Insomnia

(I'm not sure if this is the right forum)

This is a second hand post. I was not abused myself, one of my partners was.

She woke up one night with a stranger straddling her chest arms. He then pressed down a plastic bag foil over her face making it impossible for her to breath. She fought back and managed to get one arm free and make enough noise for this guy to decide getting out of dodge was the thing to do, but not before he broke her nose and jaw, trying to subdue her with punches.

She was 9 years old.

She walked into her parents bedroom, where they were still sleeping, and to afraid to speak she stood there until they woke up at dawn.

She tells this story with about as much emotional intensity as you would tell someone that the milk is about to go bad. To her, it is not an issue. Something from the past. Something dealt with. After all, they got the guy. But I can see it is, and how deep it runs and affects different parts of her behavior.

The most critical one of these is her insomnia. She doesn't go to sleep until sleep takes her by force, so her sleep rhythm is in a constant cycle, shifting an hour or two forward every night. We have tried various things over the last few months, but none of them with any success. Because of the someone unique nature of our relationship this included enforced bed times and lights out. She had a very strong reaction at the thought of not being able to read while in bed or otherwise occupy her mind. I didn't go through with it because I could see that the thought alone was overwhelming her with anxiety.

It wasn't until the cat made a noise one night and she had a sudden panic attack that ended in tears that it clicked for me.

She doesn't feel safe. She can't let herself go, let herself fall asleep, because somewhere deep down there is a fear, so far out of reach she isn't aware of it anymore, that once she sleeps she is exposed and vulnerable and helpless.

My question is now this. How successful do you think I would be treating this externally, by upgrading our home with a security system, getting a guard dog, and so forth?

Do you think such measures would even come close to the core issue, or would the attempt to address her feeling of not being safe like this be futile?

Hi Bridger.

It sounds like you already know the answer to your own question. You could live in fort knox and she will probably be still afraid. Fear that stem from abuse is not rational, you cannot say to yourself that the door is locked, so no one can get it... you cannot reason with or subdue these fears with reasoning or rational behaviour, like upgrading the security. The core issue of abuse, where the fear comes from, must be adressed. This is not as easy as asking about the weather, and it takes a lot of time, patience and love. Therapy is a very good idea, if it is at all possible, but on the other hand, if she chooses not to participate then everything you do is in vain. You have to convince her that she is still harbouring these bad things somewhere inside of her and it is just going to keep coming out in unhealthy ways if she doesn't deal with the issue directly.

Yeah, you are right, but wouldn't it be nice if things could be that simple, sometimes?

We talked about it, and she made a suggestion I think is good. It might treat the symptom at least. Hypnotherapy. So, we'll see where that will lead.

It's great that she is willing to try it. I hope that it helps.

Sounds like she is afraid to deal with it in therapy?