hiding behind a label?

In therapy yesterday, T told me I need to stop using my emotional abuse as an excuse to not move on, or something like that. Something about always talking about "Poor me, I'm a victim." (and after only two sessions) Ouch! But he's right. I'm always going to be a victim, but I don't need to be advertising it or using it as a crutch to keep from moving on with my life.

I see him doing it to the kids too, though, so it always keeps me locked in the past, what he put me through. But T says I can't put the kids in the middle. My healing has to involve working on getting past what happened between the two of us, and leave the kids out.

My next assignment is writing down all the things I was attracted to in him and what I might still find attractive that's keeping me so emotionally invested in him after all these years. I've been thinking, and all I can come up with is having someone take care of everything. He's taking care of a new girlfriend now and I'm left to struggle on my own, and I miss that, even though it was because he had to control everything. Even though I resented not having much or any say in lots of things, I had almost zero responsibility outside of the kids. He took care of the yard, he took care of the bills, he took care of the cars, he took care of the household repairs. Geez, I think he even made most of the decisions on groceries.

So, yeah, I resent being responsible for everything and having no one to fall back on for anything, but it's what I wanted. I wanted my freedom and the ability to do what I want, when I want within reason. Of course there are going to be trade offs. Bad part is, I'm still letting him control my actions in some small way, so I really don't have the freedom I was hoping for.

I have to look at this more deeply. He's not taking care of me anymore, he's taking care of someone else, yet he still wants to call the shots regarding how I raise the kids and run my house? Oh hell no! I don't have to answer to him any more. I answer to me

When I asked T how I handle it when the ex wants an explanation for why I don't speak to him more often, when he says I'm being uncooperative because I'm not talking to him for hours and hours regarding the kids, T said I don't need to give him an explanation at all. I just need to change my behavior, period. I trust him. The boundary setting worked. It's hard breaking out of old behavior patterns, though, even if you aren't happy with the results. He used the old explanation of "mental health problems isn't what makes us crazy. Crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."

He's right, I know he's right. I have to change for me.

Thanks for sharing. I think it is awesome that you have recognized that in you.
Keep up the faithful work!

The hardest step for me was breaking the mold. I had been abused in some form or fashion for 12 years. starting when I was 6. THe way I thought, they way I acted, the way I treated people were all because I was scared to try to change things. Does that make sense?
I wanted to change but it was all that I had known. I didnt know how I would feel not being the way i was.

so you go girl!!!!! Take charge! even though it may seem scary at times. Remember we are here for you!!!!!!!!

Very good WI.

(((((((((((((((((((((WI))))))))))))))))))))