[mytime]

ok so I have gone through most of this on my own. We have been to court numerous times, and have had a conviction presently working on convicting the other one. My close friends know, only cause I chose to let them in this year. (this happened in 98') Do I tell my family?? IF so how do you even bring something like this up. "oh by the way..." or "hey you know how i have been moody lately...." how do you even start this conversation, my family is not the most supportive at all, otr they would have figured out there was something up, you think. I don't know, what do you think???

[wisewoman]

Open up to the people who will love and support you. If you need to join a community of others with the same experience. Good luck.

mytime,

Have you discussed this with a therapist? I ask because I wonder what your expectations of your family's reaction are. I know that in my case I wish like hell that someone had known the horrors I endured but at that time it was not safe for me to tell.

Your situation is very different......you have been through the legal system. Good for you for seeing prosecution through! That is something to be very proud of as it is difficult and can take a huge toll on the survivor going through the legal battles.

I'm glad to hear you've let your close friends in on this. I hope you practice talking this out with them until you're comfortable telling what it is that you'd want to share with your family. Like rehearsing a script if you will.

I hope your family would be supportive and understanding after this much time. It can help to have printouts or book lists available if they are not as aware about emotional trauma and how it is just as serious as physical. I know that is a sticking point for many the visible physical wound versus the emotional scars that take much much longer to heal.

So.....talk to us here or your friends there or your therapist....but start talking out what your wants and needs are from this theoretical conversation with your family............then go from there.

[mytime]

my expectation? I don't know, when I was still seeing my therapist she stressed the need to open up to those around me, but after so long Idon't know how. And after the reaction Iget from my friends I am not sure I can. I do need to talk this out finally. It has been bottled up and not dealt with for so long. But after I told my friends they were so, taken back i guess is the phrase. they supported me, but don't see why I still need to talk about it. I bring it up they change the subject. Or try to make light of it. I am really proud of how far I have come, but I need to go further and I don't know where that is. I have gone form a self hating self abusive person with no worth , I used my body to feel self worth. To now I am a single mom of 2 beautiful girls, whom I am teaching to respect themselves and others. I have a steady full time job and 2 part time one, and am going to school. I am not back on the dating scene yet because I haven't found anyone good enough for myself or my girls.. I think that is a pretty big leap from where I started. And I think I just want recognition for what I have gone through but since accomplished. My family is pretty hard on some of the choices I have made but maybe if they saw the whole picture it might be different. Basically I need reassurance that I am doing well that I am somebody.

[Maya]

I was abused by a neighborhood boy and have chosen not to tell my family. I have told my T, my husband, and a very few very close friends. I was also raped by my first husband and I did tell my brother (actually, my sister-in-law who told him). I don't think I would want my brother to know about the early sexual abuse Both my parent are dead so that is not an issue.

[mytime]

I don't know why this is such a hard decision for me. I want people to know what I have lived through, partly to show that it can be lived through and you can continue on, and just on the other hand cause I need a hug, I need someone to give me a huge hug and tell me that its ok to still be messed up by this. no one has given me that answer all need is someone to show some sort of emotion towards me and what I have been through and then maybe I can finally cry about it and get it out of my system

[kristenkvinna]

I applaud you for having the courage to even ask this question. Be empowered to do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. And... do it for you, not for anyone else. If you decide to keep it quiet for a while or forever, do it because it's the best thing for YOU not because you're needing to protect anyone else. If you decide to tell family members, do it because it's good, because it's empowering, or because it's freeing you from being held captive by the secrets. Don't tell because it's out of any sense of wanting to do anything for or against anyone else.

Like I said, I think you're awesome for even thinking about it... especially if you've been managing this all alone. I managed mine all alone for a long, long time. When I finally went into therapy I was a basket case, or so I thought. The reality of it was that I had done super human things to keep myself going and therapy was so affirming and reassuring.

Get yourself a strong support team around you that is there totally for you - with no vested interest in the outcome of what happens when/if you "tell." That way your affirmation will be ready and standing by no matter what happens.

Again... applaud yourself for your courage. I do!!

[kristenkvinna]

Okay, I'm going to blab again, just ten seconds after my last post.

I decided to tell my aging parents because they were going on and on believing the sheer load of you-know-what that was being dealt out by my abuser. They had to know the truth. My sister was the only one in the fam that I had initially told and she was against me telling our folks. But, like you, my therapist thought it would be a good idea and another dear friend said it was about time that I stopped being held captive by the secrets.

I did it to regain my own ground.

My innocence was stolen from me as a little bitty girl. I was not about to have my adult years of living in truth stolen from me, too. And this time, I DID have a choice.

And... now that I think about it, not telling added a kind of fuel to the fear. It added affirmation to the disgrace rather than adding affirmation to me in my own right. Telling threw open the windows on my soul and allowed me to embrace my own mother who, as it turns out, was abused by her older brother when she was a child, too!

Not telling would have kept us from that depth of sharing.

That's me, though.

Just don't protect anyone else but you.

If telling liberates you, then tell. If not telling keeps you safe, then don't tell.