Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

I will definitely tell him. It's just an effort to get through each day and since both of my roommates know about my issues (one of them only partially--I found the courage to tell my best friend the whole truth) I have felt almost claustrophobic and anxious being in the apartment with them, especially because I did some things that were pretty out of hand like locking my roommate out of our room and slapping her on the arm and cursing a lot. I also ended bawling in front of the roommate that was previously unaware. I just feel utterly vulnerable right now and I hope that I will start feeling more comfortable again soon. I feel that my behavior is very difficult to control sometimes. I've also identified several triggers that, rather than making me feel depressed, make me extremely and suddenly irate. I will definitely talk to my pastor, but it will be very difficult. Self soothing ideas include the ones you mentioned, Bill3, as well as meditation and maybe reading or playing tetris online. As far as my last session, I was able to talk fairly calmly about things that bother me a lot. I was able to be pretty specific about the things that I have struggled with as far as pornography and other similar things. My T is relatively familiar with the doctrine of my particular sect of Christianity, so that helps. Thank you SO MUCH for listening and being kind. I never forget your kindness!

I know you feel like you aren't doing anything right, but you are doing so much!!!! You are facing your issues(some people never do this), you are working on fixing them(going to T, talking to pastor, sharing with friend), you are going to school(and doing well), you are resolving conflict and working your hardest to keep your friendships strong, and I am sure many, many more things. I think you are very brave!!! I'm always here! And you are not alone.

How does that make it an effort?

Wow. You are doing so well. You have a lot of courage! I am proud of you.

After what you described happening, it makes sense that you feel vulnerable and a little out of control.

Excellent! Do you want to talk about any of them?

Good luck. Don't forget the parable about the two men praying, the one proud, scorning the other, the other humble one.

You might enjoy this video.

(I may have mentioned it before......)

Argh!! They want to put the actual video right here, with elisha goldstein's image smack in the middle of this post! Noooo!!

Here, go to youtube and search for this:

STOP: a short mindfulness practice

*****

You mentioned online games. Do you like Scrabble? There is an online "Scrabble Sprint" game for one person,

http://www.merriam-webster.com/game/index.htm

(scroll down a little when you get to the page)


This is also excellent work. What was his reaction?

autumnleaves, thank you for your kind words. You feel low, but, as doodle3609 just said, you have done a lot--many many positive steps. Again, I hope it is okay to say with you for me to say: I am proud of you.

I agree with Doodle you are doing a lot of things right. Seems like you are facing your circumstances right now and this is one of the first steps to tackling them (as opposed to being in denial about your issues). You are doing good work.

I talked to my pastor. It went very well. He is a very kind man. I appreciate everyone's kind words. I will give a more detailed response later.

It means a lot to me when you are able to use a .

Thanks for letting us know how it went!

Ok, here's the detailed report, . It makes me happy to be able to use a too!

To explain what I meant by saying that every day is an effort because my roommates know, I meant that it was embarrassing for a while to be that vulnerable in front of both of them. I was crying and all out of sorts and I'm not used to expressing how I'm feeling so openly. However, after about a week, I feel mostly normal around them again.

Thanks so much for calling me courageous and being proud of me. It means more than I can adequately express! The triggers that I've noticed are basically all related to feeling like I don't matter, feeling like I'm not being listened to, and feeling like I'm someone's last choice. Thank you so much for the video and the game idea! I love games that are simple and fun to play!

T's reaction to the porn was that he was proud of me for sharing it and assured me that 8 months was not a long time for that confession to take because I felt a little insecure about it having taken so long to tell him. We also talked more specifics about the porn today during my session. He told me that people who have survived abuse often feel the compulsion to replicate certain aspects of the abuse. We also discussed content and determined that the content doesn't matter much except that two things that bother me that I don't like to watch are violence and actresses who are dressed or characterized to seem young or child-like. He asked me to record how I'm feeling when I feel the compulsion to watch porn. We also discussed how I feel before, during, and after and how some of it is driven by sexual aspects, but most of it is an emotional/mental aspect. He also wanted me to record how I'm feeling when I feel triggered to be angry or overly defensive.

I have basically been doing really well at controlling my behavior towards my roommates and my friend's boyfriend. I found a coping mechanism that T said was awesome today. I found a white noise maker online that plays three different frequencies (white, pink, and brown noise). I found that the brown option sounds like a box fan. When I was growing up, we didn't have air conditioning and most of the kids lived in second floor bedrooms (where the heat from downstairs would rise), so we would cool our rooms with box fans at the foot of our beds. Also, growing up, Pearl Jam was one of my sister Liz's (not the sister that abused me, but the one I always felt safe with) favorite bands. She specifically played the songs "Better Man" and "Off He Goes" almost every night when I was very young. All of this predated the abuse. So, when I play the brown noise and the Pearl Jam songs together, I feel very safe and calm. This has helped me recently to come down from feeling very upset or angry. I plan to find more coping techniques after I've identified some feelings attached to my behaviors and triggers.

As far as the meeting with my pastor, like I said, it went very well. He is a kind, loving, and understanding man. He understood and sympathized about the relation of the porn and the abuse. He also praised me for seeking professional help in a therapist. He was very supportive of the efforts that I am already making to try to heal. He also shared some personal insight to my issues and assured me that, should I ever need to talk to him or for him to give me a blessing, that he is always willing to do so. He helped me set some short, medium, and long term goals. The short term goals are to resume daily prayers and scripture study. The medium goals are to be ready to receive the special blessing that members of my religion usually receive as young adults or teenagers by the end of the summer, which would involve some significant progress with the porn addiction. The long term goals are to have significantly overcome the porn addiction and to have achieved consistent prayer and study and forgiveness. I feel very lucky to have the support of such amazing people as you, Bill3, CSC, Doodle, my friends, my T, and my pastor, as well as others!!

Doodle, thank you so much for being there with me and being understanding! It means a lot to have someone who has gone through something very similar to offer me encouragement and other kind words. I hope that you can extend the kindness that you have shown me to yourself! You are a wonderful, caring woman!

Sincerely grateful!!!
autumnleaves

Very good! You are getting past that need to hide so much from them. Being more open is freeing.

You're welcome. You deserved it!

Very good insight!



Thanks for the report on your work with T. It sounds like you are doing really well.

I agree that your coping mechanism is awesome. I'd also say it is breathtaking--so well-conceived, so personal, and so fitting. Congratulations!

Thank you also for telling us about meeting your pastor. He sounds like a wise and compassionate spiritual leader. I love the three-tiered set of goals! Once again--you did really really well.

Thank you for your kind words about all of us. Please keep up your excellent work. I continue to be proud of you for your many thoughtful and courageous steps. I hope that you will keep us posted. And have fun during the summer!

Oh, AL, this made me smile so much!!! You are making SO MUCH progress!! I am so proud of all that you are doing-seriously!! It's amazing!!
It is so hard to admit things like this, and you are able to reach out to those around you and that is awesome. I can totally see the "light at the end of the tunnel" for you, and I am glad you are sharing your journey towards it with us. It makes me feel so much better to know I am not alone, and so hopeful now seeing how much progress you are making.
Thank you so much for the kind words

Oh and I also wanted to say that it is really great that you were able to discover that very healthy coping mechanism, I think it will help so much to have that security when things seem uncertain!

Thanks, guys! I'm so glad that I could help you out even in a small way, Doodle. I'm in New York right now at an arts institute that is AMAZING! I am here with my saxophone professor and being introduced as one of his best students (there are 4 other students here as well). Being introduced that way is nice, but I feel like an impostor or that I don't really deserve that complement. Anyone else feel that way? Also, the porn has been bad this week I think because I am uncomfortable and unsure of my surroundings. However, there have been many wonderful opportunities to listen and learn and perform this week and I am looking forward to the remaining opportunities.

New York! How great is that?! I'm so happy for you!

I believe that such feelings of unworthiness often come to survivors of CSA.

Good analysis of the porn. Be sure to discuss the trip with your T.

Have fun!

One small update. I remembered today through a bad dream this morning that I tried to tell on my sister once. I tried to tell my older sister Liz and she thought I was making it up to get her in trouble. Just thought I'd share that little break through.

I'm feeling like trash because the porn has been so bad. It feels like I have backslid really, really far. I hate this feeling so much.

That is a big breakthough, and hopefully you can talk through it in therapy!!
And please don't feel like trash. You are NOT trash, you actions are "reactive" to what you have been through. It is okay, you are working hard to get through it. Give yourself a little break, it's ok to slide backwards sometimes-it happens to all of us. For what it's worth, I think you are making AMAZING progress.

I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling like trash. It is good that you understand why porn has been happening more often recently. Still, I imagine that that understanding probably feels pretty hollow to you at the moment. It is so easy to forget the reasons.

What would you say to a friend who had backslid after being uncomfortable and unsure about herself, after feeling an imposter? I suspect that you would offer your friend compassion and understanding. I imagine that it is hard to offer yourself that same compassion. Please try. And maybe try the STOP video again? Also, I think it will help when you get a chance to talk about it with T and/or with your pastor.

Thank you, Bill3. I needed to hear a few words of encouragement. You never fail to amaze me with your kindness.

autumnleaves, thank you very much for your kind words.

I suppose that compliments are hard for you to hear right now, so I will limit myself. Setbacks, backsliding are inevitable: truly, they are an unwelcome but regular part of the process of healing. Please know that I and, I am sure, others here continue to admire your courage and your progress. And I am still proud of you.

Sorry I haven't been around much AL - I agree with Bill, I admire your courage and your progress too. The road to healing is long and painful, but I continue to hope it is possible, for both of us.

BTW - I resort to unhealthy behaviors sometimes too...

Thanks, guys. I realized in my last therapy session that I often resort to porn after I've had a good day, not necessarily a bad one. Also, I realized that I try to make my behavior match that of my sister sometimes because I believe that she and I are the same.

I'm sorry I am slow to respond, I have been, and will be, traveling a lot in July.

Those are interesting insights. Would you be willing to say more about them?

Bill3, I hope your traveling is enjoyable and maybe even relaxing! I am, as always, grateful for any support you can offer. Sometimes I feel that I should wish to be "as bad" as my sister. I don't know if this is a common sentiment among survivors of abuse. I sometimes feel that I this is the source of some of my suicidal ideation or addictive behaviors. I believe that she and I are the same. Sometimes I think that I engage in watching porn because I need to make the day something that I deserve; so, if the day has been good, I have an especial need to use porn in order to make myself and my day worse because that's what I deserve.

These are very interesting and thoughtful insights. With regard to being the same as your sister: Often, it is too hard, too dangerous for children to believe that people in their world are capable of evil. So, they blame themselves, rather than those around them. Blaming themselves "protects" their world.

Perhaps you are saying that if you prove yourself to be bad, then your world is more understandable: you can then think that your sister abused you because (it seems to you) you deserved it. Especially since your sister now is good, as you have been saying. How could someone who is now good have been abusive? This leads you to think that you deserved it. (You didn't).

Your insight about using porn on good days makes a lot of sense to me. (And you still don't deserve bad days, even though it feels like you do).