help....somehow....please.

I was abused by my mother. (We'll leave out the "how" in case anybody gets triggered.) My therapist and I have slowly been taking steps to talk about it over the last few months.

I told him in generalities, but last week he said he was going to see how high he could push the Candy Anxiety Meter, LOL, and said he wanted details. LOTS of details. Details I have never been able to say out loud, or write down, or do anything but stuff them because they're so repulsive.

So, I took a couple Klonopin, and I sat down and I gave him kind of like, I dunno, 85% details -- there are words to describe things that happened that I will not use, so kind of had to be generic in spots --
and I finished it and sent it off, and thought I was done.

And then, since he obviously knows about the self-injury -- we've talked about it extensively, and I don't hide my arm -- I mentioned places I do it that aren't so visible, in the interest of full disclosure, you know. What good is it to have a T if you aren't going to be completely honest with them?

And now all the monsters are coming out of my anxiety closet and I'm too freaked out to sleep, and I'm too freaked out not to want to self-injure, and I wish I could just ::POOF!:: disappear into utter nothingness so this stuff wouldn't be happening and I didn't have to think about it or ever have had it happen. This feels like an "up all night" freakout.

If anybody is up and reading, and can convince me I"m not insane, I need to hear it. Thanks.

Candy

oh (((((((((((candybear))))))))))))

i think you are so brave for finding the strength to tell your T even part of the details. I admire your bravery and your strength. you are NOT insane. after all your T can't help you as well if he doesn't know everything. I am here if you want to chat or PM me. I am sure you feel like freaking, but I think you've done the right thing.

take care and stay safe.

(((((((((((candy))))))))))))))

-shadow

Candybear,

Shadow is right, you are a brave and courageous survivor and I admire your strength in sharing.

You are not insane. You are dealing with a horrific trauma that is overwhelming.

Healing is a long and difficult process, and some of your coping strategies will be unhealthy but it is how you survived. It is what you know.

Sharing all you did with your T is something you should be proud of. That, my dear, takes the guts of a warrior.

Respectfully,

Petunia

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you don't have to give details. It happened to me, too. You've got to remember that it's NOT happening now! It won't ever happen again because you can now do whatever it takes to stop her! You are NOT insane! If anything, it was her!

The freaking out is par for the course, although we'd give anything to not have to go through it. What my T had me do is imagine myself in a safe place of my own making, where no one or no thing could get in without my making it so. Mine was a beautiful, WHITE bedroom. Everything was white and pure and nothing could touch me there. You can imagine a great big lock on the door or anything that would make you feel safe. Only YOU have any say there. Only YOU can create what you want there. YOU are the only one with power in your safe place.

Try it and see if it works for you. If not, I'll be here if you want to chat or PM.

Be safe!

Candy I am so sorry. You are NOT insane. What happened to you is so overwhelming to you right now. It sounds like you may not have had enough other coping skills for you to handle the rush of emotions from the abuse so you are reverting to those that have worked in the past. Please IM or PM me if I can help. Try and take care of yourself you deserve it.

no you are not insane.

I agree with everything else that has been said. You were very brave to share those details with your T.

This is a hard process, I know.

Try to take care of yourself.

((((((( ))))))))))

You are simply feeling the pain and fear. Don't let the b.... win by hurting yourself for her. Use the words, they are not your shame but hers. I think we should make the daughter mafia and go after these people, most dead or old and teach them what is right and what is not. Be safe. You traveled many miles and now it's time to rest.

You are definitely not insane... you are a survivor. Sometimes when you open the 'closet', more comes out than you are willing to cope with. Telling about something that has happened to you means admitting to it, and sometimes the shame or pain is overwhelming.

It took years for me to be able to talk about some of the things that happened to me. It was too shameful because I blamed myself and I was afraid of the truth... that it had all really happened. But it has eased over time. I can talk about the things that happened to me now. But when you first start to talk, it is scary because you relive the abuse emotionally.

*big hugs*

You are strong. Keep talking. And remember, it was not your fault. You are not insane. You are healing.

((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))
nothing was your fault. you are not "crazy" and you are very strong and brave. it is "them" who need their heads examined for what they did to us.
w_i

Thank you everyone, for the hugs and kindness. I get really wiped out after a meltdown, so I slept all day yesterday, and I'm still really tired today. But I'm not allowed to be tired this week, if I want Labor Day off -- I have to get NEXT week's paper done by Friday. (still working on this week's....)

Whoever said this is hard wasn't kidding. I trust my T completely and I know for sure he will not do anything that will harm me in any way. But he does like to give me a good push now and then! And sometimes I wonder how much I can stand. But I put up with it because I know the only way I am ever going to heal (and get out of therapy) is to do what I'm doing, write it down, say it out loud. That doesn't make it any less sucky, though. :-\

Thank you again for being kind to me and lending a hand when I needed it. (I might still need it! :-)

Candy