[disguise123]

i dont know if this goes under abuse? My ex abused my kids and i. But i still have to see him (because of our kids) i cant look him in the eye. How do u deal with an abuser you have to keep facing.

[FrenzyRose]

Please we have to know the complete or a part where we can give you more detailed advice. Know the signs of being abuse and abusive.. It's a serious matter with the involvement of the kids.

[FrenzyRose]

Originally Posted by rapidcycla

i dont know if this goes under abuse? My ex abused my kids and i. But i still have to see him (because of our kids) i cant look him in the eye. How do u deal with an abuser you have to keep facing.

Keep yourself out of his reach..Please mind the kids..Or should I say stop seeing him..Ask for help from members of the family..

[Yoda]

Why do you have to see your abuser? Is it for visitation for kids? Do you have a restraining order or petition that restricts how close he can be to you physically?

[disguise123]

ok sorry, more info: TRIGGER WARNING, TRIGGER WARNING!
We lived with him for four years.
He was a alcoholic, in that time he was a tyrant most of what we did was wrong. He would rant at us, swear, break things belittle us for the smallest of crimes, using too much toilet paper, walking in his way, talking too much.
He would get into rages, he physically abused my dog, me and the kids. He would push me down to the floor (even while pregnant, threaten to kill me, hit and hit me (with steel cap work boots on) he time i left him he had choked me and bashed my head into a wall (while i was carrying our one year old) i thought he was going to kill me. Why? Because he was drunk and i had dropped a book.
He hurt my stepson holding him facedown on a bed by his neck and screaming at him because his son couldnt sleep (because he was ranting and screaming at us for being useless).
He hurt my older child (aged 5) because they tried to intervene when he was threatening to kill me and had a hold of me by the hair next to a mirrored door (threatening to put my head through it) when my child got upset and said leave mummy alone he grabbed them by the neck and held them against the wall.
We ran away from him many times, sleeping at friends, or we stayed all barricaded into one bedroom.
He controlled every cent, used to take all the money and spend it on what he wanted alcohol, gambling, drugs. I was often in tears over having no food.
He cheated on me, racked up massive bills in my name, cut me off from friends.
I have alot of shame (there are alot more stories but that will do) but i did leave him, did call docs (child protection), did get counselling for the kids. But the law here states that a parent has the right to see their child. So i limit the contact to day visits (a safe time) its a rule that he may not drink while or before he has the kids.
I did stop contact for awhile but because i never went to the police, ive been told if we go to court he could get 50% custody!
So i comprimise with the devil .
Its been three years now, he seems to be better but i dont trust him.
He had done this before to other women.
I told his new fiancee of the past but he denies it so she thinks im a liar.
But thats ok i understand why, he can be very charming. I only care about my childrens safety (physical, emotional, mental)

[Sannah]

So your problem now is that to face him is intimidating? And good for you for getting out!!

[disguise123]

yes its intimidating. I just hate it. i guess i gotta get used to it.

[Sannah]

Or understand why you are vulnerable to it.

[disguise123]

yes, therapy is the answer i guess. I know why i am vunrable to it. Hes big and im still afraid. I dont want to see him but i have too. Im angry inside that he denies it all and gets to pretend he is this great father.

[disguise123]

and in saying that he may be a much better father these days

[Fartraveler]

It's OK to lie to him and flatter him and do whatever you need to do to keep him in a good mood.

As you say, the priority is keeping your kids safe. So it might help if you think of him as more of a thing.

In my own case, I realized that it was easiest to manage my ex by basically flattering him all the time -- told him he looked great, didn't argue or contradict him, apologized etc. Basically fed into his narcissistic garbage. And did what I needed to do to get out. (Which you've already done.)

OK, so you still have to deal with an abusive intimidating jerk. I know how triggering and upsetting that can be.

Here are two ideas:

1. Do whatever you can do to keep yourself in a calm place before, while, and after dealing with him. (For me, meditation and mindful breathing has helped a lot.)

2. When you are with him, think of yourself as putting on an act. Separate your real self from the situation, just act in whatever you will get you what you want in the least stressful way. I realize that this is not what most therapists would advise, because it is not authentic and it is not about good communication and so on. And of course you should try to do therapy for your own self. However, in my experience, when you are dealing with an abusive, angry man, therapeutically recommended recommended techniques don't work.

Good luck,
-Far

[disguise123]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

It's OK to lie to him and flatter him and do whatever you need to do to keep him in a good mood.

As you say, the priority is keeping your kids safe. So it might help if you think of him as more of a thing.

In my own case, I realized that it was easiest to manage my ex by basically flattering him all the time -- told him he looked great, didn't argue or contradict him, apologized etc. Basically fed into his narcissistic garbage. And did what I needed to do to get out. (Which you've already done.)

OK, so you still have to deal with an abusive intimidating jerk. I know how triggering and upsetting that can be.

Here are two ideas:

1. Do whatever you can do to keep yourself in a calm place before, while, and after dealing with him. (For me, meditation and mindful breathing has helped a lot.)

2. When you are with him, think of yourself as putting on an act. Separate your real self from the situation, just act in whatever you will get you what you want in the least stressful way. I realize that this is not what most therapists would advise, because it is not authentic and it is not about good communication and so on. And of course you should try to do therapy for your own self. However, in my experience, when you are dealing with an abusive, angry man, therapeutically recommended recommended techniques don't work.

Good luck,
-Far

Thankyou very very much from the bottom of my heart. Your advice is good, i remember it.

[Tatyana2009]

Hello dear Rapid,

I agree with every word Fartraveler wrote! I do the same.

I think for people who have not been in a domenstic abuse situation - its very hard to understand. So they ask why you are scared...

Of course you are scared! You know what he is capable of!

I am copying here something I replied to another poster about abuse and dealing with abusive people when having to have contact, I have made some minor changes to my original post to fit your situation:

Try to do some relaxation techniques before any contact. Then go sit in front of him and keep both feet on the ground. If you are standing - keep weight on both feet and be aware of the ground. Hands gently resting in your lap. Then be aware of your body. Take deep breathes and speak slowly. I think the compliment advice above is good but do not over do it. Keep your boundaries. If you have to convey a message - do it briefly and in equal tone and keep it short. Not snary or abrupt. Just clear and to the point.

I would like to ask, however - how come you allow such a scary, nasty, evil and dangerous man anywhere near your kids?

I know that the situation is not easy and court may be a long process but in the end of the day - you left him because he is a violent man. The authorities should be aware of that and no child protection officer should ever allow him alone with a child.

Is his visitation alone with the kids?

You have done great for leaving him! I am sorry you still have to deal with him. I know whats it like... Just be strong and remember - none of this is your fault. You deserve happiness and lovely people around. And so do your kids. Hugs x

[disguise123]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Hello dear Rapid,

I agree with every word Fartraveler wrote! I do the same.

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I think for people who have not been in a domenstic abuse situation - its very hard to understand.

I would like to ask, however - how come you allow such a scary, nasty, evil and dangerous man anywhere near your kids?

I know that the situation is not easy and court may be a long process but in the end of the day - you left him because he is a violent man. The authorities should be aware of that and no child protection officer should ever allow him alone with a child.

Is his visitation alone with the kids?

Do you know much about family law in australia? They have made big changes over

The last few years.
Do some googling.
Women who try to refuse abusive (sorry i should not just say women it happens to both sexes) ex partners visitation with their children and take it to court run a massive risk of having those ex partners being awarded 50% of custody.
Cases much worse than mine , even with police involvement have seen abusers awarded custody.
I have gone to lawyers, childrens protective services, child psychologists, family services, but they all tell me i am doing what i can given the law in australia.
You have no idea how much i dont want the children to see him. But the equal rights movement in australia is pushing people into these situations.
I feel guilty enough as it is believe me....

[disguise123]

really not feeling positive about my choices now

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rapidcycla

yes, therapy is the answer i guess. I know why i am vunrable to it. Hes big and im still afraid.

This makes sense but talking about the past incidents in therapy will help release the fear and help you to be less fearful.

Originally Posted by rapidcycla

Im angry inside that he denies it all and gets to pretend he is this great father.

You won't be able to convince him and it will drive you crazy trying. He is seperate from you. Believe this and it will help......

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ Those archaic laws in Australia NEED TO BE CHANGED!!! The people/person(s) who dreamt up that idiotic law must be an abuser himself -- this law is totally wrong!!! A petition should be started to get this on the ballot and this needs to be changed.

I would imagine that the majority of people would vote for change. No child should EVER be made to come in contact with the animal who abused them.

I know how you feel, Rapidcycla ~ my heart goes out to you. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Tatyana2009]

Do you know much about family law in australia? They have made big changes over

The last few years.
Do some googling.
Women who try to refuse abusive (sorry i should not just say women it happens to both sexes) ex partners visitation with their children and take it to court run a massive risk of having those ex partners being awarded 50% of custody.
Cases much worse than mine , even with police involvement have seen abusers awarded custody.
I have gone to lawyers, childrens protective services, child psychologists, family services, but they all tell me i am doing what i can given the law in australia.
You have no idea how much i dont want the children to see him. But the equal rights movement in australia is pushing people into these situations.
I feel guilty enough as it is believe me....

I did not mean to sound accusotory! I asked the question with an honest intent of getting a concrete answer. Which I got. Thank you. No - I had no idea this is the situation in Australia. In England its a bit different - and courts here take child protection very seriously as well as domestic violence.
It is known that most domestic violence cases are never reported... and they are trying to change that - so people have more belief in the system. I hope it will be the same in Australia.

I am so sorry you are still suffering from this man. I know it sounds awful - but its good that he has a new 'love' in his life...

Forgive me for being harsh. From what you say - it sounds like you are doing everything you can to maintain what you have and this comes at a cost. All I can say is remain strong. Dont feel guilty. You know you are doing everything you can. And keep your head up high that you walked away and that you are fighting for what is important to you - your children. I admire that.

As for coping skills - did you try stress relief techniques? meditation? yoga? there are some good products out there that allow you to listen to guided meditation and hypnosis to help with anxiety and relaxation.

I am sending you warm thoughts - to you and to your children.

[disguise123]

thank you all, sorry tatyana i was probably being a bit defensive and moody (must grow thicker skin)
It does make me sad that in australia we are letting our beautiful country down with such stupid laws that concern our most precious citizens.
They have made the laws to enable good parents access to their children but they have granted alot of unsuitable access by doing so.
I will take all your wonderful advice and good wishes with me next time i have to face him.
Thank you all so much.

[Sannah]

Please keep us posted?

[disguise123]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Please keep us posted?

I will.
I have to see him today anyway.

[Tatyana2009]

thank you all, sorry tatyana i was probably being a bit defensive and moody (must grow thicker skin)

I completely understand. Its easy to misinterpret something we read and cannot hear the tone behind it. I am sorry too if I sounded harsh and for making you upset. I really did not mean that in any way shape or form.

I, too, left an abusive man - who has a wonderful, loving, charming and gentle side to him as well as a scary, manipulative, selfish, remorseless, violent and emotionally and verbally abusive side. I know whats it like. He never abused his kids like that and never showed his ugly side in front of the kids (though his selfishness did not escapte them...) - but I know that I would have found it very hard if I had kids with him to leave them with him alone (his kids are from a previous marriage, in which, I am sure, there was abuse too, but she does not care much about the kids... poor kids - hey...). So - I really do admire your strength.

It does make me sad that in australia we are letting our beautiful country down with such stupid laws that concern our most precious citizens.
They have made the laws to enable good parents access to their children but they have granted alot of unsuitable access by doing so.

Yes, I can see what you mean. Its sad. Its almost like some sort of social revolution needs to happen for people / society to realise that domestic abuse is a unique situation and laws and orders should match that. In some ways, I think society is not far off the victorian ages still...

I will take all your wonderful advice and good wishes with me next time i have to face him.

Thank you. I am pleased you found this useful. And it would warm my heart that you can find some good armor to protect you and make you feel safer when you next see him. Just remember that you are strong. Imagine you have a protective covering used to prevent damage from being inflicted to you and your loved ones. But - I have to add - if he ever does anything - a threat, anything - to you or the kids - please do call the police and make a complaint.

Hugs to you. Stay strong and do write x

[disguise123]

all went well, he wanted over night visitation i told him no. But he accepted it, i think i have more power than i realise, because i spoke out and asked professionals for their advice,

[Tatyana2009]

Thats really good. I m very pleased.

Its a good feeling to realise you have power after dealing with someone who aims to rob you of it.

Stay strong. And with every bit of sense of power you het stronger too. Thats how it is for me.

Getting professionals on your side is great. And the right thing to do to stay strong and keep safe x

[Sannah]

Wow, you go girl!!