Looking at my life

Generally speaking to live with my father was not healthy. I think he was religious by some way. He did not pray, but sometimes he was talking things from Christianity education. He did some thing because it should be done without feeling anything. He did not make me smile. Once I was in shop with him and there was a plastic bag with a bear. I told my father with excitement that is a nice bear. I wanted to share it. He bought the bug without anything to tell and I was sad. I hate if he wanted to buy myself by shopping. I think I want it his love and I hated if he decided he want to buy me something.
I didn’t know his family. His mother died when he was young and I heard that he lived without father. I do not know the thruth. He did not visit his sisters, one was a nun and other I do not know. I never met them. I met only sister of his mother. She was very old and with shaking hands and I liked her. She lived as a servant at farm, but the state took land from landlord and she stayed to live with landlord.

I'm still listening Mediator....

You are a strong person if you are still listening. You have to be tired from it.

My father if I recall his picture, my mind jump from it. How long I have to write about him? ( I am again crying) On Saturdays we usually went to walk, me, my mother and my father. He was despotic with it. I was happy when I was started do not go with them. Usually it was a trip to relatives of my mother. After we walked through forest and picked up mushrooms. He was a despotic head of group. My mother told about it once to my ex-husband and i she told it without connection of her feeling. She told that we could receive sweets after some point of trip. She did not feel any anger of it. I was confused by her behaviour. I understand it know when I started meditation that she always suppressed her feeling. And it is a reason why I am here. I started meditation and it is opening my life. Now I look at my life without a curtain.

I was always afraid of my father. If I complained about that sun is not shining he was upset that I can not be disturb by it. But it was not by kind explanation it was with anger and hate. When I cried he told me that he will beat me to know why to cry. It was always with lots of anger. It was same when I was ill (cold or flue), he complained that I am always ill. He did not have sympathy or patient to comfort me. To be honest I did not know what is to be comfort. Once I remember that he was upset that I am not happy with my white skin, I wanted have nice dark from sun. He showed me his skin under his pants and shouted This is a white skin. He was always easy go up with his mood. It is clear that I did not talk a lot. I was a child at home after my brother left so from age of 5 I think I did not talk a lot and I was alone.
I remember a nice time in hospital (it seems really a little cruel, nice time in hospital). I did not sleep and every child slept, it was during night. A nurse checked children and she recognized that I did not sleep she allowed to me to walk with her to check other children. It was so nice for me and after I went sleep without any arguments. I was child who should do anything for kind behavior. Sometimes if I see how parents care about their children I am jealousy. I wish every child love of parents but I have to admit that I am jealousy. I am jealousy
if somebody has parents who cares about them despite there are adult.

I know your pain there all too well. Due to a lot of crap I took when I was in middle school, I have severe issues with trusting my peers, unless I'm in church. Nothing hurts more than having your own trust being used against you. Glad you're managing to post this.

Yes it is difficult to learn to trust people. We are here to learn it.

Well, this is a good site to learn how to do that.

I remember how my father wanted to teach me read. I read something for him and I told him what a letter is. I repeated again and again and louder and father slapped my face. He seemed to be surprised what he did. I do not remember more about studying with me. I learned by myself. My parents did care what I am learning at school and I did care as well. I was surprise that somebody learned something. I did not do it till my 15. My father wanted to encourage me if I will have a the best marks from all subjects he by a dog for me. I was disappointed that I did not have the best marks. I do not remember if I try. But I did not learn. I am clever so I did not need it. I did not have a need to have good marks. I did not have a bad marks but I did not have best marks. My father taught me once more. It was at my seventeen. As I wrote I did not care to learn and I did not care about marks and it happened that I had a bad marks from electricity. My father was mad about it. He taught me and it was horrible, but it was really last time.
I visited a language school to learn Germany, I did not learn and other did it. It was shame for me that other knew a lot and I did not know it. But it is something about me that I did not strive for something in my life.

End for today.

We never stop learning stuff, even after we get out of school.

Maybe I should write more about my mother. Person who is absolutely without ability of feeling sympathy. I learned that there are emotions which are suppressed but if you are with my mother it is really as to be with a monster. When I was about 7, one night my mother was not at home evening, I did not ask. I remember to keep my guinea pig near of me at cushion. I asked mother why she was not at home. She told me that she went to jump to the river. I was scared from it. I told my classmate that my mother went to jump to river and she asked me why she came back. It was painful for me as the classmate told me.
I remember a dream from my childhood that my father wanted to make a suicide. He wanted to run and hit his head to fridge. The fridge was moved that hedge was in the centre and my mother cried that he did not do it. Scary memories about it.
I was scared how I heard my parents argued, I think my mother was hit by my father sometimes. I remember that my father told her if she has somebody other that she should go to him. My mother cried.
I remember that my father wanted to see pants of mother which she had somewhere a day before. I do not remember them to be together happy.

Kids should NEVER have to see their parents fight.

Hearing that your mother wanted to commit suicide when you are 7 yrs old sounds like a very scary thing to hear. As children we rely on our parents to feel safe and if our parent doesn't feel safe where does that leave us as a young child? It leaves us at a very scary place.

Yes, girls. I agree but if I think about good parents and bad parents. There is clear that they do not have to feel safety by themselves but children need to feel their strange. My mother could not feel safety with my choleric father. If a child ask about something my reply is other than a reply to adult person. And there was not different for my mother. "Where you were? I went to jump to river." I will be happy if somebody has a confidence to let me know it in nowadays but as a child 7 old year old I could not sort it.

This is my 100 post.

My mother. Ok my first memories. Nothing is comming, maybe it was about something regarding my brother. She told me what my brother wants is does not a matter. I wanted something and my mother did not agree.
My mother was cooking for us and washing up. Her words “she pushed us (children) to eat despite she could choke to death”. It is really difficult for me to write. She is missing ability of sympathy. It is something what makes me scare even now. I read something about it that it seems that the person is strong but the thruth that she suppresses emotions.
I remember her I should go to be outside (it was not danger in my country in the days) GOO OOUT, I was at stairs and I needed my shoes, she throw my shoe and close the door. But know I am not sure if it was my brother who throw me my shoes. It is really about 43 years ago.
I remember that I felt sorry for her. I came home after school and in our kitchen was burned everything. I was scared, I went to my mother’s working place, she had her forehead with bandage. It was sad. Now if I think about it for her it was not important if I came to home and did not know what happened. There was not even a notice to go somewhere. Maybe I am now too hard to her. She had a bad accident. But I was about 8 years old and I came home where was kitchen without curtains and painting from door was gone, the walls were black. After I knew that there was a detonation of fat at cooker.
Explanation regarding a job of my mother, she was a cleaner at clinic. So she received a help there.

Another incident of being afraid. Sympathy from your mother is very important.

Yes time to write about my mother more.

My mother was always try to help yourself by yourself. My father decorated our flat but my mother complained how he did it. He made a lot of mess and for long time.Once I came home with a classmate I did not want to open draws in kitchen. They were paint but it was not dried and therefore there were stick. We put out the draws on the floor to dry. When my mother came home she was upset that I did it. That it was not my business. It was in Czech language “You care about something what you should not care.” with a lot of anger.

She was upset about me that I am not able to look after myself; she made a comment very often that I care about something what is not my problem. It was with a lot of anger. In the other hand she told me that I have an only concern to learn with hating me. I think my mother hated me. She complained that my father look after me only. I remember that I was 15 and I could go to veterinary school and I did not know what I should do. It was difficult because I could not stay at home and I did not know what I should study other.
I was somewhere and somebody asked me what I would like to study. My mother commented he asked as a princess what she wants.

I think how my mother hated me. I was a ***** who did not want eat. I was a ***** who did not look after yourself . My mother used the word “*****” for me in front of others. Once my cousin told me about it. She did not know if my mother made a joke about it or if she is serious.

Sannah I thank you for reading my thread. I need to write it and it is not easy for me. Today I did not need a tissue but I am sick of it. When I was about 8 years old I looked for orphanage in yellow pages. Now I am not surprised.

You're not the only one getting in other people's problems. I do that too.

I remember that we had potatoes in our cellar. There were rats. I was scared to go there and my mother sent me there. Once even was a death rat in our box of potatoes. They cleaned it but it was really horrible for me. I know that for people is not nice to see a spider or snake, for me it is a rat.
Once I was with my father and I shouted that there was a rat on street. My father was angry that I am crazy about it.
We had as well cockroaches at home, in bathroom. I was scared to go to toilet.
I think everybody is not happy to live where rats and cockroaches are.

But I like animals. I had guinea pig and after black cat and after Siamese cat. I think they were my friends.

Funny story about my mother. She wanted that I will be very educated. (I fulfil I have two master degrees in the Czech Republic) as in her mind was that it means that I will not have to work.(I have to fight with my laziness always) As I start to have interest regarding animals in my childhood, she bought me very professional journal about animals, which I did not understand. My father complained about it.

My father was choleric but he had intelligence. He knew that watching movies with my mother (for example whipping somebody) is not healthy for me. Of course for my mother there was not issue. I remember that my father did not want to tell me that my Siamese cat died by hitting by car. I did not ask.

Enough for day, I think I will tell everything I can start to live my life without the baggages.

I thank you everybody who is reading my stories.

I am looking for end of my looking at my life

During my childhood I received at Christmas bed sheets. I do not remember what my dad received. But once he received a iron flower at the wall. I remember how he throw out it. I was disappointed in my childhood. I know she wanted that I will be a rich bride. Now if I read it, it seems for me more horrible, she did not want that I will find love she put at me her problems that she did not feel enough rich to get married.

It is about how much we internalized problems of our parents. My father was always scared from illnesses. I remember very well how somebody could go out because he coughed blood because a vessel was broken in his lungs. He told it to my father and I was together with him. It is now difficult now for. I am getting old and I start to have problems of age. I am scared of death. Yes terribly scared.

My father did not want to have children. About seventeen I have a boyfriend of same age, he told me very angry Do you want to look after children? I was always scared to be pregnant that somebody will be dependant on me. I do not have children, it is painful, I am 46 the year and I suppose I will not have children now. I feel that it is not age to start brought up children.

My mother wanted me that I will not work and I will study. She thought that working is only manual work. I have two masters degrees (sorry I wrote about it before) and I never tried to do something properly. Yes I should be open to myself.

Maybe I should start what child I was, difficult question. I will write tomorrow. I am busy with cleaning today. Sannah you need sometime to read something other as well.

I like to play with friends of my brother, there were older than me and I was happy to be with them. My friends of same age were not kind to me. I remember that they closed me in cellar. I was there alone. I did not get friends. I did not feel that I was love by them. Maybe I was always looking for to be loved and I did know how to have friends who shares. I was always disappointed that they do not care about me and that somebody prefer somebody other. It seems that I was always very dependant if children like me. I think that is my problem. I let other opinion about me to hurt me. I do not want it more.

I had a nice time when I played at our neighbours. They came about my age 8 and there famous tennis family. I like to go there and play with a younger boy. He had a lot of nice toys and mother made nice room to him. I remember that one day I run from our flat, I do not know why. But she holds and she did not let me go and told me that I will recognize how good are my parents later. It seems now stupid for me. If some child is running from home there is some issue and other people should ask about it.

I played very often only alone. I had a favour dolly with a lot of dresses. I was went to summer camp where I was not happy with other children. I was envy if I saw friends together. It is still. No I do not want it.

It is horrible I start to understand that I was happy if somebody was attracted by me. It was not about I am happy with him but he is attracted by me. No I want to have somebody with whom I will be happy.

My crazy loves. I remember that I was in platonic love from my age of 7 always with somebody. Again I do not want it more. It was my classmates, my teacher. I started to go to summer camp as helping to care about children. I was happy that I was between other adult without parents. Of course I was in love with my colleague who was 25 years older than me. It was a person who likes to be with people. He did manager in a factory in our town. It was very deep love for me. He was married and it was not important for me because I needed to hide my love from parents any way. I date other man as well and I have to be honest I dated him because he was in communist party, it was something what made me secured. Parents were not secured for me. He wanted to have something with me and after I was scared tell no, I did not love him but I wanted that he care about me. He was married as well. He visited me morning before my school when my parents were gone. I does not like what I am writing but it is true.

Again back to me what I remember from my childhood at me. I liked to play ball games which children. I was not very good but I like it. I had some teachers but I was always after all disappointed. I remember that we went at school trip and I was happy that a teacher is going with us. “Yeeh you are going with us.” After trip she took my away and told me angry what I meant by Yeeh you are going with us. I am too old to go. I did not understand her in the time. Now I understand it.
I remember that I want to go out from home. I decided and I went about 8 years old. I was not scared. I went to a street bank to take a free papers and after people started to ask where is mum. I do not remember how it was finish. But I do not remember that parents talk about it.