I just realized...

I just realized that I don't know how it feels to be loved the right ways. With the abuse, (and that is sexual and emotional abuse) that I have either interpreted love in the wrong ways or I didn't let myself feel love in the right ways because I didn't feel I deserved to. Love to me equaled sex, being spoken to in sexual ways, or touched in sexual ways only. I cried and cried when I realized this. Its like I was grieving for that loss of not knowing love in the right ways for most of my life. I think, walls went up after when my dad was told about the abuse. Mom gave me the purest love I had ever known humanly that I can remember. But she's been gone so long, I don't remember what it had felt like so much. I mean, the hugs she gave, the way she expressed love for me. It was how it was supposed to be between a mother and daughter. But other than that, with men, I felt I only had one thing to offer them after the abuse. That is what love meant in my head. I think its even what I had based my marraige on too.

I guess now I need to learn how to get passed this and start letting myself learn how to feel love, the way its supposed to be in a normal way. How do I do this?? How do I let myself get passed what I thought love was for so much of my life?? UGH... when will all this figuring stuff out end...

This figuring out stuff is a journey. I always looked at it as yet another way to improve my life.

I would suggest starting in the moment in order to work through this. With every day evaluate how you spent your time. Which love were you seeking that day? How can you go about seeking the one kind and not the other?

"Real love" is a feeling - not an action. Love comes within, not outside. Love is something that you want to give to someone - not just your BODY but your soul ~ you would do ANYTHING, even to the point of giving up your life for someone - that's real love.

Love is both giving and receiving - but it is unselfish too. You don't put conditions on your love. If a man say "if you'll sleep with me, I'll love you" -- that's not real love. That's lust. If a man only tells you he loves you in bed, that's not real love. That's lust. If a man says "if you really loved me, you'll go to bed with me" - that's not love. That's lust.

When you REALLY fall in love with someone -- you'll know it. Nothing else will matter. You will think of no one else but this man. You will be walking on air; you will want nothing else to do with anyone else but him; you won't be able to sleep or eat; just the sight of him will put butterflies in your stomach; just hearing his voice on the phone makes your heart flutter. This might stop after 5 years. LOL But the love will never go away.

Yes, you'll know when it happens. It might take time. Be patient. God bless. Hugs, Lee

We don't think anyone ever figures out their whole life. Abuse survivors have different things to figure out, maybe, but everyone has to keep working on figuring out their relationships to others, and in the world. We like to remember that we're not the only ones struggling, and neither are you.
We think love is difficult to figure out for everyone, but we also think it is worth the struggle. ~Emma