[MrsEric]

I am not really posting a question, I guess I just need to get it out. Maybe typing my story out tonight will help get it off my mind for awhile.

My dad married a woman, I will call her Rae, when I was 7. Up until then he'd been a single dad (my brother and I lived with him, my mom was out of the picture for the most part). At first Rae was everything I could ever wanted- finally a mother figure in my life! She was nice to me, we had fun, and I loved her very much.

Then, somewhere along the line, within a year or two, she turned into an evil witch. My dad worked 3-midnight, so during the school year especially he had no idea what was going on at home and I was too afraid of Rae to say anything to my dad.

Rae abused me in many ways- verbally (she often told me I was a piece of trash and therefore was treated as one), physically (I can recall instances of being punched in the stomach, hit over the head with a large spoon, and being drug around by my hair), and emotionally (she would, once in awhile, pretend to care and I'd ALMOST have my guard down and then she'd start back up, being crueller than ever). She only let me shower every other Sunday, because at that point we were visiting my mother and we came home smelling like smoke. The kids at school never failed to remind me how bad I stunk.

When I was 11, she allowed her 17 year old son to come live with us (from his fathers, out of state) and slowly he because molesting me and eventunally raped me. When I finally got the courage to tell someone at school (after about 6 months), my stepmom acted all concered while at the police station but when we got home I got a beating like I'd never gotten before, for getting her boy in trouble. He went to jail, never saw him again.

I finally got the courage to tell my dad, when I was 12, that I wanted to go live with my mom. I think he was relieved, because he didn't know what was going on and couldn't figure out my behavior- I was always getting in trouble for stealing food at school (well duh, she never let me eat at home), I wet my bed all the time (again, duh, she never let me use the bathroom unless she said it was ok), and I hid in my room all the time and basically just laid on the bed, so my dad was probably pretty confused as to what was "wrong" with me. He had no idea what was really going on.

So I lived with my mom for the next two years, during which time my stepdad managed to try and molest me and actually once tried to physically take me to his bedroom, while my mom was out of town. Lovely.

I've been in therapy for over 3 years, sometimes I think I'm doing ok, I have dealt with some of the abuse, I'm in a different place. But then, I hit really down days and I cry for my lost childhood and for all the pain and suffering.

I'm expecting my first child in September and I cry sometimes, thinking about how to be a mom to him. I was never modeled healthy parenting, how do I know I have what it takes? Ugh.

[Open Eyes]

MrsEric,

Probably some of your latest moods are due to your pregnancy. Many women get mood swings and also wonder if they will be good mothers, have a healthy child etc.

Well, you know what you needed when you were a child right? You wanted unconditional love right? And you know that you were denied many things.

When I raised may daughter I knew that she was not going to be denied any of the things that I was denied. I rocked her to sleep every night and sang to her and made sure she was protected and loved and had plenty attention.

Just remember what you wanted when you were a child and how you were hurt and promise yourself your child will not have the same happen to her or him. You have time to read about raising healthy children. Don't worry, when that child is born you will love it more than anything you can imagine. Your child will be different, because you know what it feels like to not trust and be truely loved, so you will know what your child will need.

Open Eyes

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry that all this happened to you - you did not deserve this! In terms of parenting, your instincts will tell you. Follow your heart and love your baby and you will learn along the way. You will make mistakes, as all parents do, learn from them. Make sure your baby knows you are always there and will always protect them. I also had an abusive childhood - I understand the parenting fears, having no one to go to for advice, always questioning if I was doing the right thing, I had nothing to base what a mother should be like on so I made it up as I went along. I know I have made some mistakes, but I also know my children know with their whole heart how much I love them and that I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth for them and I guess, to me, that is what really matters.

Sometimes it is tough and things don't always work out how we plan, but I believe that just by questioning - you're showing that you DO have what it takes. Keep posting - get those fears and worries out! PC is a supportive place and you will find vast amounts of wisdom on here! I will keep you in my thoughts!

[Sannah]

Hi Mrs, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that while growing up. You deserved so much better then that. You sound like you would never abuse another human being. I'll bet you'll be a good mother.

[geez]

Originally Posted by MrsEric

I've been in therapy for over 3 years, sometimes I think I'm doing ok, I have dealt with some of the abuse, I'm in a different place. But then, I hit really down days and I cry for my lost childhood and for all the pain and suffering.

I'm expecting my first child in September and I cry sometimes, thinking about how to be a mom to him. I was never modeled healthy parenting, how do I know I have what it takes? Ugh.

(((MrsEric))) I too was abused as a child and had many of the same worries as you mentioned. I remember when my first child was born I was like a deer in the headlights. I went to a moms group at the hospital and watched other moms play and talk to their babies (I didn't know how to do that so I learned by watching others - fake it till you make it principle).
As my son got more into the toddler phase I plunged myself into books about positive discipline. I wasn't going to hit my child and I wanted my child to feel loved but beyond that I didn't know what to do. About that time I did start seeing a therapist as I had so many doubts and worries about being a good mom. I'm mom to two boys and while I'm not a perfect mom (no one is) I do my best to make sure my boys know they are loved and I give them lots of hugs and I Love Yous. The fact you are here and aware speaks volumes. Your son is a lucky mom. You are aware of your past so you know what not to do.

[insightunseen]

i am so very sorry all this happened to you. your courage in sharing is a sign you are an overcomer. no matter how cruel others have been to you, you have remembered what love and caring and right from wrong are. you are a precious soul who survived the worst and now you are going to have a new life. you will be a loving mom, you can get therapy and read books that will confirm your determination to love your child well. and the abuse will end with the last generation. you are starting a wonderful new line of beloved children and grandchildren. good will win in the end.