[REEG]

Hi all-

Just wanted to post and say, whew, what a night! Another set of health homework with my daughter, this time on aquaintance rape- she was very reactive, and I told her we needed to complete the assignment. Midway through she stated "this is hard because I have been raped by C and L" I have suspected she has experienced CSA since she came into our home at age 6, one man was in prison for CSA with other kids in her bio home.
She has is in therapy as have I for CSA issues.

So less drama than our last attempt at doing the homework, probably because I was able to be more nurturing and supportive to her, and less directive. Whew. Hard stuff.

So with a combination of hugs and encouragement, and two time outs, we got through. I let her know that 1 in 3 girls have experienced what she has, and it's even more important to talk and learn about this stuff becuase of her experience. All in all, it was a 2 hour ordeal to answer 2 questions.

We are supposed to study for her big test tomorrow, I don't know if I am up to it, or what is best for her in this situation. I'm aware that my own issues cloud things too. Feeling relieved we got though this, sad shaky scared proud, whew.

[WePow]

Good for you helping her out. Also, let her know that no one can ever know her pain... And that you are sorry she was hurt. It is vital that she knows that while many people have CSA, that each person is entitled to their own pain and anger about it. Just as you are entitled to your own anger. Those emotions she has are valid and she is free to express in a safe way what she feels.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by WePow

Good for you helping her out. Also, let her know that no one can ever know her pain... And that you are sorry she was hurt. It is vital that she knows that while many people have CSA, that each person is entitled to their own pain and anger about it. Just as you are entitled to your own anger. Those emotions she has are valid and she is free to express in a safe way what she feels.

WePow, thank you, good reminders! With much T, it's been easier to feel, but my default is still to want to just DO and discount feelings. It's been easier to let them in lately, and provide comfort to my girl- and myself.
She is SO good at expressing herself. In our house we talk a lot about it's okay to have many feelings, and to be upset but you are still responsible for your actions and expectations don't just go away. It's a balancing act, for sure. Left to my own devices I focus on the 'powering though' side of things... easy to forget there are other options! If the test seems too much, we can ask for an alternate assignment.

[REEG]

Struggling more with this- bad am, my daughter was refusing to get up, angry in the car, she hit me while driving so I had her walk the rest of the way so we both could cool down. She's feeling really de-stabilized by these health assignments and though I know better, I just kept pushing for a product around it all, instead of hearing her no.

Saw my T today and spent most of the hour talking about it, and she said I should be easier on myself, but I don't really feel as if I'll ever reach the point of being a 'good enough' mother. Just feeling like I'm screwing up all over around this one. So I'm trying to be gentle with us both, but it's not easy.

A big crying blowout from her before her chior concert tonight too...whew. Feeling like a real slimy jerk- on one hand I know she's doing a great job advocating for herself, but in my head I'm thinking 'why can't she just quiet down and DEAL?"

I did apologize and let her know that I'm doing my best but that sometimes my own stuff gets in the way.

[WePow]

((((( Reeg )))))) Just keep on walking this mountain one step at a time. You are doing the very best you can do.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((( Reeg )))))) Just keep on walking this mountain one step at a time. You are doing the very best you can do.

Thanks, WePow. I know that's a more helpful stance to take, much more productive than getting on the 'misery train' but it's a well worn track, you know?
Today my girl refused to get up because there was a test in health, on human anatomy although no questions on rape. She slept all day- we had quite the discussion when I returned home, and I was pretty hard on her. At one point she said- you are being such a BRAT to me! And it was true. It was enough of a shock that I could step back, and apologize and let her know that I often avioded life when things got bad by sleeping, and I wanted better for her. So that helped us both, I think. My girl just deserves so much more...

[LoveMist]

Hi REEG,

It sounds like you are doing the best you can for now. You understand her pain and your also have your stuff to deal with, there are bound to be times to where these two things will clash and that's ok. The good thing is that the two of you keep talking and expressing yourselves, realizing when to say I'm sorry or when you both may need a hug is always a good thing. Keeping those communication lines open is important. Sometimes we all need to just take a day or two and rest, sleep, just to take a break from it all because it can all be too overwhelming to deal with. I have learned myself to take a couple of days to just rest or sleep to regain my strength on view on things. Right now you are doing the best you can, it's just one step at a time no matter how small even if that means taking some time out from it all.

[REEG]

Update- I'm so proud of my girl!

Dear Mr.
I would feel more comfortable if I didn’t have to take the test in class and I have a couple of ideas. 1st maybe I could just have a different assignment, and 2nd maybe I could take the test here so I can take a break and talk through my difficult feelings

A lot of the sections on the test I don’t feel comfortable with. I mean I understand them but they’re just hard for me to talk about or focus on. I realize that there a lot of points that I could earn for it and I really want to get them to improve my grade. I am hoping that you will help me.

REEG, hope you and your daughter make it through to the other side.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

REEG, hope you and your daughter make it through to the other side.

Thaks, Byz. She and the teacher decided to take the test at home, with my support- she (of course) forgot it at school today. I'm glad since that means I will get to have therapy before she has to tackle the test. We can do it over the long weekend so we have a lot of breaks.

It's hard to stay supportive at times- I want to say 'just stop it and DEAL already!' and I know it's because that is my own preferred coping method. So once again, my daughter is leading the way down this healing path.