[mgran]

but the computer froze and I lost my work. My initial thought was that there was some higher power preventing me from saying it, because if I did it would be disrespectful to the memory of my mother. But this morning I'm feeling less frightened and superstitious.

Basically, I remembered that my mother used to give my brother and I phenigrin (originally prescribed for hayfever) to put us to sleep. She also at least once gave us a prescription sleeping tablet, and I remember a few times when she gave us valium.

I know why she did it... she had a serious psychotic illness (probably schizophrenia) and she was frightened that she'd lose it and start screaming at us. It was a way of keeping us both safe when there was nobody else around. And I don't think she did it often... but it shocked me when I remembered. I feel sad that she felt she had to do this. I wonder what my brother would feel, if he remembered also.

Also, I had thought that I remembered everything about our childhood, the occasional outburts of bad temper from our parents, the furniture being thrown, my brother being beaten regularly, myself less regularly. Having a whole new memory pop us is really... I don't know how to put it. Just shocked me, that's all.

[Emotionally Dead]

I completely understand the superstitious aspect of this post. So many times I have said "well this is just God's way of telling me not to do this". Sometimes I listen to my thoughts sometimes I don't. I think that there really are times when it is something warning us, but in this case I think it was good that you decided to post it.

I don't think that your post is doing anything to demean your mother. She was suffering from an illness, and yet still seemed to want to keep you and your brother safe. As long as it didn't cause you to get addicted to sleeping pills you're doing good, because that is an effect from it.

I don't have much more to add, other than I understand that it would be upsetting. I have flashbacks and things from my past sometimes and it causes me huge panic and anxiety when I do, so I understand what you're going through in a sense.

Just want you to know I am reading, listening, and hoping things get better for you.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry some of your memories are shocking to you. But like "Emotionally" said, I'm sure your Mom didn't do it to hurt you. She was trying to keep you safe. Bless her heart, she knew what she was capable of doing, so she thought you two would be better off asleep. She must have been tormented.

I occasionally have memories pop up from childhood, but they don't surprise me. I don't think ANYTHING would surprise me ~ both my parents were alcoholics, and they'd get into the worst fights! All us kids would be cowering in our rooms, hoping they'd stop soon before someone got REALLY hurt. That takes up the majority of my childhood memories. I don't remember much else.

If you're not in therapy, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this. I was in therapy off & on most of my adult life, and it did me a world of good. I've since "graduated." LOL I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[mgran]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling better that I told someone this. It's better than carrying all that baggage around.

I've been thinking of therapy. Mind in this country provide cheap therapy for people... it's fifteen pounds a session, which I might just be able to manage. I phoned them earlier this week asking for information, and they haven't got back in touch. Of course, I was thinking maybe it was God's way of telling me not to go into therapy... but that's just silly. I'm going to ring them back.

You're right... I'm glad neither of you blamed my mother. You're exactly right, she was suffering from an illness, and was trying to keep us safe. We didn't get addicted to sleeping pills, so in the long run no harm done.

My Mum committed suicide twenty years ago, and has now been dead longer than I knew her. I suppose that brought up some sad memories as well. However, there are plenty of good ones too, from when she was in remission. One thing's for sure, I know she loved us.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you are looking into therapy. Keep us posted?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm not sure what to say...just know that I am listening

[mgran]

Thanks guys. I know that when I next see my brother we'll talk about this. We don't see each other often, and we always at some stage start reminiscing about how horrible our childhood was! It's not as though we don't forgive our parents, we both love our Dad, and he's apologised for the past, and is trying to be the best Dad for the present and future. He went into therapy for his temper years ago, and it made a difference. But we've still got so much cr@p to wade through. It might be one reason why, though we love each other so much, my brother and I don't meet up that often. It gets painful.