authority over the victim, they know she/he trusts him/her, and they use that to their advantage. They probably also know they're less likely to get caught. They usually choose one's that are less likely to speak up about it.

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

Aren't we, as the victims, the ones who should be getting help? Who deserve help, just for surviving? If so, then why is it that, instead of help, we're subjected to torture?

This is a good question. Although I don't really have an answer. We should be the one's getting help and not being tortured. it's our family that doesn't understand this. All I could say is talk to your family again. Get down and beg them on your hands and knees to not let yours abuser near you.

[googley]

I'm sorry that your experience is not being validated. Incest is just as bad as rape. I think as others have said people try to minimize it because they don't want to feel responsible. But your feelings are valid. Just like the feelings of any other victim/survivor.

[emilyjeanne]

I am an incest survivor and also a rape survivor. The two are both bad. But they screw you up in different ways. People who have not been thru them cannot even comprehend the difficulties.

[Evening]

No type of abuse is worse than any other, abuse is abuse, and the fact these people are downplaying what has happened is ridiculous, but unsurprising. It's what families do, trust me. It's not HIS fault of course. They make excuses, they stick by the guilty person because it's safer, it's all just cowardly. And the resentment can stick for an extremely long time. Sometimes the people who are meant to help you don't.
If they aren't listening, MAKE them listen, or find someone that will. Because they are only letting him get away with it. I really suggest you don't keep your mouth shut about it, because it can stick with you. I resent my family for taking the side of someone who beat me up when I was 15, I was treated like it was all my fault, and now it's an unspeakable thing in my family. Just excuses excuses excuses. God I hate them for it. What did I do wrong? How was it all my fault? Why is he allowed to get away with it but I say one word and I'm a terrible person?
Bare in mind that what happened to me was one incident, and it was 7 years ago, so it pales in comparison to what happened to you. But the resentment is still boiling inside of me. So I really suggest you do something, get out of there, do whatever you can. It's amazing the selfishness that can come out of people when someone needs help.

[AAAAA]

Well my opinion here might be triggering but I think that incest is far worse than any other type of sexual assault… no, I’ll say it, it’s worse than any other type of assault. Someone that commits incest not violates your body, but also your psyche in a way that a mere stranger could not. In “normal” circumstances this person would be a trusted individual, in the category of family. Family member - should be someone that treasures you, loves you unconditionally, stands beside you no matter what. Where can you ever find safety if those that were supposed to protect it, has violated it?

After being raped by a stranger or mere acquaintance, your first thought is “I just want to go home”. Home is safe. But if the person that molests you lives there, or comes over for weekends and holiday’s and mom and dad have no clue of the monster that lurks within. Where do you go to be safe?

My own personal opinion as to why other family members find it so hard to react the same to an incest situation and a stranger attack situation is that it’s hard to see that family member being capable of such horrible things. It’s so much easier to find “logical” excuses to white wash what happened because the reality is such a violation to so many people.

I’m not making excuses or rationalizations. We had our problems growing up, but I have no doubt in my mind that my parents loved me. My father was a police officer. He was trained to spot these signs. Yet he missed them in his own home. When a babysitter asked “why do you…” I made the mistake of answering her honestly. The babysitter had the absolute best intentions, she took what I said to the wife of the man that molested me.

If Jane Q Public would have come into my father’s office and given him the same information, he would have known without a doubt that there was molestation going on. But the fact that his daughter and his life-long best friend were involved somehow made this different, beyond the scope of reality.

I’ve been able to forgive them for not believing me. Not because several years later it he was caught molesting another girl, thereby proving my story true. But because I see now that it would have destroyed him to admit he brought someone into our home that hurt his children. He wasn’t denying me, he was denying himself.

I would like to thank you for this thread. This very second I realized something. At some level he did believe me. He stopped associating with this man immediately. Even if he couldn’t admit it even to himself at the time.

[WePow]

(((( Atreyu )))) I think the reason people act differently is because with rape, a family can join together and be angry together at someone outside the family unit.

With incest, the family is divided. It is devistation to the family unity on many levels. And many family members will deny or minimalize the truth in an effort to keep the trauma from destroying their own sense of safety. If they had to accept the truth, it would take away their pretend world of "everything at home is fine."

Hon - thanks a ton for asking this question. Typing out the answer I just gave you allowed me to just have a MAJOR breakthrough in my own trauma.

been through both many many times by different perpetrators
they are both horrid-stigmas attached to one or the other is%^&.

I don't care anymore about who thought what about it all-I know and God knows.

Theo

[pachyderm]

Incest is "different" because people think it is. No other reason.

[dfh932]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and you are continuing with such pain, AtreyuFreak. I think incest is no different...incest can hurt someone so, so deeply...and not only that...it really shakes their idea of reality...because we form reality and trust and identity early in life. Incest like what your brother did could make someone just have no faith in humanity at all. Stranger rape can certainly do that too...but when someone hurts you so profoundly and they are supposed to LOVE you and you are just part of them and they are your family, ugh.
I get so angry about incest because it can make people feel broken in their very core and not-fixable. It's one of the cruelest crimes I can imagine and it can really destroy a person's very spirit, hope and existence and make them empty and sad for their whole lives. Sometimes I think incest makes it impossible for the victim to ever be happy or ever ever let their guard down and feel real joy. It's a lifetime crime. I don't mean to be harsh but incest means the victim never has a safe place. there is no safety in the world for a victim of incest. Trying to imagine a 'safe place' to go in my head is a joke. There is no safety. it's all dark.
Sorry to be bleak. guess it was a little triggery.

[AtreyuFreak]

I just want to apologize to anyone this may have triggered. It was not meant that way; if anything, it was just to vent, or to share a different viewpoint.

[dfh932]

it's okay atreufreak. I was a little triggered but knew what i was getting myself into, based on the title of your post. no worries here.

[Julial]

Having been raped by a stranger(once) and by my brother numerous times from the age 8-12 yrs (he was 7 yrs older), I would have chosen the stranger rape over the incest race if I had to make a choice. My family betrayed me, did not protect me and blamed me in the long wrong by destroying the dynamics of family life. They wanted to know who the stranger was, so they could rightfully destroy or kill someone who dared violate one of their own. When it came to my brother, I was not believed, even when he finally admitted it later in life. He claimed he was trying to prove he was not gay and his wife insisted that I enticed him. After I was raped at the age of 6 yrs, my brother was the only one I told because I thought he would protect me. He told my parents and they supposedly went to find this man, who later turned out to be mentally handicapped and had been put into a home because he had done the same thing to another little girl. My parents never told me that I was safe from this man. My brother may have figured I was damaged goods and proceeded his abuse from there. At the age of 12, I was very naive and thought I could get pregnant ant threatened to tattle on him. From that point on, I was always fearful of him, but I loved him and wanted his protection. For myself, the rape I could understand better than I ever could for the continuous molestation and abuse from my beloved brother. I forgave my rapist because of his handicap but I still have a hard time forgiving my brother. I know that he has bi polar and he had rough childhood himself but I have always has a hard time with him knowing that I have always loved and adored him from the time I was a tiny little girl. My heart, my empathy, and my sympathy to you, AtreyuFreak.