[sociallyawkward1037]

i have only told this to one therapist and one online forum and both times it was downplayed as just "child's play" But now i want everyone to know that it was NOT 'just child's play' when i was 5 i was abused by a few of the kids in my daycare. I am now 25 but it still haunts me. I am mostly ashamed and embarrassed because my whole life i thought it was my fault and i was told that it was just something kids do. but its not.

I want to get my story out there so others that have suffered in silence like me can realize what they experienced was real and no one can downplay their pain. I just wish more doctors and therapists would recognize it as abuse and, instead of laughing or saying its nothing, help people through it.

i have since changed therapists and have been seeing this new one for over a year. I have decided to tell him what happened, when i see him next. I really hope he takes it to heart because i need help with this. its tearing me appeart. I'm really scared of what might happen, but i finally want to do it.

[lynn P.]

((Stacy3601)) - I'm sorry you went through this and don't feel validated. Was this bullying or sexual in nature? If this was significant to you then it's a valid concern - it doesn't matter what anyone else classifies it as. BTW I love your 'winking pie' - so cute. If you feel comfortable, you can share your experience here. I hope you are able to work through these feelings and get closure.

[sociallyawkward1037]

thanks lynn

yes it was sexual. i was forced to do sexual acts on the other person/persons. and was also violated.

his happened while i was in kindergarten and daycare at a christian school. it would happen during 'nap time' when the adults would leave the room and the lights would be turned off. I was so afraid to go in that room when the lights were off.

[lynn P.]

((Stacy)) - I'm so very sorry this happened and no this isn't kids being kids. Were they the same age as you? You shouldn't feel ashamed and of course it wasn't your fault. Did you mention it to your mom or were you afraid? I believe kids have the capacity to know right from wrong even at that age.

[shezbut]

(((Stacy3601)))

My SA memories begin at age 5 as well. Several people have kind of "blown off" the whole thing with my brother. Said that it's normal for children to play like that. We were simply exploring our bodies. Blah, blah, blah. Not real validating!

When I came outright with the entire memory, rather than moderating it, is when I found some relief. Giving a bj at age 5 is not normal. My brother was 8. He knew better. I was afraid of him, plain and simple. Where my brother learned the idea, I have no idea. I haven't even gone down that track. Point is, what happened was wrong.

The emotions I've carried towards myself and towards the SA make sense. It makes sense that I have lots of self-blame. And my feelings are okay. I have to work through these memories and emotions to understand myself better. They have to be accepted by others (those important to me in my life now, especially ME) in order for me to truly work through them. {I don't know if that applies to all SA surviviors. I assume that it does though.}

Hope that helps you.

[sociallyawkward1037]

Lynn: no I didn't tell my parents or anyone for that matter until I was about 19 when I told my first T. When it was brushed off I didn't tell anyone else. And the 2 girls that did it were my age or a year or two older. I was made to MB them and then they did it to me. I was so afraid and embarrased.

Thankyou (((shezbut))) it's comforting to know that I'm not alone and have someone to relate to. But I'm also sorry that you have gone through this.

I think child-child SA is more common than people would like to beleave and misunderstood therefore people like us have to live with the guilt and shame and w/e for years and are told to 'to get over it' and that it was nothing.

I'm really shy and have trouble interacting and talking with people, even online, I have all sorts of interpersonal problems and self esteam issues. I have a sevear fear of intamacy (sp) and sex. I am going to try my very best to tell my T about all this. But I'm still very afraid. Do any of you have any tips for me on how to talk about and start the convo with my T?

[shezbut]

Stacy,

I would advise you to start the conversation after the brief hello's. (Personally, I often let myself go off topic to avoid talking about triggers & spend half of the time talking about nothing important.)

I'd go into therapy with a pad of paper carrying this topic on it ~ and whatever feelings you have associated with the subject. Your feelings towards the abusers, those who were supposed to protect you, yourself, etc. Whomever you do have feelings towards, and what feelings they are. Any thoughts that go with the images in your head? Self-blame or self-hate? Blame? Anxiousness? Anger? Guilt?

Have these feelings remained the same throughout your childhood and adulthood, or have they changed as years have passed? How have these memories affected you ability to trust, make friends, develop romance, or follow interests?

Just some Q's that pop into my head anyway. It'll certainly take more than an hour to talk about it. But, if you can write down core thoughts, feelings, and memories you have ~ and then share what you've written (word for word) w/ your T, it would be great! Don't allow yourself to analyze or critique what you've written. Write it, and then move onto something else. If another point pops into your head, write that down too, but don't scratch out this one.

I can relate to your embarrassment too. That's why I write it down & read it in therapy. I'm sure my face is sometimes beet red, but I still have to let it out. My T never laughs at me, or shrugs me off. He has been understanding throughout, which does make it easier to get into other touchy subjects that pop up in life.

(((Stacy))) You're in my thoughts.

[sociallyawkward1037]

Thanks for the help. When I wright out things I want to talk about with my T I often reread and reread everything and scratch out things or leave them out when I read it out loud. But I'm motivated (at least at the moment) to get everything off my chest.

Again, thankyou both for your help and support. It means alot. <3

[Sannah]

Stacey, you weren't a willing participant and this is what made it abuse. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Please keep us updated on how it goes with your T?

[sociallyawkward1037]

My appointment is this Friday and I'm having second thoughts about telling my T. I wrote it all down in my notebook to make it easier. But I still can't help but think what if I'm just over reacting and this was nothing and I should not be making such a big deal.

On one hand I want to try telling someone again. But on the other I don't want to be told it was nothing and I'm just a drama queen.

Ugh. I'm so conflicted. Why me?

There is not much litterateur on child-child abuse so I can't really read or relate to anything

blah. Sorry. Just needed to rant.

[Sannah]

I hope you do bring it up this Friday.........

Let us know what happens Friday!!!-------------theo