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  #151  
Old Jun 02, 2011, 07:40 PM
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((((AL)))) Please don't give up hope! You can do this. I agree with trying to find out what is out there as far as other therapy options. You might be able to find one at a sliding fee, and even if you only go once a month or however often you can afford, at least its something.

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  #152  
Old Jun 04, 2011, 03:11 PM
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I can't stand being here anymore. My best friend just left on a date with the guy that I like. i hate her. She doesn't even care that it's hurting me. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to go away somewhere that I don't have to feel anything. I'm tired of living in pain and I won't do it anymore.
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"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
  #153  
Old Jun 04, 2011, 04:10 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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I am very sorry and worried to hear of your pain. How best can you get help? Is it at all possible to speak to your parents? If not, who are some other responsible adults? If no one comes to mind, please please call 1-800-273-TALK and speak to the trained, caring listeners there.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #154  
Old Jun 04, 2011, 04:58 PM
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Autumnleaves
I want to tell you there is hope. I have lived my whole life filled with shame and guilt. I dont remember much of my childhood, but what there is is bad, filled with shame. I have all the red flags of being sexually abused. I went back to college in my forties and through the classes I was taking memories of the emotional and physical abuse came back to me. I volunteered to take part in an pscyhology project on abuse for extra credit and that brought back even more. I too used up my free counseling sessions. I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, I am bipolar on top of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I was diagnosed with from the childhood abuse. I was hospitalized twice, went through oodles of trying different meds to address the bipolar, but after three years of working on it, life is unbelievably better. You have to consider I am 47 years old so three years is not a lot of time when I have lived so long in all this misery. And they havent been a miserable three years either. I havent been depressed for about 2 1/2 of them, which was a big issue for me. Suicidal depressions were bad, for months total hopelessness. The big portion of this time has been getting the manias under control. So the work is really worth it. I was against meds, but reached a point where I just really never wanted to feel the way I was feeling ever again,I was tired of the shame, tired of hurting myself, tired of the over reations, the hurt, the pain, the wanting to die. and i dont live that way any more. Right now I still struggle to find meaning in life, but I can say what I do has meaning and I take joy in the things I do. So there is hope, there is a way out. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for this!
*doodles*, autumnleaves
  #155  
Old Jun 04, 2011, 07:16 PM
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I'm so sorry you're friend is doing that to you. Is this the roommate?? Does she know you like him?
I know what it feels like to just be done with it all. But you owe it to yourself to keep on going. Don't let what others have done to you bring you down. You gotta realize you are worth SO much more than this, and you will get there someday.
I'm here for you
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #156  
Old Jun 05, 2011, 01:01 AM
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autumnleaves autumnleaves is offline
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I'm sorry guys. I'm quite a bit more stable now. We talked it out a little bit. I know that it's fair that she's dating him because he likes her. I'm just jealous that no one likes me. That's the big problem. I'm trying really hard not to give up. I appreciate everyone's support.
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"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
*doodles*, Bill3
  #157  
Old Jun 05, 2011, 01:07 AM
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Can't Stop Crying Can't Stop Crying is offline
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Still supporting you...I'm short on words lately, but wanted to let you know I'm sorry it's so tough on you right now!
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Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou


Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #158  
Old Jun 05, 2011, 05:10 AM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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I'm glad and so relieved that you are more stable now!
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #159  
Old Jun 08, 2011, 10:22 AM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by autumnleaves View Post
I'm just jealous that no one likes me. That's the big problem.
Could you be doing anything to make yourself inaccessible? This really is common. People do it to protect themselves. I am personally very well versed in this!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #160  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 09:56 AM
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Hey guys. I had a T session today. We had to delve back into the specifics of really hard memories/experiences today. I'm basically having to recall a lot of stuff again since he's a new T. I gave him way more specific information than I would have been able to 7 months ago. I am so frustrated that this is taking such a long time. I feel guilty that I've been allowed to exceed the maximum number of sessions at the counseling center. This week has been VERY rough. My car just broke down. Me and my best friend have had a few MAJOR fights this week. We have apologized and made up, but things are still painful with the dating situation. Even though I gave my T some pretty specific details about what happened between my sister and I, he's asking me to repeat the kind of language that I had to read in my sister's cyber-sex chats. I don't think I can say those words. It makes me almost panic to think about saying them. Why does he insist that I do this? I'm much more stable right now than when I wrote the panicked message. There are a few bright spots in my life. Not everything is bad, right? I'm sorry for being a downer. Thanks SO MUCH again you guys.

P.S. Sannah, I think I *might* be doing that, but I'm not sure how to know or how to fix it.
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #161  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 04:04 PM
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Sorry AL - therapy is tough work and DOES take a long time. Only share what you feel comfortable sharing, don't let your T pressure you beyond your boundaries. You are so strong, keep fighting for the healing you deserve!
__________________
Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou


Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #162  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 05:46 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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Quote:
I gave him way more specific information than I would have been able to 7 months ago.
Good work!

Quote:
I am so frustrated that this is taking such a long time.
Yes, trauma work can take a long time and be very frustrating. I'm sorry.

Quote:
I feel guilty that I've been allowed to exceed the maximum number of sessions at the counseling center.
Presumably, they allow you extra sessions because they have the time. I doubt that you are taking slots away from other students. You could ask T about it.

Quote:
This week has been VERY rough.
I'm sorry. The frustration has been piling up.

Quote:
I don't think I can say those words. It makes me almost panic to think about saying them. Why does he insist that I do this?
A common technique in therapy is to gradually expose the client to feared or disliked stimuli. The idea is that the client can gradually get used to them and come to realize that they have no real power over her/him.

Quote:
I'm much more stable right now than when I wrote the panicked message.
Good! Thanks for letting us know.

Quote:
There are a few bright spots in my life. Not everything is bad, right?
Right! Would you be willing to share a bright spot or two with us?
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #163  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 11:30 PM
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autumnleaves autumnleaves is offline
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Thanks, guys. I think T and I will have to negotiate a compromise about the language that was in those chats. The last time I tried doing something similar to that, I was thrown into a week-long panic that resulted in a crisis call. It was not good. Another question for you guys: I have been struggling with suicidal ideation and I don't know whether or not it's a good thing to bring up to my T. Emotions have been an insane roller coaster recently. I know that my T is obligated to contact the appropriate people if he feels that I am an immediate danger to myself or others, but my ideation is too passive for the threat to be immediate. I so appreciate everyone's patience. Bill3, you have been especially kind and patient with me. It helps SO MUCH to have friends here who care. In response to your question, Bill3, I would definitely be willing to share some bright spots. I have 15, yes 15, nieces and nephews that love to be around me. I go to a church that provides an awesome community of friends and support. I have a true best friend. I have the fortune to have parents who care about me and are kind and supportive. I will have a bachelor's degree in music education in two years from one of the foremost Universities and Schools of Music in the United States. I have some fledgling hope for the future that is, although fragile, existent nonetheless. Those are some bright spots.
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #164  
Old Jun 10, 2011, 03:19 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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Quote:
Thanks, guys. I think T and I will have to negotiate a compromise about the language that was in those chats.
Good idea, as CSC suggested!

Quote:
I have been struggling with suicidal ideation and I don't know whether or not it's a good thing to bring up to my T. Emotions have been an insane roller coaster recently. I know that my T is obligated to contact the appropriate people if he feels that I am an immediate danger to myself or others, but my ideation is too passive for the threat to be immediate.
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with suicidal ideation. It is very important to discuss those thoughts. I suppose that you are concerned that T might call for an intervention when you are not immediately suicidal. That is not supposed to happen; therapists do discuss suicidal ideation with clients. However, if you are concerned, you could consider asking him to explain his approach to this issue.

Naturally, if you ask him, he will infer that you have suicidal ideation and presumably will ask about it. If you are not comfortable with him, you do not have to answer his questions. However, I do hope that you will be able to discuss these thoughts with T. And: I very much want you to ask for help right away if you are ever feeling imminently self-destructive (1-800-273-TALK).

Quote:
I so appreciate everyone's patience. Bill3, you have been especially kind and patient with me.
Thank you very much for your kind words.

Quote:
In response to your question, Bill3, I would definitely be willing to share some bright spots. I have 15, yes 15, nieces and nephews that love to be around me.
Wow! How wonderful!--for them and for you!

Quote:
I go to a church that provides an awesome community of friends and support. I have a true best friend. I have the fortune to have parents who care about me and are kind and supportive. I will have a bachelor's degree in music education in two years from one of the foremost Universities and Schools of Music in the United States. I have some fledgling hope for the future that is, although fragile, existent nonetheless. Those are some bright spots.
You do have good bright spots! I like your expression: fledgling hope. Continue to nurture that hope, and treat her gently. Know that I continue to keep you in my daily prayers.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #165  
Old Jun 10, 2011, 10:11 PM
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Can't Stop Crying Can't Stop Crying is offline
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Just want to reiterate what Bill said - T's rarely act on passive suicide ideation, it's more when it's active suicidal thoughts with a plan. It's a good idea to share these with your T. Sometimes it helps just to "share" the burden of the thoughts with someone IRL. I've talked to my T about thoughts and he and I have always had an understanding that thoughts are thoughts and best expressed - if the thoughts were to change and become more dangerous, well, he wants to know about that too and we come up with a safety plan together.
__________________
Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou


Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves, Sannah
  #166  
Old Jun 13, 2011, 01:48 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by autumnleaves View Post
I feel guilty that I've been allowed to exceed the maximum number of sessions at the counseling center.
You don't deserve special treatment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by autumnleaves View Post
P.S. Sannah, I think I *might* be doing that, but I'm not sure how to know or how to fix it.
First things first. You are working on good stuff now. Put this on your list of things to get to?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #167  
Old Jun 13, 2011, 07:54 PM
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Thank you everyone. I'm trying to stay positive and keep working. I so appreciate all of your help.
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Sannah
  #168  
Old Jun 13, 2011, 09:38 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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Thank you for the update!

Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #169  
Old Jun 14, 2011, 10:45 PM
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I wanted to give a short update. It's been very painful to watch my best friend get closer and closer to a guy that I was really interested in. However, I had a moment last night that I felt like I could move on and be happy for her. It's just hard because I rarely allow myself to feel those kind of feelings for a man and it seems cruel that one of the only times I have allowed it, I get shot down in the worst way possible aside from someone dying. Anyway, the depression is somewhat on a reprieve for now. I have T tomorrow, and I am expecting it to be a really hard session so wish me luck!
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Sannah
  #170  
Old Jun 14, 2011, 10:59 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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And thank you for the update. I was happy to hear about that moment last night in which you felt you could move on and even be happy for her. That was a significant advance and, it sounds like, a hard-earned one as well.
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
  #171  
Old Jun 16, 2011, 04:43 PM
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Thanks. Last night, me and both of my roommates (as opposed to just the one dating the guy) had a HUGE blowout. The end result was that we talked it out and they told me that my behavior has been hurting them. I am going to talk to my "pastor" (he's not actually called that) about some of the things that have been painful for me as of late. I apologized, and they accepted. I feel really beaten down right now. I agree with what they told me and believe that they were being ernest. All of this seems insurmountable right now. In other news, I FINALLY shared my pornography addiction with my T. Thanks for all of your support when I need it the very most.
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #172  
Old Jun 16, 2011, 06:58 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Sounds like everyone, including you, handled all of this really well. It is okay to have issues to work on. You can do this.

Good work being open with your T.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves, Bill3
  #173  
Old Jun 16, 2011, 11:25 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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I agree with Sannah. It's normal to feel beaten down after a blowout with friends/roommates, and about having to apologize to someone. But talking things through to a conclusion--making an apology--making a major breakthrough with T--these are very positive steps.

Excellent work!



Do you want to say a little more about how things went with T?
Thanks for this!
*doodles*, autumnleaves
  #174  
Old Jun 17, 2011, 12:24 AM
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autumnleaves autumnleaves is offline
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I'm feeling really anxious. I just don't know how to feel any better. It's so overwhelming to not be able to do anything right.
__________________
"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #175  
Old Jun 17, 2011, 07:30 AM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety. It makes sense that you would have negative feelings after the huge blowout and the taxing session with T. Please tell T about feelings of anxiety when you next see him.

Talking to your "pastor" sounds promising. What ideas for self-soothing might be helpful now? Maybe music or TV on Hulu, as you mentioned before?
Thanks for this!
autumnleaves
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