Who am I to think I can even utter a single sound that I am hurting? Pushed away over and over again when in pain-- told I was/am being a baby, stupid, a liar...... ignored or laughed at.

Reaching out to the parents (as a child)...... to receive cold indifference or "hush- don't talk about that". A partner that is supposed to care and love-- would rather change the subject than listen to one who has finally gotten the courage to speak of ones struggles.

Holding everything in for soooooo long--- will I eventually explode?? Will it ever be OK for me to really reach out???? Do I have the RIGHT to say I am hurting-- will that make me weak? Is that why they push me away-- "weakness" is feared--- or is it denial, in that they don't want to see any of it??

So afraid of being pushed away again................how many pushes can one take before they are pushed over the edge??

mandy

(((((((((mandy))))))))))))

You are important. I'm so sorry there were those who didnt let you know that and hurt you.

[hillbunnyb]

2b1, Hi, I'm so sorry you feel pushed away just when you're ready to reach out. Major bummer, I know. Nothing is more frustrating than to gather yourself up, (big courage, good work!) and reach out, only to be denied that which you so desperately need: a listening compassionate ear. Geez. Used to make me so mad I'd go off on the person I'd reached out to. Yelling, screaming, calling them names like "fair weather friend"to say the least....

I felt like I only had one shot at asking (energy wise) and to have that not work, OOOwwwww felt so BAD. I would crawl back into my hole fuming, disgusted with everything. So alone....

I discovered, much to my dismay, that I also had to consider the "who has something to give" aspect. Lotsa folks have lotsa reasons to not go there with us. Whooo boy, oh great, now I have to get picky about who I ask for help, no yellow pages on this on back then... But, now is now. We, at the very least, have this site!!! Etherial net hugs are better than no hugs, huh?

My first acupuncturist said to me,"When you feel like you're going to explode, expand around it". Tricky, tricky tricky, but possible. I hold you in my heart and wish you well.

Thanks for the hugs EV.
and also the kind words.

You've said a very relevant thing, I think. -- "You are important"--
I'm thinking that might be a part of me not feeling like I should reach out--- as a child and young adult-- I never felt important.

Thanks for your reply.

mandy

Hi hillbunnyb,

Yes, it is very hard to be denied a compassionate ear when one finally gets the courage to speak up. It is a battle for me to convince myself to even try again.

You make a good point about considering -- " who has something to give" --- knowing who those people are is something I guess I'm not so good at..

It IS nice to have this site!!

thanks for your thoughtful reply and in case I haven't said it yet--- "Welcome" to PsychCentral!

mandy

[dottie]

Hi Mandy. I know how you feel. There was so much taboo when I was growing up. My mother would interupt me, gave me dirty look, and say hush-up. I wondered why I couldn't speak my mind. Wondered why I had to carry such pain ALONE.

TGC

[Fuzzybear]

I so much relate to this Mandy...... ugh

I am always happy to hear from you, the PM box in my cave is open

I know you don't care for hugs, so.........

Growls,
Fuzzy

dottie,
I'm sorry that you know how it feels.... being alone in the pain was very hard. Thanks for your reply and please know I'm thinking of you.

Fuzzy,
Sorry that you relate too--
Thanks for the PM offer-- might take you up on that.

It's thoughtful of you to remember about me and hugs..... however, I don't mind if that is what some people like to do.....I understand. I guess, it's mostly that I-- myself-- don't express myself in that way--- it feels odd -- but I'm not sure why?!?

Hope no one holds it against me if I don't do them..... I do show support in other ways...

Thanks Fuzzy for your support-- you are so kind.


mandy

I sure can relate to this post!

Yes, it is very disapointing when you have finally have the courage to speak up but you are not listen too. But as someone else have said before me, you might have chosen the wrong person to talk too. But then who will be the right person?That is the question.

I think that this site can help you say a bit at a time. There is a lot of good listeners here and there is always pm if you prefer.

I might be wrongg here but I think you would like someone in real life to listen to you, someone close, someone who could hold you when you tears will fall, someone who will not judge, someone who will not ask more then you want to say, someone who will not try to fix you, just someone who will trully listen.

I am sorry you have been turned down when you were finally going to open up. I understand and I know you are hurt. But don't give up Mandy, don't give up hope that one day someone will really listen because you are unique and very important.

Take good care my friend! I am here for you!

time0

[bipolar_bear]

Mandy I am so sorry that you have not found someone to share your feelings and experiences. Hopefully your partner will over time learn how to nurture you rather than avoid your need for an outlet. Hopefully posting here is some sort of relief for you. Please feel free to pm me anytime should you want someone to listen. Please don't give up hope you will find the right person yet. Take care.

time0,

Sorry that you can relate to this.

Yes this site does help--most times when I'm not sure how to voice my feelings.... I read others posts and they sometimes say the things I would have, so it even helps to just read-- and the rejection reflex isn't activated if I'm just reading.

You are not wrong about how I would like someone in 3-D to listen, I would like that very much, and.... I've not had the feeling of being held when tears fall-- I'm thinking that would be nice too.

Thank you for your kind words and support- our dear time0.

bipolar bear,

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. and also thank you for the PM offer--I appreciate that very much.

I do wonder though....... could it be that some people are just destined to be surrounded- in 3-D life- by others that can't support in the way one needs??......just a thought.....

Best regards to all,
mandy