[valexand]

Hello All,

I really don't know how to approach this situation and was wondering if anyone out there has any advice.
The man I'm in love with (madly) is showing strange behavior when it comes to intimacy and physical closeness. He is 30 years old.
I know most of you think he's probably asexual or impotent...that might also be the case but there are little clues he leaves around which indicate that "something" strange, weird and scary happened to him in recent history. He won't open up.
I've tried and tried to get closer to him and to get him open up about what's wrong. I've never seen anyone with walls this high.
I can see him struggle with allowing me to be physically close to him. I can feel him getting scared when I lean in to simply hug him. He's fighting off intimacy and has expressed lack of trust in people. Some days are worse than others. Some days he's ok and I feel loved by him then, but there are other days where you can just see him sinking in depression and that's when he treats me like I'm a total stranger just out to get him!! Scary.

He has cut off all his friends (all of them have noticed a sharp shift in his behavior) and spends most of his time (probably all) inside his home, completely alone. So isolated! He plants his face only in work and has been following almost religiously martial art training and reads numerous self-improvement books and stuff about finding inner peace.
I know that he's trying to "fix" this, he's also visiting a therapist....but....what can I do about this? I was trying again to fish something out of him last night and the only info that slipped was "what happened to me, happened just once and it will never happen again!".

How can I help with this? I love him so much that it makes me scream inside with pain because I don't know how to help him and I really want to!!! I love him so much. I keep reminding him of how much I love him and of how he could trust me and tell me anything he wants.
Anybody out there know how to go about this? Should I just confront him with the question "Where you ever sexually assaulted?"....or would that question be too hurtful for him?
I love him so much, you have no idea.
Thank you for your time.

[skeksi]

You clearly care very much for this man. Your concern about how to navigate through this is going to help you both. Personally, I would feel cornered by a direct question. I never want to feel pushed into telling my story. But what does help is having someone quietly let me know that they are there, they are not pushing, and they love me unconditionally. Knowing that I have all the time and space I need helps me feel safe enough to tell.

[JustAPixie]

Hi valexand.

I know from experience that if a person doesn't want to talk about something, you can't force them to do it. All you can do is make sure that he knows that no matter what happened in his past, you will stick with him. Just let him feel safe and comfortable to talk. If he hasn't talked yet, I don't think it's going to happen soon. Maybe in time and with therapy he will get to that place where he can confide in you. There's not much to do in these situations...

[jenkins09]

I am going to give you the advice from a man who was sexually abused. He is probably feels shame about this, and your constant questioning of him is going to cause him to withdraw. If it were me, I would let him know how much you care about him, and let him know that when he feels safe enough to talk to you about it, that you are there. Everything has its own timing, and this is something you cant force, and trying to make him confront this before he is ready could have dire consequences.

[valexand]

Thanks guys. I love him to pieces and he is a complicated fellow.

@jenkins09: Although I haven't been asking him about anything, I have repeatedly told him that I care for him and that he can trust me with anything. I have given him my guarantee on this. However....he did withdraw, without an explanation. Last time I saw him he looked like a ghost, so I got incredibly worried and I sat him on the couch to ask him "what's wrong" and "if everything is ok".

One thing that slipped his tongue was "look, whatever happened to me, happened once and it won't happen again"!! And then he pretended to be sleepy just like how a kid would do when trying to avoid being further questioned. When I reminded him of how much I love him and care for him he stunned me by saying "you say that cause you're after something...I don't know what you're after, but you're after something".
This....THIS....broke me to pieces. I could not believe that all this time he had been unable to trust me. He doesn't trust me. After all my heartbreak. I've lost sleep over him and to have him say this.....unbearable.

I stopped going over to his place. Currently there is no contact from him at all. I think of him every minute of every day. No idea on how to proceed.

Thanks for your time.