A Survivor? I'm still enduring it.

I just found out yesterday that my daughter is malnourished. Huge surprise, since everyone else in the family is fine.

Now, you would think that I would at least be acknowledged in a NICE way that I finally expedited medical care to find out why she's not growing.

In two weeks' time she went from a routine physical with her GP, to seeing a pediatrician, to seeing a pediatric endocrinologist at the third best children's hospital in the nation. That's how concerned I and the DOCTORS were.

What does the ex ask? "Why is this being taken care of now? Why are the doctors finally taking notice now?" One, she only needs a physical every two years. Two, she was over a year late for her latest physical, since he wants to take charge of medical care and I have to clear everything with him first. I've worked in the medical field for 15 years, but I need to clear anything medically related with a self-absorbed salesman first. Bastard. (He only expedites their medical care when it's in his legal best interests, which means he's only gotten "concerned" with their medical care in the last five months. It only took 14 years to reach that point).

I finally get the test results from the specialist yesterday. She said we need to increase her protein and caloric intake and that should trigger a growth spurt. She told me to get her in to see a nutritionist, which I promptly arranged an appointment for, AFTER notifying the ex of what I was told and what I was instructed to do. We don't need to give her daily growth hormone shots for the next two years. Hooray, right? Nope.

After sending off a short but informative e-mail, he wrote back asking what kind of food we need to give her. OK, common sense tells me that if you need to up the protein and calories it means just that, and if you're told to visit a nutritionist and you have an appointment in two weeks for a definitive dietary plan, that you simply make sure to INCREASE THE PROTEIN AND CALORIES until that time. Is there anyone here who doesn't know where protein comes from? I guess he doesn't, and I guess he didn't understand the friggin new food pyramid he was joking about at the specialist's office last week either.

So I write back and say that we'll know what kind of diet for certain after the nutritionist appointment and, no, the doctor didn't say how long it would take her pre-albumin level to normalize. (that's the test that shows how well the body is utilizing protein). At the moment, I'm really not concerned about how the test result will raise over the next several months. It's low, she's not growing. We're told to improve her diet and she'll grow. We can tell if it's working by the scale and her clothing. The specialist said she only needs to see her in six months. Not one month, not 6-8 weeks, not 3 or 4 months. SIX MONTHS. That right there tells me this is important but not serious. Feed her and she'll grow. (This guy wrote up a plan a few months ago that he wanted me to follow, rules that he enforces in HIS house, including telling the kids they need to ask before eating.....ANYTHING. I'm thinking "My daughter's underweight, undersized, she can eat when she's hungry. If there's food in the house, it's there to be eaten, not for display." And they usually do ask, especially if it's something that might be used in a recipe instead of just eaten on its own.

He shoots back a final inflammatory e-mail last night accusing me of withholding medical treatment information from him, saying that "most parents would ask the doctor questions, and since you don't have an answer for me I can only assume that ONCE AGAIN you are withholding information from me." (slightly paraphrased, I don't have the actual note in front me). I've never withheld medical info from him, even when I wanted to because I knew he would just roll his eyes and disagree with it. Then he said that I am being terse and uncooperative. I told him what I knew. It was in the middle of my work day (and I work on production, which he knows, so time spent composing a lengthy letter that's acceptable to him means I'm losing money and extending my work day. Let me tell you, he ain't worth it). I thought I was doing the right thing by forwarding him the medical information AS I RECEIVED IT, in real time. Oh no, not at all. In this instance I should have waited until I had time to compose a well thought out note, complete with transcripts of the brief call I had with the doctor. (If I did that, he might never get any info because I always feel squeezed for time). I just got *****ed at two weeks ago for letting him know on Monday some information that I had received late Friday after all medical offices had closed and nothing further could be done with the info. He was at parties and weddings all weekend, so I wrongly assumed he was unreachable. He's unreachable most times anyway. His cell phone service that runs him $400 a month usually doesn't ring through. Uh huh, sure.

It's impossible to deal with a person who changes his mind every week on how we're supposed to inform each other of the kid's lives. And I'M the one who's crazy and irrationale and impossible to deal with. Yes, I have had my moments with him where I'm sure my eyes were bulging and my nostrils flaring and maybe even some spit flying off my lips and the words weren't making sense to anyone but me- WHEN I'M DEFENDING MY ACTIONS AS A MOTHER. Fight or flight.

He also wanted to know, once again, if the children are being given any prescribed medications without his knowledge. I was just in a doctor's office with him last week and said no. WHY would I withhold medical information that could be crucial in diagnosing her problem? Easy answer - I wouldn't. And why would I withhold information from him that will cause my daughter to get better? I wouldn't. Just because I've set a custody revision in place, he is under the false assumption that I am trying to undermine his parenting. He does just fine with that on his own; he doesn't need my help.

So now he's threatening me that he's going to take away all medical care accessability from me and will leave me uninformed completey as to the kid's health, as it was written up (by him) in the original divorce agreement (section 2, paragraph 2) blah blah blah. Total BS. We have 50/50 custody and placement. Once again, as told by lawyers and the mediator, he is NOT primary custodian and cannot withhold decision making from me. He conveniently forgets things and I'm always making things up because he can't remember being told or saying something. Crazymaking at its finest.

And I'M the one who's crazy and irrationale and impossible to deal with.

Not by the sounds of this post.

Have you gone through some of these posts and printed them?

It might help YOU see (cuz that's what's important--we already see it) that you are not the one who is crazy.

I am so sorry you have this to deal with.

You're doing great though. I know you don't think so, but you are.

Petunia

Thanks Pet. I know I'm not crazy, but he thinks I am. Since I have to physically see him once a week, it keeps the tension at a high. He can go from being like this one day, to acting like everything is perfectly fine the next. I never know which version I'm going to get. In person he can be "nice." In e-mail is when he gets mouthy.

I get ill feeling when I see an email from him, a call on caller ID, answering machine message. The sound of his voice and the tone of his writing makes my skin crawl.

He's a bully and he knows it, even if he won't admit to it. He continually tries to knock me down, so crawling back up to a healthy space seems nearly impossible. In return, I fight back verbally and reinforce his belief that I'm unstable. I just feel like I can't win.

Save everything. Give it to your lawyer. Keep fighting (though I know its hard). It's hard, but eventually the system will usually get itself together. My mom always told us if someone is hurting you and we don't do anything about it, tell someone else and keep telling until someone helps. I think this applies to you as well. Keep telling someone...your lawyer...child services...someone. You're in my thoughts.

I am sorry you are going through all this......ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Thinking strong thoughts for you,
Fuzzy