[kimmydawn]

the ugly touches us.

i've been making alot of discoveries in therapy. t and i have been figuring out alot. i'm seeing so much more of my life...more of the big picture. it's ugly and hard to see. now, feelings are being thrown in as well. that's even more difficult. i'm proud of the progress though. t is as well. we've been talking about a difficult subject for me...sex. we've been talking about good/bad/abusive. i'd kinda put things into two catagories with that. THEN BOOM!!!!!!!!!

weds, the day after t, i was journaling about what we'd discussed and mentioned a convo that i'd always remembered with a dr (i blamed self. the convo's the only thing i remembered, and dr's wouldn't do anything wrong). then all of the sudden, the picture widened. it widened more and filled in...to my horror.

what i remembered was a memory that had been totally blocked from me for eight years. yes, i'm a dissociator, so that's not odd. however, i usually have a clue about things. this i had no clue about. in fact, i'd stored it as a "fun-cracking" memory based on the only information that i had about it.

what the pictured turned into was the fact that the dr abused me. we had actually reported him that night to the police at the urging of my cousin who'd heard his inappropriate conversation with me, and then was very worried because i'd been in there so long after she left. i don't know much. i won't say what i know, other than to say that i remember some of the inappropriatess, well abuse, from the dr. it would be considered gross sexual imposition in the court. i now rememeber that he gave me a shot. i don't trust my memory though. i have to have that police report! i don't know that i'll ever know what happened to me there. to make matters worse, it was allowed to be blocked so easily because no investigator, no one, called me after the filing! they should have and questioned and maybe known that i needed to go to the hospital for tests. i was then screwed by the system. once again i told. once again, no one heard me. maybe that's why it was blocked?

i remember now as well, a long time later (couple of years maybe) and investigator did call me. i don't know what was said as it had been blocked. so, when i remembered this weds, i had to investigate online to see if anything happened. i did just that.

there were at least NINE other claimants! this dr. was indcited on multiple counts of rape, sexual battery and gross sexual imposition. he pled to lesser charges of multiple counts of attempted rape (unaware for one), gross sexual imposition and sexual battery. he was put on five years probation, lost his medical license forever for anywhere in the u.s., and was forced to register as a sexual preditor.

no one ever told me. nothing. i was one of the first, if not the first, claimants. if they would've done what they were supposed to do for me possibly I would've had some justice, possibly there would have been no more victims, possibly i wouldn't have blocked this and be dealing with it now...knowing i'll never know what happened to me.

i still have to get that police report. i have to know what i can. they're making a copy of it for me from microfilm.

i don't know what to feel. i feel everything. i can't believe this happened to me AGAIN in my adult life. is that my reason for being on this earth??? sometimes i wonder.

i'm sorry it's so long, but i feel i should let y'all know what i'm dealing with because i'm not being myself here right now. i'll be ok. i always am.

thanks for listening,

kd

[dalila]

<font color="green"> Hugs KimmyDawn, I have been in much the same position. I have always had some vague recollections of the show and tell games my godfather played with me when I was 3 or 4. Not until I had been in therapy with the same therapist for nearly 3 years did the memories come back.

It has taken about another year but I think I am mostly done recalling the big stuff. Hmm that statement still scares me spitless, but I do think it is true this time.

I think sometimes the adults believe they are protecting the child by not mentioning the incident ever again, there was an incident like that in my past. As I have gotten stronger I asked my mother about it and to my amazement the man went to jail. I was not his first or only victim but he had little opportunity to victimize other little girls for a good many years.

As I said I am coming out the other side of the journey you are embarking on and the past is not as brutal or omnipresent as it was just a few months ago. </font>

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((dalila))))))))))))))))) i'm so sorry for what happened to you. i'm glad there was some justice.

what happened to me this time was eight years ago. i was 34...an adult. i'm so amazed. it's like it happened last week.

thank you so much for relating (though i'm sorry that you can). so i should be feeling all of this then?

be safe and thank you again.

kd

[ickydog2006]

hugs to both of you. I have some questions about the not remembering things. I have recently discovered that that is happening to me. If something upsets me than I will froget it until something happens to trigger the memory. Even though sometimes I feel like it is a dream and I am just imagining it. It's hard to know what to believe or what else I don't remember. Do you two think it was benneficial to forget those things? Are you thankful for it? It has been something I have been thinking about for awhile. It scares me to know that I am sometimes so unaware of reality.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))

I am sorry that your going through this. You were not put here on this earth for that purpose.
You have always been a kind, gentle person with nothing but love in your heart. You were taken advantage of in the worst way and you are not to blame for any of it.
Be easy on you. K?

Love,


Jen

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry that any of us are having to go through this. It was many years before I remembered what happened to me and I am still working through it.

No one deserves to have something like that happen nor are you in anyway responsible. You were taken advantage of in a horrible way. I am sorry that it was not dealt with and you had no ecourse at that time. I am glad that you are now strong enough to work through everything.

You sound like a very strong and determined person. I look forward to the day you write and say how you recieved your justice even if it is within yourelf.

Please be kind to yourself as you deserve it. Take care.

[Fuzzybear]

I admire your posting about this. You are always gentle and kind despite all the %#@&#! life throws at you.....and you deserve nothing but good things. I am so sorry about all the ugliness. You have touched so many people here in a positive way.... that alone is good reason for you being on this earth. I know that there is so much good in you

(((((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))))

Take gentle care,
(Fuzzy)

[dalila]

<font color="#008800"> My Therapist always said that the only way to deal with this stuff is to go through it. She was there to support me and I leaned heavily on her.For me,I had to go though it more than once to get to the emotions that I had been so successful at burying and then denying as the memories returned. Let yourself feel and be kind to yourself. You were a victim but now you are becoming an overcomer.

Safe hugs if you want them. </font>

[Gracey]

Kimmy, I'm so sorry for your loss, and what you are dealing with is most certainlly a loss. I wish I knew what to tell you. I've dealt with something similar; I know how you feel.
Gracey

[kimmydawn]

thank you so much ((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))) who responded. i'm sorry i haven't responded until now, but i've been working really hard to keep this at bay until i found out some answers and got the police report, then saw t. i've done all of those things now and wanted to update y'all.

i got the police report on tueday, a few hours before seeing t (perfect timing, huh?). alot of it was blacked out because there had never been an arrest on this case and it's still prosecutable in criminal or civil court. they have to protect this sexual preditor, ya know. i was able to answer most of my questions, though, by what i could read and what else the report helped me to remember.

bottom line...i feel very good about my actions then. i reported him to the police. i decided against going to the prosecutor because there were no other complainants at the time (not with the police or state medical board), so it was my word's against a dr's. the investigator noted that i wanted it to be on file in case another woman came in with a complaint and they could see the history. which is exactly what happened! the police followed up with me and did a good job...they cared. i feel good about everything that took place after that office visit.

down side is that i'll never truly know what happened there. he was an anesthesiologist. that shot could've drugged me, but might not have. there is a chunk of time that's not detailed in the report after there, and it was a very detailed report. i'll never know if he drugged me or i checked. therefore, i'll never know how much further things went in that office that day. i have to deal with that and place it. i also have to deal with the fact that i went into shock and did nothing to prevent him, except trying to deter him with words. i know that was reaction as a dissociative survivor. however, it's still hard.

bottom line...i feel really good about the way the police and i handled it after the fact. i have to deal with and place never knowing what may have happened (other than the gross that i already know...gross sexual imposition). i have to forgive myself for reaction and lack of actions in the office that day. so, i'm getting there.

i could prosecute criminally even now. i could sue him as well and more than likely win. however, i just want to place this. he'll never be a dr again and be in that position to hurt women and he's listed on the state and national levels as a sexual preditor. they're watching this man closely to this day.

he was jailed, put on 5 yrs probation, required to register nationally as a preditor, and will never practice medicine again (his license was permanently revoked. i'm satisfied.

thank you so much for your support,

kd

[allthegirls6]

You should get a medal and he should get his @???@@??@@>::!!! chopped off. Very well done to you. You ShOULD be proud of what you did.

All the girls

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((allthegirls))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much. i'd like to think that my report lying there helped the police to take the second complainant more seriously. they wired her and she was brave enough to go back and confront him wearing a wire! that's brave!

it was after that and it hit the news that EIGHT other women came out! ugh! there are probably many more who didn't come out, and probably many more whom he probably drugged and remember nothing. it's horrible.

the one regret...i was never tested at hospital for body evidence or any drug he may have used on me. i would've went full-fledged ahead if there was any proof in that way. it wasn't done tho. this was eight years ago and they weren't so quick to do those things. hindsight is 20/20. however, the police should've thought to do that, i think!

anyhow, thank you again. i think i can place this now with what i know, even though there is alot of mixed emotion and questions that will never be resolved and/or answered.

kd

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
i don't know what to feel. i feel everything. i can't believe this happened to me AGAIN in my adult life. is that my reason for being on this earth??? sometimes i wonder.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

you aren't on this earth to suffer. the ugly may have touched you in the past, but you are not ugly.

[ktp]

((((((((((((((((KD))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for all you went through. I guess the only consolation is he was punished (though not severely enough IMO)and hopefully the same thing won't happen to anyone else. Bless your heart. You deserve some good, my friend. You really do and I hope that you get it.

Take care you,
Kimberly.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((jennie))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((ktp)))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((everyone before)))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. it's been ugly and i'm gonna move past this stronger.

thank you,

kd

(((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))
Sorry this happened to you again. And NO it's not what you were put on this earth for. You're so much more then that and I can tell just by the way you help people on this forum.

[kelbelle65]

{{{{{{{KimmyDawn}}}}}} I'm so sorry you went through that. I was sexually harrassed by a dermatologist once and it was very scary to know that a doctor -- who takes an oath to "first, do no harm" -- would take a patient out of their comfort zone. It gives me the heebie jeebies. I feel guilty because I was young and I didn't know what sexual harrassment was and I still don't even know if what he did could be construed as "sexual" harrassment but he made me feel very uncomfortable on the examining table by ogling me in a really creepy way and saying I had really nice legs. It felt innappropriate and it scared me, so I guess my feelings about it are valid, no matter what it was. I mean, it's never appropriate for a doctor to "compliment" a patient on a body part, right? So anyway, I wish I had the wherewithal to report him or complain to someone. I hope he didn't hurt (or even make uncomfortable) any other patients. But I must forgive myself because I was raised with no self-esteem so I didn't know how to speak out for myself or tell anyone that what they were doing made me uncomfortable...

Sorry-- Kimmy Dawn, I got off on my own little memory there. What I wanted to say to you is-- you did the right thing and I'm sorry you are re-living it, but I guess some of our healing work involves re-living things so I wish you gentle healing and a safe process. Your support to everyone here on this forum is so sweet and so very appreciated. I hope we're all here for you in the same way.

Take good care,

Love,
Kelly