[Kamini]

I am new on this forum, but not new to the journey of healing.

These past days I have been feeling the deep seatedness of my my self-blame and self-judgment from the sexual abuse of my childhood. In looking at this a confusion has arisen regarding what is my shadow and what is not.. the repressed feelings and emotions, I know, are mine.

It is a projection or image in my psyche of the abuser.. a masculine image that is oppressive.

In Jungian terms, it would be said that this is an animus image in my subconscious, formed from my early experiences with the masculine in my life.. my father.. how my psyche adopted/saw this aspect of the masculine.

I saw myself in a recent dream, as a child, fighting off an (abusive) man, with my anger and rage. He retreated. I woke from the dream very present, very grounded.. feeling the need of my inner-self for the embrace of my love and acceptance.. that young me that had to fight so hard to protect herself.

Since this dream, this image, this psychic element/imprint, has been very present in my consciousness. It feels like I am facing, very directly, this imprint/impression in my psyche.

The anger, the rage no longer feels right.

Blame is not the answer.

Self-acceptance and self-responsibility is.

A little perplexed right now and welcome input, as how to regards this image.

Kamini

[bipolar_bear]

I certainly know very little about Jungian psychology. However I do believe that one needs to put the blame, or I interpret your use of self - responsibility, where it belongs and that is with the abuser. You were the one that was hurt and not them. It is the abuser that should feel the remorse not you. I agree that acceptance of what happened is important but not accepting that what happened is correct. I am sorry but I may be misunderstanding what you are saying but I hope you find the peace you are seeking. Good luck with your journey and I look forward to your posts letting us know the details of your quest. Take care.

[JustBen]

It's interesting how dreams can help us sort things out. (Mine never seem to make much sense, though.) Do you think you feel better because you got to "fight back" in a way that you weren't able to when you were younger?

[Kamini]

Hello Bi-Polar Bear,

I feel you are on track with what you share.

I know that we can go 'round and 'round in our stories in the healing journey.. and there comes the time when we approach more deeply the core issues/beliefs in our psyche.. and thereby recover from them our power to heal. So much of it all stems from the mind.. the impressions created therein as we grow and develop in the world (in abusive circumstances).. when we face these, we are able to decharge the energy of the emotional body, to decharge the experience/memory of abuse and the labelling and assigning of blame, to self or others.

We eradicate the false self.. and recover the truth of our deepest essence.

I cannot choose, or even want or wish, for another (the abuser) to feel remorse. I cannot make another take blame. I cannot effect anything in their life. I cannot control any other. To want to try to do so would still be the child in me hoping and waiting for someone to make something right, to take it all back, yaddah, yaddah.

No, it was not "correct," it was not right.. to ever deny another the right to know the truth of their being, their inner beauty.. to weild that kind of power and control over another, is never right. But I can choose to control and to know my own self/Self.. to honor the pain through which I have grown.. to be grateful for the depths of human experience that have brought me so deeply to the core of my heart and soul.

Where I used the term self-responsibility it was with meaning that we alone have the power to heal ourselves.. no one can do it for us.. we cannot change what was/is.. but we can choose to see differently, to see another perspective.. to see our wholeness.. we can choose to stop paying our dues to our stories.. we can choose to see them as the stepping stones to wholeness when we touch deeply the innermost yearning of our soul.. which I feel for us all.. is to know ourselves as love. None can do this for us. We must do it ourselves.

You are right in saying that the child of me is "not" responsible for what happened.. but I am responsible to assure her (myself of this) and to give her the life that she deserves.

I feel that in the healing journey we often go on subconsciously looking for the parent, the mother, the father, who would have been what the child hoped for and needed, the image of a loving caring god (which is what parents are to their children, the institution of god, in a very real sense).. and what we have to do is to become our own parent.. we have to grow the loving mother and father god inside of ourselves to give to ourselves the life that we deserve.

I feel that this recent dream and image is showing how I am standing up to and taking my power back from the abusive/oppressive imprint in my psyche.

Jungian analysis/therapy is all about self-responsibility.. in the sense that it is actually a very spiritual model of therapy that recognizes the need for the integration of the psyche/soul.. that the healer rests within. We could say it is a journey to "Self".. finding our unique expression in life.. our gift to give to the world.

Best Wishes,
Kamini

[Kamini]

Hi JustBen,

I feel that what it really showed was how the image of the abuser "retreated".. meaning I would stop unconsciously abusing myself with this memory/experience. What I did not share, that it also showed, was the young girl who had given up/succumbed to the abuse. In the dream, I was asking her why she allowed it to happen, why she allowed herself to be abused. She told me, you will give up too. "No, I will not!" I told her very adamantly.. and then proceeded to beating this man away down the stairs of my childhood home. In real life, I was a fighter, as a child.. but that fighter was protecting this part of me (this aspect) of my psyche, who did feel so helpless as to have given up. Normally, when there is a strength, there is a weakness that it is protecting. I feel our job is to learn to stand in the middle and love all of ourself. Waking from that dream I felt the deep need of that child.. the one who had given up.. for my love. It was she I fought all those years for. I felt her inside of me.. and was full of incredible compassion and warmth for her. She came home to me.. and I am filling her full of love.. reassuring her that she did nothing wrong.

You see, as a child, I once witnessed an older sister cry out to my mother for help (because my father was molesting her by night).. and my mother (also a victim of abuse, powerless, emotinally absent and unable to accept the despair in her home) angrily blamed my sister.. saying why do you let him do it? Ofcourse, my sister, in tears, said, "Mom, he is stronger than me."

That is when the young child I was learned to become a fighter.. but it also was when she learned to give up because none would help her, not even Mom.

That Mom became my own inner Mom, too, in a sense.

You can see these reflections in my dream.

Dreams are very powerful in the healing journey.. for they show us what has been/is occurring in the subconscious. I feel this is where the healing needs to occur, at/from these deeper levels.

When I dream it is like I am recovering pieces of my soul.. it is like a coming home.. growing into wholeness and understanding of how my life experiences have shaped me.

Working with them takes some time.. symbols more vague at first, but as we learn to work with them, it all becomes clearer.

I feel the subconscious is always trying to show us what we need to heal.

Kamini