domestic violence

thanks not getting too full of hope over it though, but feeling a bit more able to face him.

I am so pleased to hear.

That sense of being more able is very empowering and I think it also leads the way to more positive stuff.

Ups and downs are inevitable. Just keep your head up high and be proud of what you have achieved!

still battling along. But safe

Is there a court order that specifies his visitation rights? Has he acknowledged paternity? Is there an order of support. If so, what does the order say?

My thought is you should be talking to a lawyer, not someone talking 50%. This guy should be subject to an order requiring supervised visitation. At the very least, the exchange should be at a neutral sight. You should not have to have contact with this guy.

But really, your children should have the benefit of supervised visitation based on this guys history of abuse. I would even ask the court to stop visitation until this guy has therapy and the testimony of a professional that visitation of any kind is safe.

Look in the Yellow pages under Attorneys for the number of the state bar association. Call and see if you are entitled to a free conference with a domestic relations attorney and whether you qualify for reduced rate or pro bono representation.

Good luck.

hi thanks for the advice, here in australia things can be tricky for mothers who have not reported the DV to the police. (how i wish i had!)
There are no court orders, because ive been advised by lawyers that he could and would most likely gain greater ammounts of unsupervised visitation if we went through court.
Due to the laws here that maintain that parents have a right to equal time with their children.
So far it seems to be going well except my son has come home sad a few times because his father will yell at him for things like ''tripping over''.
There is no one to report this to in australia anymore as our childrens protection services only deal with cases where a child is at risk of significant harm.

and now he's after me trying to create doubt about how I parent my child

Dont let him. U know what he is doing. So dont let him put doubts in your mind.

In fact - each time he criticises u tell him to stop right there. Just say stop and if need bw raise your hand up in front of your body in a sign of stop.

I will try. I am going to get some advice on it, legal or just from a family therapist.

Leave his presence. You don't need to hang around and listen to that.

thankyou. Its a horrible feeling, and his new fiancee is there standing over me too.
Don't like being ganged up on.

So do you have a plan for next time?

no and its today.
Actually I do, I will say.
''the tone you are using, and what u are saying is not appropriate in front of our child'
And then move myself physically away.

Great! Where does all of this take place?

Abusers rarely change; I was with one for 36 years, until I found the book which saved my life; The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; I feel this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet.

Don't ever get used to violence......they ususally stop maturing at about age 12-13, and are full of rage at whatever was done to them in the past. They are like vampires and constantly need their "fix"---which is.....you constantly explaining yourself endlessly. They are excruciatingly insecure.

All you can do is limit your time with them; refuse to answer crazy conversations; stick to the point; walk away or hang up phone if he persists in his verbal tirades; Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is another excellent book ...Hugs and Love, sweetie

Did you get the legal advice and therapist advice?

You are right in thinking about the kids. They should not hear one parent criticise another about how they are raised in this way.

But even if there were no kids - no one should talk to you this way.

Just some food for thought: if you say to him - do not speak this way in front of the kids - what would the kids learn from it? that its ok to speak like that not in front of them, that there are 2 realities: one when they are around and one when they are not and that its ok to lie.

If you say to him - you have no right to criticise me and i would like you stop right there - your kids learn that you are assertive and would not take this kind of behaviour. They will learn to stand up for themselves too.

Now - if he is threatening or scary - make sure you do not see him and i know its hard - but try to find a way to minimise your kids exposure to him too.

As for his fiance - just ignore it. she will learn sooner or later who he really is....

Hi Rapid,
I'm new here, but not new to your problem. Is there any way you could use a friend or family member to do the exchanges for you until you feel stronger?

(((hugs rapid cycla)))))

hi we meet in public , I will remember that its true, I should just say that its inappropriate to talk to me in that manner.
And let that be enough.
I got as much advice as I possibly could from child protective services, legal aid and a counsellor from a family centre.
For now day visits seem ok, but he keeps pushing me for overnight,
I say no, go get counselling , earn the right to have the overnight or take me to court.
But he just asks again the next visit.
But I won't
Be moved on this.

Thankyou. And everyone else too!

You are meeting in public to exchange the children then this is all that I would listen or respond to. If he tries to expand the conversation beyond what is needed to exchange the children, say good bye and leave.

You are very welcome xx

Im looking for an attorney who does pro bono work for my divorce from my abusive husband. I can't afford $2,500 for an attorney to start the process.

Perhaps a women's resource center could help you find the attorney you need.

I relate to having to deal with abusers in my everyday life.

Sometimes many of us still have to.

But as long as we know we are okay...we are not what they do to us.

We are better than that!

It is better when we don't have to deal with them at all, but sometimes we have to.

I know.

Just keep on being mindful and stay safe as best you can.

Billi

thank u billi
I really apreciate that.
To many people i must sound like a weak fool by still dealing with him, but life and law are complicated
Its nice to hear from someone who just gets it.
Xxxx