[Overcastbutclearing]

I usually can express my depression, anger, hurtful and sad feelings that are just generic better. Normally I post in DEPRESSION.
Now, I am starting to do trauma work, if you will.
I am scared poopless. I had some really horrible dreams last night of my childhood abuser. I haven't really had dreams about him in so long. I can avoid and split and dissociate with the best of them.
Now, I am coming face to face with the horrible things that happnened to me. Acts that stopped me from really trusting people, understanding love and the like.
I to this day have issues with affection.
Anyway, since I am starting to do the work that has needed to be done for so long I thought maybe if I embrace it I can heal from it.
I don't know. I am really scared!

[dottie]

Hi. Sorry you are feeling this. I was abused twice when I was 5 years old. I Have been able to deal with this pretty much on my own. Plus the man who did this to me met with a very nasty demise years ago. Someday I will tell about it. The important thing is...I am a survivor.

~Dottie

[mrb020377]

sjo,

This is the scariest thing in the world to go through next tp the actual abuse. It has been 12 years since i was last abuse... there are times at night when i swear i can feel him.. It is really hard to confront those feelings. Just take your time, and stay safe.

(((((((((((sjo)))))))))))))))))

[kelbelle65]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{abuse survivors}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} i am so sorry for the pain and suffering you experienced and continue to experience in the form of dreams and flash backs. My heart goes out to you with wishes of strength and healing and empowerment.

This next part may trigger, so proceed with caution: This is my abuse story...
I am pretty sure I was molested when I was 18, but I was too drugged to remember it so I have never had any PTSD or anxiety over it. I was a slut back then anyway because (I realize now that I am an adult) I needed love and attention that I wasn't getting from my parents (alcoholic/emotionally absent mother and strict, military type humorless father), so I basically got approval and attention in the form of casual sex. It's a common thing, I know. And I have forgiven myself for the most part, but sometimes I feel intense shame and regret. But when I think back on that night and think of the two guys that I am 99% sure molested me, I don't feel much in the way of disgust or fear or anything. The last thing I remember is the big fat disgusting one trying to lift up my shirt. Then I passed out and I actually ended up overdosing that night... I almost died. Ended up in the emergency room and all that. I think I blocked out the whole scenario of what probably happened. It was a simple incident of valium being used as a date rape drug. But I took the valium willingly. I didn't know what it would do to me-- render me a limp and dying rag doll. And then the whole big overdose nightmare (my parents were in Hawaii and had to cut their vacation short/ almost gave my poor Grandmother a heart attack by coming close to death while she was responsible for keeping me safe)... that I just buried the molestation and this is actually the first time I'm really talking about it. It happened in 1983.

As I write all this I am having some anxiety about triggering people. I am really afraid to trigger anyone. It's so hard to know what will trigger each individual... these forums are to vent, connect, ask for help, give support... and yet, I feel so nervous when I open up like this. Do any of you long time forum members have any advice or suggestions about triggering? I sincerely apologize if anything I have said here has offended or triggered anyone in any way. I'm pressing the send button now... maybe I shouldn't. but maybe my story will prevent some teenager on this forum from taking a pill that will render them unable to protect themselves from an abuser or a date rapist. Then it will be worth it. So, here goes.

Thanks for listening, friends...

Feeling sadness about all of us who have been abused in any way...

May our light shine through the darkest memories and may we overcome and triumph.

Love,
Kelly

[Acajin]

Thank you Kelbell for sharing that story. It has helped me to understand some of the woman that I've had in my life that have gone through that kind of situation and who haved suffered from that type of abuse and for understanding what led up to being in that kind of situation.
I'm happy to see that you are dealing with it and hope that you were able to resolve the issues.

Jp