[MacD]

After almost 20 years of marriage, the kids & I left this past July. My counselor said that it was a miracle that I had the will left to leave after this length of time. I didn't really understand what he was saying because I was so resolute in my decision.
It was tough, to say the least. After over a decade of working FOR my husband in a family business, I was frightened to be back "on the job market" but amazingly, I found a wonderful job that makes me feel like I'm not just working, but truly helping people. (I'm a grant writer for a non profit agency that works for senior citizens).
But I must admit that "breaking free" is still a wrenching process. My ex is still obsessed with the hope that we will reconcile, but despite his declarations that he is a different man, I don't truly believe that he has faced the abuse issue squarely. He still wants to blame financial pressures, family, etc...for the break up.
I beg for space but he is no more responsive now than he was when I pleaded for him to get help during the marriage. He's like the proverbial thief who is not sorry that he stole, but is terribly sorry that he was caught.
But it's pitiful because I honestly don't think he is conscious of what truly needs to be dealt with. (i.e. the fact that he grew up in an abusive home where the abuser was protected & enabled at his expense).

I did the same thing for him for many years because I just didn't understand what I was dealing with. I thought I could heal him by giving him all the love and affirmation that he didn't get growing up. I justified my devotion by telling myself that he was so talented & had such potential to be a good person that all it would take was more time...more love....more devotion. I nearly allowed myself to be destroyed before I realized that some problems can't be "fixed" just because there is love/passion/etc.
The battle goes on, and some days I feel strong and some days I feel hopeless. But somehow, I can't stop believing that it will be alright with time.

[Fuzzybear]

I am glad you have left him and are making a new life! Stay strong!
(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

[MacD]

Thank you for your support. It really does help.
Mc

[nightdream]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{McDonald}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sending you all my love! Keep going sweety!

nightdream

[Quay]

Hi. I agree with you. That's why I stayed even a bit longer than you. I kept thinking it wasn't his fault, and that he didn't mean it. I thought the same way, that if I could just give him the love and support his family hadn't given him that he would be healed. He wasn't. Instead things started to escalate in the end. I got to the point of thinking that the best thing I could do was keep my mouth shut and just pretend not to be there. The combination of that and having one of my daughters shush me for defending myself finally got me to start wondering what I was putting up with and why. It wasn't until I started therapy however that I actually realized it had a name. I was sure from the start that I hadn't explained things right when my T called it abuse. I spent many sessions trying to reframe the different incidents we'd discussed, but he just kept saying the same thing, "yes, that's called abuse." It finally sunk in. My husband walked out a year ago last May. We finally divorced this spring. He still thinks we might get back together, and also keeps talking about how he has changed. I know he thinks he has, but he's treating my daughters exactly the way he used to treat me, so I know he hasn't actually changed. I still question myself at times anyway. Did I try hard enough in the marriage? Did I really give him a chance to change? Is there a way I could have worked things out with him? When I'm thinking logically I know the answers to those questions, but sometimes when I'm feeling sad and down I'm not so sure I was fair to him.

[radio_flyer]

WTG for leaving your abusive marriage. Sounds like you are making a new and better life for yourself. I can't say I weathered the storm as well as you did. It seems all the good in me was slowly peeled away and all that was left was me scrambling in an empty void of nothingness. Lost and confused. But I do have to say I was damaged goods before I entered the marriage. It seems I am a magnet that draws abusive folks my way. So I pretty much lay low.

Oh, my x, l2 years after the divorce, still believes he did nothing wrong. I think all I wanted to hear him say that he was sorry for the way he treated me. But how can he do that when he feels he did nothing wrong? Shrugs shoulders. Bottom line is they seldom own up to being abusive. But then the pattern shows up in our kids. I worry for my son. He treats his girlfriends the way his dad treated me. He can be brutal with his words and is controlling and hurtful. He has never hit a girl. Yet I worry. So staying in an abusive marriage “for the kid’s sake” really isn’t a wise thing to do.