[Lexicon78]

*TRIGGERY*

I was talking to a friend tonight. I told her that I couldn't be around kids anymore. Then she asked me if it was because of what my ex did to me and a little girl. The answer is simply yes. That started me thinking about how it all happened over 5 years ago.

I was being held against my will...my bf was holding me down, grabbed my hand and made me touch that little girl. He made her rub my breasts. I couldn't move. He had me pinned down. I almost forgot how it started. He told me she liked girls too. Why would someone use my sexuality against me? I feel so ashamed and like this is all my fault. No matter how hard I tried to stop it, tried to fight back, tried to protect this little girl, I couldn't overpower the bastard enough to get away or to stop it!

I have trouble with this so much. Am I the monster or is he? I can't be around children for this reason. I see the fear in her eyes and the pain and uncertainty when I see children. I see her. I don't see anyone else. When I hear children, I don't hear them, I hear her cries. I swear to the Goddess....I tried to stop it! Why isn't that enough? Why is it never enough to be so sorry for what happened that I would try to hang myself several times. Because of this I can no longer work anywhere, I cannot have children around, I cannot be happy at all. I can fake it, sure, but not be truly happy.

When he was strangling me, I wish he would've just finished the freakin job!

[CedarS]

You in therapy? Therapy can make all the difference with this. A good therapist will know how to work with survivor's guilt.

He was the perpetrator.

You deserve some freedom from this, good thoughtful therapy, hard work, increased understanding of what happened to you and a chance to debrief will help.

Something to think about, the fact that you feel concern means that you are humane and good. It is a healthy response. The abuse was not your fault . With therapy, you will be able to move through this and eventually even forgive yourself and reclaim your own power.

(I don't know if I put this into the right words, but I do care, I do hear you, and I so hope you get excellent therapy.)

[Overcastbutclearing]

Lex: Not sure what to say other then it isn't your fault, and we are hear to listen to you get it out.
You have to keep letting it out.

[bipolar_bear]

I wish you could see that you were a victim in this situation. He was the abuser. I hope someday you can see that. I am so sorry he has done this to your life and I can only wish that you will be able to come to terms with what happened. Please take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up over it.

[JustBen]

You are definitely not the monster.

[Hopefull]

He was the monster. I know that it is hard to see right now. But, you did the best you could to protect that little girl. I hope you continue to share with us and a T.