[suzzie]

i live with someone who sometimes hits. its not real bad. and its just when i say something they dont like. like today they grabbed my wrist and squeezed. it left three cuts. not bad thou. and they hit my ear which still hurts now. but not real bad.

i was just wondering if there is a way to stop this or avoid it. i really dont want them to keep hitting me. its not fair when i dont do nothing to them. and they are hitting me still. they are really nice otherwise. but can get so mad so fast and then they hit. maybe if i knew what to do when someone is mad like that it would help. they are ok most of the time.

[Elysium]

Suzzie....

This person may be a nice and good person, but if they are hitting you, even though you say it's not bad, it IS bad. If they are hitting you, or squeezing your arm hard enough to cause cuts, this is called Domestic Violence and Abuse.

I have lived with people who display these type of behaviors and I too used to say "It's not bad", "they didn't mean it", "they would never do anything to really hurt me".

I have learned that it is NOT OKAY for anyone to behave this way towards me, but it has taken a long time for me to get to this place. Another thing I've learned is that you CANNOT MAKE another person stop hurting you. This person does what they do because they do not have the skills that allow them to cope with their anger or frustration. You CANNOT MAKE them learn these skills. They have to be able to see that they have a problem, and they have to agree that they need help with that problem, and they have to be willing to get treatment for that problem and learn skills that do not include violence.

You are not the problem here. This other person's behavior and inability to cope is the problem.

The thing is though, that until you can get to a place where you realize that you DO NOT deserve this treatment and that IT'S NOT OKAY for someone to do these sort of things, you're bound to stand by there side and continue putting up with their abuses.

The best support I can give you is to tell you I'm here, and to tell you to get out of this relationship for now until this person gets the help they need, and you get the help you need, so you can both be healthy. If you stay in this relationship, you put yourself in harms way and you are in danger.

Please consider getting out of the relationship. If you are scared, there are people who will and can help you, even if that means helping to find you a safer place to live. There are Domestic Violence Clinics and Shelters that can help you be away from the dangerous behavior, and help you to learn to set strong boundaries around what behavior is acceptable and what isn't.

Also, I urge you to put this persons violence on record. If they hit you or hurt you in anyway, that is a crime and a reportable offense. Call the Police and file reports. The Officers can help you to fill out a Protection Order.

I know my words may make you angry, and may make you want to jump to this persons defense....I've been there before, it's kind of normal to want to protect them....after all, it's not that bad, right? But if someone is hurting you physically, emotionally, or sexually, it is that bad.

You a worthy of being cared for by people who don't hurt you and you deserve to be able to be safe and not hurt. This person has shown you they can't offer you that at this time. The only way to stop the behavior is for you to stop it by putting an end to the relationship until this person gets help for their issues and can show that they can learn to not hurt you...ever!!

Please be safe!!

[radio_flyer]

I am not good at giving advice.. But I can say from experience that when someone hits you, even if it doesn't leave a mark and even when you say it "didn't hurt", it prob did hurt because you are trying to minimize it...More often than "never", it will happen again.. And sometimes it will be a harder smack that really hurts. And again you might minimize it. Then sometimes it escalates to some really painful blows. In other words, it can slowly over time get worse.

I can say that any kind of "hitting" is not good. You don't deserve to ever be hit. You can't stop him.. The only one that can stop it is "him"..You might want to look into therapy for yourself. I doubt if you suggest therapy to the one hitting you will like the idea of therapy.. So at this point, it is best to take care of you and if he continues to hit you, maybe you should look into "other" living arrangements...

Just my opinion....

[Yoda]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=134233

[suzzie]

thank you everyone

it has been happening for a bit off and on. i dont think it will get worst than it is. im trying to prevent that.

Hello, suzzie. Will he agree to therapy or a course in anger management? I worry for you safety. Without some intervention, the odds are the abuse will get worse.

http://psychcentral.com/dvquiz.htm
http://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_sx.htm
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the...stic-violence/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/

[radio_flyer]

Just something to maybe think about..... Your comment that you are trying to "prevent" him from hitting you might leave you "walking on eggs shells" when around him. Thinking carefully what you say or do around him as to not upset him.. This just might not be a "happy" way to be living..

You might be thinking you are at fault and that is why he hits you. Even if you make him angry or do something stupid, "which we all do from time to time" is no excuse for him to hit you.

Then there are times when he might have a bad day at work or someone at work "irked" him and he comes home and vents his anger towards you.. In this case, nothing you have done or said to anger him. He already is angry and he is venting his at at you...

I know what it is like to "think" it won't happen again. It is all my fault. I even lied to a doctor and told him I fell down the steps. I don't know exactly why we tend to want to "protect" those who harm us. Maybe it is "shame". Maybe we are feeling "shame" because someone hits us and we don't want anyone know that the one we care for is hitting us.. Whatever excuses me make for them, I guarantee it is not healthy... esp for you....in the long run...

Because it can cause a lot of emotional damage, should it continue.. Let alone the possible physical damage.

But then this is pretty much your choice at this point. Prob nothing will convince you otherwise... I just hope you stay safe.. And maybe sit and think about what is going on..Is this what you want in your future. To live making sure it won't happen again?

[skeksi]

Being hit is domestic violence. Here is a wonderful phone number staffed by people who will listen--make sure you call when you are alone from a phone you feel safe calling from:

1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

[Sannah]

Suzzie, can you tell your therapist about this? I know that you are working on yourself and your past in therapy but our current living situation is also very important for healing.

This person is crossing a boundary by hitting you and this is not very empowering for you. I would think that your therapist could help you to set a boundary with this person so that you can tell them that this treatment is not okay and that he or she has to stop doing it. Your therapist can help you with this. Please keep us posted.

[mgran]

I was just talking to my son about this today. He suddenly expressed real sorrow and distress, thinking that when he grew up he might hit his wife, as his father hit me. I used to think that it "wasn't so bad" when my ex hit me. It started when I was pregnant, and it was "only" grabbing me and throwing me against a wall, slapping me across the face, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me, throwing me on the bed. At the time I was frightened to fight back, because I thought I might lose the baby.

After my son was born it continued... probably for longer than I realised, because my poor son remembers it. It stopped when my ex grabbed me in the shower, shook me, and my head cracked the wall. He stomped out and left me, and I started to bleed down the shower drain. My period had been late... I'm still pretty sure it was an early miscarriage.

Next time me ex hit me, my son (a toddler at the time) was lying on the sofa. My ex was trying to stop me from going to a course (a few hours three times a week.) He'd locked the front door, and I threatened to climb out the window. He grabbed me and started shaking me. I screamed, and started hitting him, and hitting him, and he backed off. He never touched me again.

The thing is, these things escalate. From when he grabbed me and threw me against the wall, when I was five months pregnant with our son, to my bleeding in the shower, it was "never too bad." It took me losing a baby to realise how bad it was. And today my fifteen year old is still carrying pain from those "little" slaps, and shoves, and shakes. He was practically in tears worried he'd be like his Dad.

It's always bad. If he will not take action right now to stop it, leave him. I can't stress this enough. It gets worse. And if you ever had children involved, that "worse" could last for generations.

[suzzie]

i will try.

[suzzie]

i know i should tell t. but im still hoping this will stop. and it was good for a bit. but did something new tonite. made several repeated blows at my head. didnt actually hit me. but it was full force as thou. and the anger to match. i think im triggering them somehow. i think this is really inappropriate to do. even if its not real.

[Sannah]

You deserve much better treatment. I really hope that you can tell your T about this soon so that she can help you with it.

[Butterflies Are Free]

You may have to decide whether staying in this relationship is really healthy for you.

[mgran]

Suzzie, I'm glad you posted again, I've been worried about you. I agree with Butterflies and Sannah, you deserve better, and you need to consider your options. You do have options... please talk to someone in the real world about this. (((hug)))

[differentmiss]

Please leave now, because if you stay it will become worse. The hitting will become punching and kicking. I'm married and i have a child with an abusive man. I don't know if i'll ever have the courage to leave him, since i'm already in so deep but i encourage you to leave while you're still in the early stages. You can do better, you can find a nice decent man who treats you with respect. I thought my guy was great but as you get further in to a relationship it becomes worse and worse. He now beats me horribly and i have no way out. Please leave him