[mtd]

Hi.

A bit of background is needed to understand where I could use some feedback. After my marriage crumbled about three years ago, I met someone new and started seeing her regularly. The relationship lasted about 20 months -- until last night, that is. Early on in the relationship I sat down with her and told her about my struggles. My abuse, the flashbacks, the addiction, all the recovery stuff -- I was honest and open. She was upset at first and worried about her comfort level with me, but we worked through it and kept seeing each other. I talked about recovery regularly and usually told her when I wasn't doing well. I had one really bad flashback with her present, but even that she worked through with me. I felt supported -- until last night. You see, she had been away with family for about three weeks. When she returned, I had trouble for three days trying to re-establish intimate contact. I just wasn't comfortable and know that comes from my history. The physical trust had faded and I needed time to get it back and was not able to talk about it. I was too afraid. She confronted me last night about "distance" she felt existed, how she was unsure where the relationship was going and how my distance at times made her feel unattractive or worry about my commitment. When I explained what had been going on, including my most recent flashbacks, that my sleepwalking started again, and the need to re-establish physical trust I felt after her vacation, she got very upset and told me she had her own needs (which I don't dispute, of course), that she needed someone "whole" and it was clear I wasn't that and wouldn't be anytime soon and therefore our relationship wouldnt' being going anywhere. I admitted I didn't feel whole, couldn't promise she wouldn't feel hurt again when my problems got in the way of me functioning the way I wanted to in our relationship, I couldn't promise I would always be able to share all of my problems with her right when the come up for her to know and be part of, but asked that she stay with me while I continued to do my best to heal and become "whole." She said goodbye instead.

It reminds me of when the relationship started and I told her I was worried I was "damaged" and couldn't offer her, or anyone else, a "normal" person with "normal" problems to share life with. Mine would be extreme, not "normal". She told me then that she didn't see me as "damaged" and seeing myself that way wasn't fair to myself. I agreed. But last night she really made me feel "damaged." I feel she ended the relationship because I am mentally ill, despite everything wonderful we experienced in our relationship. I so loved being able to have her close and be intimate without feel guilty, most of the time. I had a bad flashback when we were making love. I didn't tell her about it until last night and I think it was too much for her.

This really hurts. This is so unfair. I love her. This would not have happened if I hadn't been sexually abused. It's been 27 years. I so hate this.

Thanks for listening.

mtd

[mj14]

mtd, I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. All I can say is that it is not fair. But you seem like a very good caring person, who is trying hard to overcome your problems, and I have to believe that you will find someone who can love you for who you are, struggles and all.

*hugs*
mj

[Moonsilk]

Hello, mtd. ^^

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with love. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I can definitely identify with the feelings of being "damaged".

Up until I was 19 years old, I honestly believed I was DEFORMED (that my nether-regions were deformed). I never looked at myself, and was, quite frankly, terrified of doing so. It wasn't until I finally let someone else look, that I realized I wasn't deformed. It was a very big step for me.

Emotionally, I consistently feel "damaged" from the experience, as childhood traumas cannot be absorbed when you are a child - your mind cannot comprehend the impact; its logic systems are simply not developed enough.

As you grow into an adult, the experience, which has left an impact on your mind, begins to take meaning and understanding, and unless you have been directly, and repetatively, told that you are NOT damaged by the experience, your logical mind assumes you were, as the experience was "out of the normal range of human experience".

It is a common theme in childhood traumas that one feels physically and/or emotionally "damaged" from the event, and therefore feels "unworthy" of love, or meaningful relationships with others. However, the truth is, they are generally NOT damaged, beyond what damage the mind imposes based on societal, moral, parental, and peer influences.

In my family, experiences such as those that I experienced (my sexual abuse) were not openly discussed, more, they were "swept under the carpet", never to be spoken of again. Therefore, I felt "damaged" by the experience - after all, it was too horrible to even be spoken of! To a child, that can do more REAL damage than anything else.

Not to blame my parents though. They did the best they could to deal with the situation, and I love them immensely - they simply were not educated enough in HOW to deal with such a devestating event. I imagine they felt much like "failures", because they did not prevent it, and protect me from it.

I have never blamed them for my abuse, however, as, in a way, I believe that if you are to have an experience, good or bad, you will have it - no matter how much you are, or are not, protected from it.

Moving on.

Over the years I have had many difficulties feeling "close", or getting "intimate" with people. A lot of it is internalized, like dissassociating myself from sexual activity while engaged in it. It was a defense mechanism I used as a child, but is now "out of place", as there is no need to disassociate with an experience that is both genuinely loving, and pleasant. Nevertheless, I must actively avoid disassociating during sexual activity - which can make lovemaking a "task" rather than a "pleasure" at times.

In your case, I imagine you have some of the same problems?

I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD with depression, anxiety, and simple phobias - I am wondering if your diagnoses is similar?

And, if you answer "yes" to one or both of those questions, some ways I have learned to believe in myself, and feel "whole" is to tell myself that no matter what anyone else has to say about me, I am a unique individual with experiences, both good and bad, that make up the sum total of who I am.

I am NOT simply a victim/survivor of sexual abuse, but more, I am a sum of things; I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a friend, I am a student, I am a writer, I am an artist, etc. I am the sum total of ALL my experiences, and all of my experiences are uniquely my own.

Just as yours are. Despite my nightmares, my panic attacks, my "feeling flashbacks", my insomnia, my eating disorder, etc. - I am other things, positive things that are of value and worth.

Just as you are. You are certainly not damaged, but sometimes, people without the ability to empathize with the part of yourself that has been abused cannot understand that the part of you hurting does not make up the whole of WHO you are. They can not see past that part to take note of the other parts you choose to share with them.

Thankfully, however, there are people who can both understand and empathize with the part of you that is hurting. Those that will and do, will help you to overcome your insecurities, and your emotional hurdles to help you "feel" whole, not just "be" whole. ^^

I'm sorry if this post sounds preachy, I just feel very strongly that we are all "whole" individuals, despite how we "feel" right now, because we all have unique and individual aspects of our personalities and experiences that make us who we are.

I hope, in some small way, this post helps you. I will be thinking of you.

(((((mtd)))))

Please take care.

[Moonsilk]

Hi, again. ^^

I was just reading back on posts, and was reminded that you were the one that answered my PTSD post. I thought I had spoken to you before. My short-term is shot, though, so I hope you'll forgive me. ^^

My mini-novel still stands, however. ^^

Stay strong! You ARE a whole person. ^^

(((((mtd)))))

Take care.

[ltlredvett]

mtd.... I am so very, very sorry for your pain and for the loss of your relationship. Unfortunately there is a cold, hard reality to relationships when one of the people are struggling with a mental illness that is so very different from suffering from any other type of illness.

The issue, in my opinion, comes into play because often a mental illness causes us to behave in such a way as to hurt or distance a loved one. The loved one begins to see us differently. They begin to wonder who we really are. They wonder if our actions when we are not well are really representative of who we are inside.

These would not be concerns if you were suffering from any other kind of illness. In those instances you would receive just what you need... the love and support that can help make you well. But, you do not receive that support. Instead the relationship often ends leaving you isolated, hurt and lonely which only makes your healing process that much more difficult.

Granted these are only my opinions, based on my own experience which is not that dissimilar to yours. It is so sad and unfortunate that you had to experience this loss. The best thing you can do is to concentrate on yourself, get better ... then try and reach out to someone, hopefully not someone that will judge you and bail out if your symptoms return. You are certainly not "damaged".

I really think that Moonsilk said it best....
"
Just as you are. You are certainly not damaged, but sometimes, people without the ability to empathize with the part of yourself that has been abused cannot understand that the part of you hurting does not make up the whole of WHO you are. They can not see past that part to take note of the other parts you choose to share with them.

Thankfully, however, there are people who can both understand and empathize with the part of you that is hurting. Those that will and do, will help you to overcome your insecurities, and your emotional hurdles to help you "feel" whole, not just "be" whole.
"

Many have suggested to me on here that there are people out there with kind and nutruing hearts that will see and focus on the good inside you. I guess the challenge is in finding those people. Tis not an easy task.