Looking at my life

Thanks, Sannah, it is a hard work.

I went to the UK with idea to cycling, to learn English and economics and easy life.

There was an important person which helps me and it was a teacher who went with her twins to teach in the UK. I think without something like it I should not manage it.

I am too tired on Friday evening I need a rest to be able to feel and do not to write only as a robot.

not writing today.

not writing today, busy weekend
11.07pm

It seems that I should write faster.
Ok I went to go to the UK. I was scared how to manage it. But I met a teacher which I would like to be my teacher who will help me with my Phd. I was scared how to sort my social and healthy insurance. She was mother of twins which she needed to look after in the UK. It was for me really something what was helpful how to move easy to the UK. She seemed very easy going and I felt that everything what I need she helped. I needed to have my job as helping in household. We managed to do it. I have to visit an office to have my insurance number. I had an interview and she helped me to open my account.
The teacher had a lot of boyfriends, but she met a love here. She made a rich friend and we were living nice. The children were ok. But she really let children and everything on me. To be honest she helped but she did a slave with it. Sometimes I was happy with the children. Two girls 2 years old. I did not like them but it was fine to have somebody always with me. I wanted to have a rich man. I started dated a man but he did not want to marry. He was Indian property businessman. I know him till now but in the time I came to the UK. It was for me wow, he has a property. He did not want to have a relationship, just sometimes sex. I finished with him.
But teacher was disappointed how I look for children. She went to the Czech and I was with him alone and she complained that they lose weight. She told me that she will have his friend to look after their children.
I started to look a job. I did not happy to be aur-pair. It was for me that I was shamed what I do. And it is shame for me what I do till now for earning money.

But in the end I find a family where I could live and work, I was there as really au pair, I did not. I was scared that I should have a job. I was scared that I am not registered that I do not have a job. I was scared to push them to pay me as a job. It is now Ok. I paid back my insurance that I will have years to my state pension. It is my afraid of my life that I need to have money for my retirement. But it is getting clear that a state pension is not enough. I used to know from my family that state pension is enough.
I am scared that I will not have enough money in my retirement if I will be old.
But I am scared as well that I die before that I will be old. I am scared that I am not able to look after myself.

yesterday
I could not log on to the website.

and today I was busy

Yes exactly it is what I am missing how to look after yourself. I went to the Uk to look for easy life. I want to earn money by easy way.

and just I have to pick myself and write

About how it was when I came to the UK. I was ok when the teacher had boyfriends which were helpful. It was when we came but after I realized that she wants that I will work 24 hours. She helped me a lot I have to confirm. But after she decided that she wants somebody other to look for their children. I had find a job, I visited family in Chiswick. English family two children. There were not bad but I worked there hard. I was always exhausted but I started to go to language school to learn English. But to be honest I never was motivated to learnt English. It is my problem that if I have to do something to achieve something I do not want to achieve it.
I was going to school and try to learn. I worked in English family as aupair. But I find a new boyfriend, Mauritius man. He was for me somebody which I felt he will give me opportunity to earn a lot of money. He was a chartered account and I thought he is rich and that I wanted to live his life and special if he talked to live at Maurtius. I was looking for easy life. It was starting very well but it was finished not very well. He was father of two and I want to live with him and to do work with him. I will give him name Darling. Darling was divorced and always told me that he had only his wife as girlfriend and two other girls. This attracted me. I felt that I am not one from many. In the end he told me that during his marriage he used service of prostitutes

tomorrow I will write

This is good awareness..........

It is my problem to look for an easy life and of course in the end I am in a ****.

Sannah thanks for staying in touch. To be honest from time of Norway attack and the UK's riots I was not good with my writing but now I am here.
Kind regards
Ivana

I gave an advert at website that I looked for a boyfriend. He replied to me. He was happy to meet me. We meet up, he seems to be happy so I was happy. (I have to laugh to myself now he was happy and for me it was enough) He invited me in some restaurants we chatted together. He told me about his ex-wife that she moved back to Mauritius. I admired him that he looks after his two boys and earn money for them as well. We started to have sex and I like to be his. I did not enjoy sex in my life. But when I was with him I felt that he will do everything for me. What was always upsetting that he was always late. I have to wait for him and it makes me angry. He took me to his clients to help him with his accounting and it was nice feeling for me. There was something what was strongly attracted that he had possibility to do intermediary consultant in acquisitions of companies. It made me feel high, something what to do is with excitement about smelling a lot of money. But I did not think about me for me. I always was in some stage of excited to talk about acquisitions of companies.
Darling was helpful some clients to set up companies and to do accountancy for them. But he was not successful generally. It was always something that he did and he did not receive enough money. I wanted to go to Czech Republic and he did not want to go with me that he did not have enough money. I was surprised. It was always that if we were together he paid. He gave a gold nickels to my birthday. I had free hairdresser.
But that he did not have money was a problem. He did not want to be with me because he waited regarding a phone call and so on. There was other problem. He lived with his sons and he never invited me to his house. I felt not OK about it. Even I gave him ultimatum that he should decide if he wants a relationship generally. He promised and he postponed it. To be honest I wanted to live in his house. There was more problems with money and even I gave him some money. But after all that he will have a job and I will be with him as well for a big group. So I let my job in Chiswick and look for to work with him but after all he did not have a job even for himself. I have to look for a job. When I finish my au-pair I moved to other town and it was still that it was only postponed that we will start the job together. It was that I thought it will be easy to have my boss as my partner, to live together and to work together. I was started upset about him regarding that I lived in a small tiny room and he lived in a big house and he did not even introduced me to his sons (about 16 and 18). I gave him a deadline. It was really a month so enough time to him if one day will not ok. But he had always something and I really decided that we know each other one year and despite I did not have a job. I gave him back my nickels, that it is end. He was surprised about it but I explained that it is not about he did not introduce me to his family in one month but he did not introduce me for one year. He did not reply to it. He find out a new girl, (what he had to share with me) 20 years younger than him, he did not give me money back which I gave him when I earn only 70 punds a week.
I tried to receive money back but he told me that he gave me money back but it was money he gave me that I worked for him and when I let my job (stupid me) and waited for to work with him. After I met him for long time I want that we can make peace between us that he will give me money back and I will give money to charity. He agreed but I understood that he always agreed but he did not think about it seriously. Absolutely person who feed me by his mouth without responsibility of words. I was sick with him and we did not meet again. I do not know about him.
But I will write more stories. It was more messy.

It was many stories with Darling. I felt with him in same way very ok but sometimes I was not happy at all. I remember that I lived in family and I saw how lady made from her the sexy girl to go out with her husband. But I went straight from cleaning to meet my Darling that it is up to him to make me clean and nice. I really did not care how he saw me. I do not know if it is good or no. Maybe I should wash myself for myself.

There was some other story from our first times, I put my advert again at internet, and Darling saw it. He was upset but I was upset as well that I did something like it. I thought in the time that Darling was something for my all life. But I was not honest to myself he look for some other girl and I try to keep our relationship despite of it.

Darling, he was kind to others but he was not able manage your self. He wanted to give smoking even he tried hypnosis. Maybe something similar with me. I felt the help me to have a job but it was that I was dependant on him.
He was not OK with situation that he is divorced, he even wrote that he is married at his CV. He always lied about me his sons. I did a little drama about once that he could really decided that he needs to sort it. He had talks that I made decision and how it could takes that we will not meet up. We really did not meet up but he call me and anyway he could not decide about it.

Once he wanted that his son will come to us to restaurant but his son could not some and he gives me his mobile to me. I could talk with him, but after all his son a notice if I was drunk and Darling laughed to it and I could not believe it.

He was weak and to be honest I was a little using it. It was a time he did not want to be with me that he is busy. I called him and I heard how laughed with others. I do not remember how it was exactly but I had a cd from him and he had to ask for it so I knew always that we will meet up because he had to take the cd.

The new year I wanted to celebrate together. I suppose that we will celebrate together. But it was really horrible for me, we were in restaurant where he did accountant and after he wanted to live to watch firework alone and go home. He told me that he was always with your sons at 12. So I was in a restaurant alone and after I took taxi home, I thought that he will pay taxi but it costed me fortune.

How could I be so low?

I will not write today

Maybe I did not wrote that Darling was from Mauritius. It is first time I really look where it is and if Darling talk to go there to have a restaurant, I wish to be there and I live with him. It was one thing which kept me to hold him till my last breath. It is fine that I really made a courage to split with him. It was really not good time or good time?
I worked only for little hours to clean in school and my landlord was kind to me that he gave me a work for him.
Yes it was really my luck that I had a room with a man who cared about me. He even find an advert for a work which I have till today. It is for me that I always wanted to live with a man who look after house and me. But to be honest my dependency.
I split with my darling, it was not easy but I did it. I started to work as an accountant assistant. And I decided that I will go to holiday to Mauritius. I do not remember exactly people took holiday and I thought what I should do and I wanted to go to Mauritius to see the best place on the world.

The holiday in Mauritius will be continue and despite it was 15 days, I could write about it for long time.

Mauritius I dated an other man in the Uk but he did not care about me how I need it and again it was that I look for something other that my partner. What is shame of me.
But I decided to go to Mauritius. I wanted to see about Darling to talk. I bought a ticket and I arrange a hotel even I flight throw Dubai, it was an excitement for me to go to rich very rich country. I went to Dubai and after I went to Mauritius. I took a lot of pitures in Dubai and full day of experience I shared with taxi driver at Mauritius. He waited for a tip but I did not gave it to him because I did not know it.
I did not have only a good time at Mauritius. I realized that everybody was wanted my money. I was alone and I was scared. I remember that I slept in my room and I was wake up by voices from hall. I thought that they talk about me. But I remember a moment that I told my self that I am at the most beautiful place at world and I will enjoy it. I swam a lot, I hired a bicycle and I took a scuba diving classes. And scuba diving was something very special and even a teacher of scuba diving.
How it started, I asked in reception that I would like to do scubadiving. They told me that somebody will come and will talk with me about it. After all there were 3 people and me and a teacher, I will give him name Custoe.

It is helpful to write here for me to move on in my life. But it is for long time. I wish to have done.
I know it could be done in one week but I am writing for long time. I started 7th of June and it is not finish 21st August
I do approximately 5 days a week. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I need a rest. If somebody does it with Therapist it has to cost really a fortune.
No a point to complain. Go to write again, Mediator

I was at meeting I wanted to try scuba diving. We were taught first of all about how to be have, after we were in a pool. It was nice for me to go in the corner of inside of pool to sit and just breath with tanks. There is quiet and just hearing of breath.
My first scubadiving in the ocean was amazing experience.
I loved it. I wanted again to go scuba diving. I do remember how it start that I went to dinner with my scubadiver teacher Custoe. It was nice. But something happened and I went to scubadive to somebody other. I did not feel so ok and a little scared with people who does not care about me and I had a problem to manage air in my west to had balance and did not go up or down.
But I was in love in my Custoe. He told me that he has a girl who has his child in Germany but I am not sure if I ignored it. But after I was hurt if I called him and he told me that he is at home with her wife. So he was married with her. To be honest I wanted his love. Something very stupid to want somebody love. But I like how he cared about me. For example I swam in sea far and he told me that it could be danger for me.
But Custoe was something attracted by his focus. Sometimes I did not have a nice opinion about him that he is a monkey from forest. But he did regularly exercise everyday morning from 5am and he did transcendental meditation. He had his scuba diving business and he did some work to a minister. He was very contact with himself. I think he really loved his work to scuba dive. I was sorry that he had his girlfriend in Germany with his child. He told me even that he does not feel ok that he is not a good father. We had sex even but not intercourse. I was upset that he spread his sperms at me because I suspect that he make sex with everybody. After I was upset about him and I was upset that I was there for short time and he did some other business and he did not have a time for me. I did something what I do not like about myself and it is usually for me I went to beach where I knew that he will be there to see him. It is that I have to accept my relationships with others how there are and see people that they are not bad or good. And most funny I went to London that I will find somebody same as he is. BECAUSE IN LONDON IS EVERYTHING.

I am upset about myself, it is exactly to see somebody as a god.

But something at Mauritius happened with my feeling. I tried to explain to many people but I am not sure they got it. I liked to go to see and with huge emotion to go again waves, to throw out everything bad and just feel WOW.
I wrote that I was upset about everybody and alone at some point in Mauritius but I decided enjoy my life. I am not sure about it was something about pushing away reality.
Something wow. It something what could be felt if I do stretching of my body, that I spread my body above my head. I think it does have something my scuba diving with could be something as meditation and that open me to myself.

I had more feeling I wanted just be I thought that people are stupid why they do not just live. Even I did that I started to go morning to swim before work, I did it about 3 years everyday before work. I loved to go under water and love to go underwater in jacuzzi. To see bubbles underwater with my goggles.

But I think the reality push me down from the time.

Thanks Sannah no writting today.

Yes I think I did something to me that I suppressed all my loneliness at Mauritius. I really did not have anybody at the time and I did not look for some friends I just push way the was alone in foreign country. I wanted to be happy despite anything.

There was something other as well I was enjoyed body sensation to go to water. It was something what in other hand helped to start to be touched with my self and to start be myself and not what I inherited from parents. Mother dreams to be let somebody to earn a lot of money for her or fathers fears from illnesses and inability to empathy to others.

I came from Mauritius I wanted just live do not be upset by anything and I started to think what I want that is just to jump to water. Of course I started be upset about that I need money so I thought OK I will go to earn money that I do not have to do anything. But I did not enough drive to make it real. I started something always, I tried to think how to earn money.

But there was something other what I mentioned that I would like to find somebody same as was my teacher of scubadiving. I remember that he did a transcendentatl meditation and I therefore looked for somebody who will teach me the transcendental meditation.

If I read it I really remember my idea that to be happy means to push my feeling away.
Now from meditation I know that it is really opposite what is necessary to do.