Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

You are so brave for returning home with your sister there. I imagine it is stirring up memories and feelings and leaving you overwhelmed. Sorry it is so tough on you right now! The one thing I can tell you for sure is that in processing trauma, there are so many ups and downs. I hope that things start to look up for you soon. I am rooting for you!

Hey AL, how are things?? I'm thinking about you! I hope your week is going better

I'm thinking about you too! Check in when you can and let us know how you are doing!

Thanks guys. I'm doing ok for now. I had a few REALLY rough days when I went back to my apartment in my college town to have my session with the T. I have traveled to my parents' house and back to my apartment and then back to my parents' house. I'm going back to my apartment on Wednesday for another T session and then coming back to my parents' house on Friday to go with them on a trip to visit my grandparents. During my rough days, I literally slept all day, was irritable and extremely depressed, and even had a huge fight with my best friend. Is it normal to go through a period of fluctuation with medication when you've just started it? I'm finding that I'm just really confused and sad and depressed. I have a lot of feeling of being indignant and hurt and angry about the abuse, but my sister is so different that I can't blame her for it. So where do those feelings go? I think that I blame myself just to have somewhere to place the blame. I also get angry that I'm responsible for a porn addiction because of what happened. I almost feel like I could be fairly optimistic about the future if it weren't for the porn. I can't envision a happy future for myself that includes porn. It's nasty, disgusting, and soul-ruining stuff and it makes me feel like the scum of the earth. BUT for the moment, right now, I am doing alright. Sorry for all of the negativity ((

It takes time, but I think eventually you will reach a place of healing. Meds can make you feel out of sorts in the beginning when your body is adjusting to them. For me, the worst time has been the first 2-4 weeks.

Sorry for the rough days...you are doing a great job of muddling through. You have a lot on your plate right now and I imagine things will settle a tiny bit when you return to your apartment.

I think everyone has negative coping skills, they just manifest in different ways. For you it may be porn, for me it is SI and sui ideation and isolation. As you continue on your path to healing, I believe the porn addiction will become more manageable. It was NOT your fault...remind yourself of that. All you can do is work on the person you are today. Easier said than done, right?!?!

I am glad that you are okay for at least part of the time. I'm sorry, though, that you had those very rough few days and events.

You have been under an extraordinary amount of stress; maybe your doctor could say whether or not the stress affects the helpfulness of the medication.

What if you blame the 15-year-old (?) version of her, but not the woman she is now?

Could your therapist help with that?

If you could feel that you were moving in the right direction, making progress on the porn addiction, would you be equally angry with yourself? Or could you have a bit of optimism then?

I am keeping you in mind daily.

This is good insight. I hope that you discuss this with your T.

Do you think that you are punishing yourself with the porn somewhat?

I'm sorry to hear things have been rough lately. I agree with what I think CSC said that the porn will slowly go away as you begin to heal from the SA. I really do believe that. Please don't beat yourself up about it. We all have our issues, be gentle with yourself and you WILL heal. I'm thinking of you

Even though I haven't been around much this week....I am still keeping you in my thoughts!

It seems as though quite a bit of my reading brings you to mind, autumnleaves! I sent you a private message the other day. Besides that, I came across the following tonight:

To Bill3,
I agree that I should focus the blame on the person she was at the time of the abuse. I do think that bringing up the displaced anger would be helpful. Also, I think I would feel enormously relieved if I could make a positive step with the porn addiction. I so appreciate the included section of Yancey's book. I feel like it directly applies to me and my situation quite well.

To Sannah,
I think that I do in fact punish myself with the porn. I still haven't told my T about the porn. I'm terrified to tell.

Doodle,
Thank you for all of your kindness. You make me feel a little less alone in a very lonely world.

To CSC,
Thank you for you kind words and your thoughts. I need all of the good vibes I can get.

As for general commentary,
My T session was canceled this week because my T's wife went into labor. Also, if I haven't mentioned it before, he is the supervisor of my old T. The office doesn't know when he'll be back in so I have to call if I don't get a call from them by Tuesday. It makes me anxious that I wasn't able to have T this week, but in all fairness he did warn me that he would have to cancel on me last minute at some point. I very much miss my old therapist, not because my current one is bad or anything, but just because I had such a good and established relationship with her. There are certain things that are different about talking to a woman than with a man. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I unfortunately am still struggling with feeling very very depressed and weighed down. I am hoping that when my summer routine becomes more regular, things will calm down a bit. The sheer enormity of the burdens that I have unearthed in therapy is overwhelming me. However, there is something inside of me that is still fighting like hell. This post makes me think of two things. One is a lyric of the song "I'm Sensitive" by Jewel and the second is an Emily Dickinson poem called "Hope". Maybe hope is the thing fighting like hell? I live by the word hope and even wear a ring on my right thumb that says hope. As always, thank you all for all of your kindness. It means more to me than I can adequately express.

"I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see"
Jewel

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

Emily Dickinson

I hope that you will see beauty in these:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...86-2007%29.jpg

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...lfordSound.jpg

http://flowersnamess.com/wp-content/...Of-Flowers.jpg

http://ontfin.com/Word/wp-content/up...09/07/rfwa.jpg

http://thundafunda.com/33/World-tour...20pictures.jpg

http://www.photoend.com/data/media/4...%20Iceland.jpg

Love that quote and poem!
Just keep hanging in there, AL! I hope your new T comes back soon!

Just letting you know that I am still reading and supporting you all the way! I wish I had some amazing words to make things easier for you - you have such an amazing spirit! You can get through these struggles. I believe in you!

Hi autumnleaves, I just want you to know that I am keeping you in mind. I hope that you were able to do some good things this weekend.

Thank you Bill3. Things still pretty much stand as they have been. I got to visit my grandma and grandpa and some other relatives this weekend in their home state. It was enjoyable. I still feel like a stranger in my skin. I wonder if it's even worth it to fix me? What is there waiting out there that's any better than this?

It is definitely worth it to fix you. You are worth it, and don't ever believe otherwise. I know it seems tough and overwhelming right now, but it can happen. There are tons of success stories here. You just have to hold onto hope and keep going. Don't give uo!! It will get better.

You would be incredibly surprised. My life is 2000% better after working on things with the assistance of therapy.

I'm glad that you got to have some good experiences over the weekend.

Would you be willing to say a little more about this feeling?

Part of being depressed often is feeling that things can't ever get better, I'm not worth it, why bother to try?

That is the voice of depression--the truth is that things can get better, and you are worth it.

What I mean, I guess, is that I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a terrible person, but I know that I try so hard to be good. I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel competent as a musician. I don't feel competent as a Christian or as a person. I feel that I will never marry happily or have children. It's so hard to believe that this can get better. I've been struggling for over half my life. I'm not trying to throw a pity party either. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think I'm only being offered therapy until July and I don't think I can do much in the space of time. My insurance won't cover therapy and beside that, my parents STILL don't now that I'm receiving therapy. I feel hopeless. I am doubting that I have any purpose but to be pathetic.

I'm sorry that you are feeling hopeless and pathetic and not competent right now.

Feelings can mislead: There is still hope, even when you feel hopeless.

You are not feeling competent as a musician: what are your professors' views about that? You did just pass a demanding audition. Again: feelings can mislead.

You are not feeling competent as a Christian: me too. <sigh> I fear that that comes with the territory--would you agree? As we discussed before: in the Bible, God welcomes, and answers, prayers of all sorts of people. I am keeping you in my prayers daily.

And: what, for you, is required to feel competent as a person?

It is very hard to experience frequent changes in therapist and in the availability of therapy. Perhaps you and T can discuss how to cope if/when you are not in therapy.

Might it ever be possible and constructive to tell your parents about therapy, or does that seem impossible and potentially unhelpful right now?

hi autmn
i totally get it. i was abused by my uncle and have also been raped. so i totally understand the feeling of worthlessness. its a difficult to handle but i have found once i said the words then i could start to heal from it. i think you never get over it you just learn to deal with it . sometimes day by day. remember you DID NOT do this or ask for it. you need to take your power back. i feel your pain and i am here if u need me. (((((autmunleaves))))

This is a good assessment of what you need to work on.
Where did your hope go?

About your therapy and insurance coverage, so you need to ask about how long this therapy is for?

If there is a Will, There is a Way........

I was violated by a girl and I am a girl. It sometimes feels hard because you are afraid you will be judged or mistreated because people don't understand/ or comprehend the fact that it was a woman. I encourage you to continue getting the help you need because you deserve to be free from inner turmoil and pain. MY parents don't know I am in therapy either..I actually have a university counselor and a private practice counselor...so I have two! it hurts me inside that I can't share my struggle with them. you keep pushing forward and pushing through... My university offers referrals where you might be able to see a therapist on a sliding scale, for a less amount of money, and even if you go periodically, you could just use your loan money ( when you really feel the need) or my sessions end after 16 times but, my university offers group counseling that is continued year round. research all your sources...and see whats out there...before panicking... I'm sure your a beautiful young woman and there is much hope for you. <3 as there is for me.

your pain is valid and real. and just as important as anyone else. believe that.

your in my thoughts <3

I am still keeping you in my thoughts autumnleaves!