[BlueFaith]

I'm not really too sure if I have this post in the right place. But I looked around and this certainly seems the most fitting place for it. So, I apologize if I have put this somewhere that it doesn't belong. I do feel like a survivor of abuse. No doubt about that. My mother is an alcoholic, and always has been. I can remember being a very young child, about 4 I guess, and smelling that rancid alcohol on her breath. It used to make me sick. And still to this day it makes me sick to smell that awful smell. I'm still trying to figure all of this out. I know she's an alcoholic, and everyone else does too. But she denies it to NO END. She will not admit that she has a problem. I was reading another post about someone's mom that would hide liquor bottles all around the house. My mom does the same thing. She hides them behind the washing machine, under the kitchen sink, just anywhere she can. She has tried a couple of times to quit, and during those times she even admitted that she has a problem. But then she starts to shake all over and she vomits alot. So when all that starts happening she just starts drinking again. The longest she's ever gone without a drink is a month. She gets so embarrassed about failing in her attempt to quit that she tries to hide the fact that shes drinking again. How can she NOT know that we all know??!?! She smells like it, she stumbles everywhere, her speech is so slurred that you can barely understand her. And she's like that every single day. My mother used to leave me and my sister alone at night in a VERY bad part of town (where we lived) while she would go out to bars and stay all night long. I used to be so terrified. I was sexually abused by some of my mom's "drinkin' buddies". People she used to drag into our house at all hours of the night. Her and my dad are both to blame there, because he was out living it up with her back then too. My dad quickly stopped the drinking and hte wild parties and all that. But my mother just never stopped. She doesn't go out to bars anymore, but she sits around the house getting drunk every single day. She stays so drunk that she can't be there for me when I need her. For example, I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago. I was nearly 6 months pregnant when this happened. Needless to say, I was distraught. My mom never came to the hospital at all. Another time not long after that I had to have my gall bladder removed by emergency surgery. A blood vessel had been cut by accident and I was literally bleeding to death. I had to have transfusions and the whole 9 yards. The docs said I am very lucky to be here. I stayed in the hospital for over a week, but my mother was never there to see me at all. Not even once. She barely even called. She made up excuses as to why she couldn't be there for me on both occasions. But I know deep down that it was because she couldn't pull herself away from the liquor. I do understand that she has a problem.... a real problem that she cannot fix on her own. But what do you do when someone refuses help? Her doctor even told her once about a year ago to stop drinking if she wants to live another 3 years. It's like it hasn't even phased her at all. What am I supposed to do to help her. Yes, she has put me through hell and back when it comes to this alcohol addiction she has. But I still love her and I want to help her so badly. I don't know what it's like to have my mom sober. I really just don't know. I have 3 kids now that love her to pieces. And my sister has 2 with one on the way. She has grandchildren that would love to be able to remember her. My mom is only 44 years old. I am just at my wits end. I don't know what else to do for her. I am angry with her, but I feel sorry for her. I hate what she's done to me and how I've had to grow up because of her addiction. But I still love her and I want to do all I can for her. In a way I hate her, but I also love her. I don't know what else to say about it all. Sorry for rambling on so long.

-Jennifer-

[ktp]

Jennifer:

Boy your story sure brings up alot of feelings I have had myself. My mother was abusive, mentally and physically.She's also a drug addict and an alcoholic. Alot of the same things that you describe of your mother are identical to my situation (including her not being there for you during a life threatening illness) I would definitely say it is abusive. Maybe not in the classic sense but definitely it makes us feel horrible much in the way as mental abuse. Ramble on, trust me I used to do it all the time and I'm sure you'll endure more than one long rambling post from me.

Hugs (if ya want them)

Take care,
Kimberly.